dianegclark

This has been such an emotional few weeks as I wrapped up my last school year as a school social worker. I love my job and my co-workers. When I found out that I had met the 85 rule for KPERS, I prayed, met with Scott and HR, met with Courser Lapo and made the decision to do it. It lined up perfectly and felt right. It was confirmed by knowing that Leah and my Mom need more, I haven’t seen my Dad in a very very long time, and then having cancer certainly changes everything. I am ready to go deeper with people both personally and professionally. Having a ridiculous number of kids on my caseload requires so much energy. The schools are in such a process of change. So I knew this was right, but that didn’t make it easy. Not by a long shot.

I’ve been emotional for weeks. I would be walking through the cafeteria or hallway with my radio at my hip, supervising, and just be overwhelmed with emotions. Doing closure with the kids was extremely difficult and I didn’t do a great job of it. Myself and my precious co-worker friends began treasuring every “last”.

I wrote notes to all the staff to tell them how special they are. Some were crazy hard to write. I made dates to get together with key people this summer. Last events, Worlds of Fun, the gala and awards night, 8th grade recognition night, were bittersweet, hard.

Meanwhile I wrote my letter and scattered business cards for my new adventure as a therapist at Courser Lapo Clinical and Family services and prepared my new office.

Then the last day came. I knew it would be hard. I started the day at a doctor office for the first hour and a half. When I walked in to school, these flowers from Scott and Pastor Dave were on my desk.

The kids were all in the assembly. My friend waved to me from the top of the bleachers so I joined her and watched some of the staff v student basketball game. But I kept having to leave as emotions washed over me. I tried to hang close to Mary and Angela. I will miss them so crazy much.

Mary is my rock. She constantly asks how I am, my barometer, my #1 support. We have laughed and cried together so many times. She is ever present, ever there for me.

And Angela.

Angela and I eat lunch together almost every day. We talk over every difficult situation either one of us is facing, personally or professionally. She is so positive and wise. She always gave me a new perspective. And that is what she said about me!

What a precious person and friendship. She read this to me in front of everyone with tears running down her face and in her voice. With me next to her sobbing hard like it was the Oprah show. I couldn’t look around the room, although my buddy and co FCA sponsor, Ben, kept catching my eye. We’ve served together in FCA for 14 years and I hold precious memories with Ben.

And then Sherry. Sherry took the EDBD position 3 years ago. What an amazing, strong, brilliant person. We worked extremely closely together and developed a friendship that will last a very very long time.

I have developed so many other close, close friendships, Lori, Emily, Summer, Bailey, more. I love my office staff, my sped staff, all. Lori and Emily co sponsored Kay Club with me for years. Precious memories and friendships.

And then there are my administrators. I am so thankful to have gotten to work for these guys, Tracy and Dave. We met weekly but worked together closely on so many tough things. They always had my back, always. Such strength and wisdom and support. And fun.

I can’t begin to mention everyone and every memory here. Clinical supervision and undergrad and graduate interns. Winning School Social Worker of the Year. Working in the schools my own kids attended. 13 years at elementary before the 16 at EMS. My amazing school social work colleagues. It will take me years to process this. I could write a whole novel of my memories as a school social worker.

My last day, the luncheon, the coin ceremony where we pass a coin around that we get to keep forever, and then being showered with love, gifts, hugs, and tears, was precious.

I really do hope to spend the time writing down some of the memories I hold dearly. Stay tuned. There is so much more to come!

I started the tomixifen drug about 10 days ago.

Back in December when I was taken off estrogen replacement, I experienced lots of anxiety. I also cried a lot. Then I went through the radiation which exhausted me and lowered my immune system so I got sick. I was in menopause. It was rough.

But all the while, even with the diagnosis, I felt peace deep in my soul. I knew God had it under control and I trusted Him. I felt Him carrying me through.

Now the tomixifen, which blocks the remainder of estrogen that my body naturally makes, is causing huge symptoms of anxiety. It’s hard to explain to others how I can feel incredible physiological anxiety and be at perfect peace at the same time. On Sunday morning it was particularly bad. I had hoped to try to lead one of the songs but decided not to. Someone asked me if I planned to sing at all. Nothing will keep me from it!

I did go to the dr yesterday and he prescribed a medication to calm these symptoms, which is helping me sleep and helping my body feel calm, calming my racing thoughts.

But I feel at peace in my soul. God loves me. He’s in control even when I can’t see. I get to sing about it on Sunday.

I left Manhattan Thursday evening and checked into Woodlawn Cottage a block from Leah and Dave’s. I went to their house at 5:30 Friday morning so they could leave for the hospital to be induced to deliver the baby.

Emmet slept unti 7. He was surprised but happy to see me when I picked him up from his crib. We had breakfast and played with my markers. He looked at his hand with green marks on it and asked clearly, “what’s that?” He looks out the window, points to the birds and asks,”do you see?” So cute. I got him dressed and he put on his yellow rain boots. At one point he spotted a square of sunshine on the floor and went over and did a perfect downward facing dog. He stayed there long enough for me to get my phone.

We played outside a long time throwing the ball for Moose and riding in his little tyke car. We had lunch then he played in his crib quietly without napping a long time. Then grandpa arrived. We kept waiting for word of a baby and finally got it at about 5. We drove through sonic for chicken nuggets for Emmet then stopped by Prairie Harvest for smoothies then took Emmet to meet the baby and went to pick up dinner for Leah and Dave.

Then we finally got to meet baby Henry.

I had guessed his name would be Henry! Henry David Gaeddert, 7 lbs 12 oz.

He was born with the cord wrapped around his neck not breathing and Leah said it was terrifying. But he’s perfectly fine.

Emmet’s grandparents and uncles Aaron and Joel came and we watched Emmet pay attention to Henry.

Other than that moment, he was as pretty oblivious to Henry.

Then we went back to the house and put Emmet to bed. He woke up and cried when It was me and not Leah to hold him but then he cried a second time and clung to me as I snuggled him. He slept later this morning and took a giant nap this afternoon. He was exhausted from playing outside with grandpa and getting knocked down by Moose. Other cute things he did: mid morning he came out of his room with his blankie, laid down on me with his head on me and put his little arms around me and just laid there. I love when he reaches his little arms up for me to pick him up. In the shower he snuggled me and loved the water hitting his back. He helped me unload the dishwasher by handing me items without being asked. He has lots of recognizable words but babbles a lot with lots of expression expecting us to understand. When he’s frustrated, he simply looks at you and asks”hep”. He randomly gives kisses. And he yells “ome” at Moose meaning “come”.

Today when they brought baby Henry home, Emmet seemed more interested. He looked at him a lot and gave him kisses. He points at his nose and says “nose” and points at him and says “Bay.”

Just before they got home, I put Emmet in the stroller and walked along the path in the woods I found a day or so before Leah’s wedding. I had been so emotional that day. I teared up feeling my emotional today, too, walking my grandson and meeting my second grandson.

Baby Henry, welcome to the world. You are already so so loved.

Wednesday after receiving my last radiation treatment, Scott and I went for coffee with Dave and Mel, then I took a short nap cuddled with Rexie, finished packing, and picked up Mom for a little adventure. It started with Mom smashing her smoothie all over herself in the car.

We drove two hours and checked in to Barnview Cottage in North Newton, a few blocks from Leah and Dave.

We unpacked then went downtown to shop in my favorite store Mainstreet and Company while waiting for Emmet to wake up from his nap. I bought got an Easter dress that I’m excited about.

Emmet was just waking up and snuggling his mama when we got there. I walked over and asked if he wanted to come to me. He reached his little arms out and came right over and then snuggled me! I gave Emmet his Easter basket and he enjoyed opening the eggs.

We took Emmet to the park.

We took Emmet out to eat at Chong’s. He was active but a good boy. He dipped each French fry carefully in the ketchup before eating it. When I pick Emmet up to carry him, he spreads his legs out wide cause he’s used to his mama’s baby tummy.

We stayed until bedtime then headed back to the cottage.

Thursday morning Leah brought Emmet over and we watched him as he drew during my quiet time then played on the floor with the toys we brought over. And the humidifier.

Close to lunch we took him back to Leah’s and fed him lunch. We taught him to say five but he won’t say it now. He played until nap time and I did all the right things and laid him down. We rested but Emmet would not go to sleep. He tried. Leah and Dave had their hospital check in appointment and then went to lunch.

When they got home, Dave went back to work. Leah and Mom and Emmet and I went to the park then Mojos for a coffee and cookie.

When Dave got home we ordered from Italian food from Genovas and ate it at Leah’s. Mom snuggled Moose and I got some cleaning in.

Leah and I took Emmet for a short walk and taught him the stop and go game. He lived it. Go! He’d yell and we moved forward then he’d take tiny steps and we were supposed to also. When were also supposed to stop when he did. Then he’d yell go! And giggle when we did.

I got Emmet ready for bed then mom and I headed back to the cottage. I slept fairly well both nights.

Friday morning we got up and ready and went to Prairie Harvest for juice from their fresh juice bar. I bought some kombucha and pepper nuts and some other fun healthy treats. Leah showed us the upstairs which can be rented out for events.

Then mom and I made the trek home from our little spring break adventure. It was good to get some quality mom time and to help Leah out. Not long til I’ll be back to watch Emmet and meet little baby Gaeddert #2!

Last Wednesday was my last treatment. Yahoo! Scott, Pastor Dave and Mel, and my friend Ann who went through this two years ago, all were there for my final treatment. They all got to see George, the radiation machine, while I changed. Then they watched the screens outside the room while I had the last hoorah. I called George a few names then broke up with him. I thanked him for getting rid of any potential cancer cells in my body but told him it was over and I didn’t appreciate the discomfort and exhaustion he had caused.

When I came out, PD made a live Facebook video. I said that I was praying for all those who have to go through radiation and for the three friends who were facing a cancer diagnosis that same week. (Update: one has surgery and chemo, the second has to wait for a biopsy and the third got great news of no cancer!).

Then I received my certificate and rang the bell. Done!

It is now Sunday night and I already feel so much better. I feel my strength returning and I’m not nearly as tired! Thank you for your prayers and support. Now on to tomoxifen.

I had a coupon from sweet friends Jesi and Kim so I scheduled my first float experience today! I have been to Quantum Wellness before so I wasn’t shocked by the gorgeous high end decor. The gal took me to the room and gave the instructions. She pushed the button to lift the lid from the tank and had to push it several times. I didn’t think much of it.

She left the room and I took the required shower including washing your hair and no conditioner. Then I just got in and turned off the light and shut the lid. I could still see a line of light around the edge and could hear some faint voices in the other room so I wasn’t freaked out. The water was just the right temp and the salts made it soft. I floated so that about one 4th of me stuck out of the water. It felt wonderful. My head was on a pillow. I think next time I’ll use the earplugs and skip the pillow. If there is a next time.

I’ve done lots of meditation so I did a body scan and got super relaxed. About 20 minutes in, I started coughing and needed to sit up and get more air. I pushed the button to raise the door and nothing happened. I pushed it 3 times then started to panic. I was able to raise the door about an inch and got the air I needed so I gave up. It was harder to relax after that for sure. I kept praying the door would open by itself like it’s supposed to at the end.

It did.

Overall I thought it was a relaxing experience but not as super cool as I’d hoped. I’ll have to research the benefits a bit more before I spend that kind of cash. It’s like a massage. I’m convinced they are excellent for you but so expensive!

This is the prayer I wrote on Sunday after getting to sing once again for Jesus.

What an honor and privilege it is to sing Your praises with my voice, the talented band, PD, and to be filled with Your Holy Spirit and proclaim all You are to me, to others, and to watch You fill them as they join their voices to ours in praise to You, Most Holy Lord. I am so humbled to be allowed to do this that it brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes. I get the feeling back each time I picture my eyes closed on the stage, mic to my lips, just letting go and belting with my voice, just trusting that it won’t break , trusting that it is You using my little voice to bring glory to You and to draw others to You. Strip me of any pride. I humbly thank You again and again to be allowed to do it. Remind me always what an honor and privilege, a dream come true it is to do it. I love it so much. I love You so much. You are everything to me. I couldn’t do any of this without You.

I have 8 treatments left after today. I will go live on Facebook on March 21 right after my last treatment at 730 am when I ceremoniously ring the bell marking the end of radiation treatments. Mark your calendars for the first week of June for the biggest birthday, anniversary, retirement and done with cancer party in history.

I went into this so strong physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I’m not strong anymore. I know that God works all things for good for those who love Him and I do love Him so very much. I know He has a purpose in all of this. He’s reminding me that I don’t always have to be the strong one who is there for others, that there are seasons where I am the weak one only receiving. He is teaching me to rely on Him. He gives only the strength we need for each day. If I focus on my feelings, I flail. It’s so hard to be the weak one. People ask me how I am and I don’t know what to say. I say I’m exhausted.

How I really am? My hormones are a mess because I got yanked off my estrogen and since I cry when I’m exhausted I either am crying or feel like crying most of the time. I’m also having stomach problems unrelated to the cancer or treatments other than the stress so I have to be near a bathroom and I have to be super careful what I eat and I’ve lost 16 pounds. The skin on my boob is often raw or itchy. I am having all kinds of emotions about work that I’m not ready to face. I am struggling.

People want to help and ask what they can do to help. The truth is, I don’t know. Pray for me. Hug me. Listen to me. Check on me. Tell me I’m strong.

I continue to do my self care, gratitude, prayer journal, worship, trust. I use humor whenever possible. Yesterday at Homestead group, one of the girls cuddled up to me. She misses her mama and I always miss my babies so we acknowledged that. And then we laughed together about my “roasted turkey breast” that she was cuddled up to.

I am continually grateful for so so many things. It could have been so much worse. There are so many others whose journeys make mine look simple.

This is almost over and hope and recovery lies just around the corner.

People comment on my positive outlook and grateful heart. That’s real but in the spirit of being truly genuine, I do have bad days too. Days when discouragement sets in and the tears flow.

Today is day 15 of radiation and day five in bed with flu/bronchitis. My skin at the radiation site is red and itchy and blistery. Tomorrow is halfway through the treatments. I started to feel normal and energetic at the beginning of last week then this flu that turned into bronchitis hit on Thursday. I didn’t get to sing this weekend or even go to church. If I see another episode of Property Brothers I’m gonna scream. I went to treatment this morning then for a blood draw. I have two calls to make to schedule more tests and appointments. Being a patient is getting old. I’m wearing a hole in my insurance card. Don’t even get me started on the bills. People at work are being very patient with me but my clients are being neglected.

So what do I do on bad days when discouragement hits? First, I let the tears flow. Sometimes you just gotta have a good cry. I reach out to people close to me who don’t feel like they need to fix it and I just tell them how I feel. They tell me it’s ok, that it’s gonna be ok. I do worship and pray and read His word even if I don’t feel like it. Sometimes He can’t get through my humanness to encourage me but He always lets me know He’s here. I always step up the self care. And I try to grab onto something to be grateful for. Last night it was this pic and text from my son in law to be:

He said here’s me and Sierra sending you love to get through this.

I took another day off work to recover.

Here’s my power breakfast:

So on those bad days, I just let them happen. He gives us just enough grace for each day. Tomorrow is a new day. I’m trusting Him for it.

Bet you thought a post about the flu would be about how miserable I am, huh? Nope! Thank you, Jesus, for the flu shot!

I started to get some energy again last week after resting last weekend from the radiation. I thought that was just gonna be the way it was. But Monday I felt better, worked, went to spin class since turbo kick is too bouncy (and found out one of my fav teachers teaches spin on Monday,yippee!). Tuesday went to work then Group Power (fun friends in that class), and a Wednesday worked then step class (lotsa fun friends and a favorite class.). Even stayed up til 9 each night! Thursday was a snow day. Went to my treatment in the ice but drove the rav then came home. As the day wore on, I felt kinda icky. Made the decision to cancel Homestead cause the girls were sick. Felt like poo poo. Got up and went to treatment Friday morning and had them take my temp. Normal. Went to work and felt bad, chills, exhausted,weird throat, then diarrhea. Went home. Stayed in bed all day, all night.

Today I got up and took a green tea detox bath. Got dressed. Rested.

I’ve got a good book,

my buddy,

HGTV, all the essentials.

I did get dressed and go to the store. Ran into My sweet mama there. And found this amazing item:

That’s right, lavender Vick’s! Whaaat? I have it spread all over the bottoms of my feet right now. And I made some delicious healing tea!

Recipe:

Diane’s Healing Tea (and Alexis)

Little bit o fresh ginger

Little bit o turmeric

Little bit o cider vinegar

Little bit o cinnamon

Little bit o fresh lemon juice

Lotta honey

Hot water

So I’m not miserable. I’m coughing and running a low grade temp and I’m worn out every time I get up. Ohhh but I also have fresh sheets. Guess I’m too grateful to be miserable. I’m sad I’m not at rehearsal right now for sure. And that I won’t be at TRU tomorrow. But I might even be secretly enjoying this. And Scott may actually be secretly enjoying himself too. He’s in his man cave listening to albums.