dianegclark

Wednesday after receiving my last radiation treatment, Scott and I went for coffee with Dave and Mel, then I took a short nap cuddled with Rexie, finished packing, and picked up Mom for a little adventure. It started with Mom smashing her smoothie all over herself in the car.

We drove two hours and checked in to Barnview Cottage in North Newton, a few blocks from Leah and Dave.

We unpacked then went downtown to shop in my favorite store Mainstreet and Company while waiting for Emmet to wake up from his nap. I bought got an Easter dress that I’m excited about.

Emmet was just waking up and snuggling his mama when we got there. I walked over and asked if he wanted to come to me. He reached his little arms out and came right over and then snuggled me! I gave Emmet his Easter basket and he enjoyed opening the eggs.

We took Emmet to the park.

We took Emmet out to eat at Chong’s. He was active but a good boy. He dipped each French fry carefully in the ketchup before eating it. When I pick Emmet up to carry him, he spreads his legs out wide cause he’s used to his mama’s baby tummy.

We stayed until bedtime then headed back to the cottage.

Thursday morning Leah brought Emmet over and we watched him as he drew during my quiet time then played on the floor with the toys we brought over. And the humidifier.

Close to lunch we took him back to Leah’s and fed him lunch. We taught him to say five but he won’t say it now. He played until nap time and I did all the right things and laid him down. We rested but Emmet would not go to sleep. He tried. Leah and Dave had their hospital check in appointment and then went to lunch.

When they got home, Dave went back to work. Leah and Mom and Emmet and I went to the park then Mojos for a coffee and cookie.

When Dave got home we ordered from Italian food from Genovas and ate it at Leah’s. Mom snuggled Moose and I got some cleaning in.

Leah and I took Emmet for a short walk and taught him the stop and go game. He lived it. Go! He’d yell and we moved forward then he’d take tiny steps and we were supposed to also. When were also supposed to stop when he did. Then he’d yell go! And giggle when we did.

I got Emmet ready for bed then mom and I headed back to the cottage. I slept fairly well both nights.

Friday morning we got up and ready and went to Prairie Harvest for juice from their fresh juice bar. I bought some kombucha and pepper nuts and some other fun healthy treats. Leah showed us the upstairs which can be rented out for events.

Then mom and I made the trek home from our little spring break adventure. It was good to get some quality mom time and to help Leah out. Not long til I’ll be back to watch Emmet and meet little baby Gaeddert #2!

Last Wednesday was my last treatment. Yahoo! Scott, Pastor Dave and Mel, and my friend Ann who went through this two years ago, all were there for my final treatment. They all got to see George, the radiation machine, while I changed. Then they watched the screens outside the room while I had the last hoorah. I called George a few names then broke up with him. I thanked him for getting rid of any potential cancer cells in my body but told him it was over and I didn’t appreciate the discomfort and exhaustion he had caused.

When I came out, PD made a live Facebook video. I said that I was praying for all those who have to go through radiation and for the three friends who were facing a cancer diagnosis that same week. (Update: one has surgery and chemo, the second has to wait for a biopsy and the third got great news of no cancer!).

Then I received my certificate and rang the bell. Done!

It is now Sunday night and I already feel so much better. I feel my strength returning and I’m not nearly as tired! Thank you for your prayers and support. Now on to tomoxifen.

I had a coupon from sweet friends Jesi and Kim so I scheduled my first float experience today! I have been to Quantum Wellness before so I wasn’t shocked by the gorgeous high end decor. The gal took me to the room and gave the instructions. She pushed the button to lift the lid from the tank and had to push it several times. I didn’t think much of it.

She left the room and I took the required shower including washing your hair and no conditioner. Then I just got in and turned off the light and shut the lid. I could still see a line of light around the edge and could hear some faint voices in the other room so I wasn’t freaked out. The water was just the right temp and the salts made it soft. I floated so that about one 4th of me stuck out of the water. It felt wonderful. My head was on a pillow. I think next time I’ll use the earplugs and skip the pillow. If there is a next time.

I’ve done lots of meditation so I did a body scan and got super relaxed. About 20 minutes in, I started coughing and needed to sit up and get more air. I pushed the button to raise the door and nothing happened. I pushed it 3 times then started to panic. I was able to raise the door about an inch and got the air I needed so I gave up. It was harder to relax after that for sure. I kept praying the door would open by itself like it’s supposed to at the end.

It did.

Overall I thought it was a relaxing experience but not as super cool as I’d hoped. I’ll have to research the benefits a bit more before I spend that kind of cash. It’s like a massage. I’m convinced they are excellent for you but so expensive!

This is the prayer I wrote on Sunday after getting to sing once again for Jesus.

What an honor and privilege it is to sing Your praises with my voice, the talented band, PD, and to be filled with Your Holy Spirit and proclaim all You are to me, to others, and to watch You fill them as they join their voices to ours in praise to You, Most Holy Lord. I am so humbled to be allowed to do this that it brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes. I get the feeling back each time I picture my eyes closed on the stage, mic to my lips, just letting go and belting with my voice, just trusting that it won’t break , trusting that it is You using my little voice to bring glory to You and to draw others to You. Strip me of any pride. I humbly thank You again and again to be allowed to do it. Remind me always what an honor and privilege, a dream come true it is to do it. I love it so much. I love You so much. You are everything to me. I couldn’t do any of this without You.

I have 8 treatments left after today. I will go live on Facebook on March 21 right after my last treatment at 730 am when I ceremoniously ring the bell marking the end of radiation treatments. Mark your calendars for the first week of June for the biggest birthday, anniversary, retirement and done with cancer party in history.

I went into this so strong physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I’m not strong anymore. I know that God works all things for good for those who love Him and I do love Him so very much. I know He has a purpose in all of this. He’s reminding me that I don’t always have to be the strong one who is there for others, that there are seasons where I am the weak one only receiving. He is teaching me to rely on Him. He gives only the strength we need for each day. If I focus on my feelings, I flail. It’s so hard to be the weak one. People ask me how I am and I don’t know what to say. I say I’m exhausted.

How I really am? My hormones are a mess because I got yanked off my estrogen and since I cry when I’m exhausted I either am crying or feel like crying most of the time. I’m also having stomach problems unrelated to the cancer or treatments other than the stress so I have to be near a bathroom and I have to be super careful what I eat and I’ve lost 16 pounds. The skin on my boob is often raw or itchy. I am having all kinds of emotions about work that I’m not ready to face. I am struggling.

People want to help and ask what they can do to help. The truth is, I don’t know. Pray for me. Hug me. Listen to me. Check on me. Tell me I’m strong.

I continue to do my self care, gratitude, prayer journal, worship, trust. I use humor whenever possible. Yesterday at Homestead group, one of the girls cuddled up to me. She misses her mama and I always miss my babies so we acknowledged that. And then we laughed together about my “roasted turkey breast” that she was cuddled up to.

I am continually grateful for so so many things. It could have been so much worse. There are so many others whose journeys make mine look simple.

This is almost over and hope and recovery lies just around the corner.

People comment on my positive outlook and grateful heart. That’s real but in the spirit of being truly genuine, I do have bad days too. Days when discouragement sets in and the tears flow.

Today is day 15 of radiation and day five in bed with flu/bronchitis. My skin at the radiation site is red and itchy and blistery. Tomorrow is halfway through the treatments. I started to feel normal and energetic at the beginning of last week then this flu that turned into bronchitis hit on Thursday. I didn’t get to sing this weekend or even go to church. If I see another episode of Property Brothers I’m gonna scream. I went to treatment this morning then for a blood draw. I have two calls to make to schedule more tests and appointments. Being a patient is getting old. I’m wearing a hole in my insurance card. Don’t even get me started on the bills. People at work are being very patient with me but my clients are being neglected.

So what do I do on bad days when discouragement hits? First, I let the tears flow. Sometimes you just gotta have a good cry. I reach out to people close to me who don’t feel like they need to fix it and I just tell them how I feel. They tell me it’s ok, that it’s gonna be ok. I do worship and pray and read His word even if I don’t feel like it. Sometimes He can’t get through my humanness to encourage me but He always lets me know He’s here. I always step up the self care. And I try to grab onto something to be grateful for. Last night it was this pic and text from my son in law to be:

He said here’s me and Sierra sending you love to get through this.

I took another day off work to recover.

Here’s my power breakfast:

So on those bad days, I just let them happen. He gives us just enough grace for each day. Tomorrow is a new day. I’m trusting Him for it.

Bet you thought a post about the flu would be about how miserable I am, huh? Nope! Thank you, Jesus, for the flu shot!

I started to get some energy again last week after resting last weekend from the radiation. I thought that was just gonna be the way it was. But Monday I felt better, worked, went to spin class since turbo kick is too bouncy (and found out one of my fav teachers teaches spin on Monday,yippee!). Tuesday went to work then Group Power (fun friends in that class), and a Wednesday worked then step class (lotsa fun friends and a favorite class.). Even stayed up til 9 each night! Thursday was a snow day. Went to my treatment in the ice but drove the rav then came home. As the day wore on, I felt kinda icky. Made the decision to cancel Homestead cause the girls were sick. Felt like poo poo. Got up and went to treatment Friday morning and had them take my temp. Normal. Went to work and felt bad, chills, exhausted,weird throat, then diarrhea. Went home. Stayed in bed all day, all night.

Today I got up and took a green tea detox bath. Got dressed. Rested.

I’ve got a good book,

my buddy,

HGTV, all the essentials.

I did get dressed and go to the store. Ran into My sweet mama there. And found this amazing item:

That’s right, lavender Vick’s! Whaaat? I have it spread all over the bottoms of my feet right now. And I made some delicious healing tea!

Recipe:

Diane’s Healing Tea (and Alexis)

Little bit o fresh ginger

Little bit o turmeric

Little bit o cider vinegar

Little bit o cinnamon

Little bit o fresh lemon juice

Lotta honey

Hot water

So I’m not miserable. I’m coughing and running a low grade temp and I’m worn out every time I get up. Ohhh but I also have fresh sheets. Guess I’m too grateful to be miserable. I’m sad I’m not at rehearsal right now for sure. And that I won’t be at TRU tomorrow. But I might even be secretly enjoying this. And Scott may actually be secretly enjoying himself too. He’s in his man cave listening to albums.

Yesterday the tired hit me like a wall. I was warned it was coming. I’m 8 days into radiation treatments, 23 to go. I’m already taking a nap every day after work for 45 minutes. I then have a healthy snack, go work out, eat a healthy dinner, watch a little Olympics, then go to bed. So I’ll pretty much be limiting all my extra activities and going into hibernation until I’m done with treatments on March 21.

The reason I titled this “tired, not tired” is because I believe there is power in positive thinking but a fine line between that and denial. So I’m being completely honest: this radiation is kicking my hiney! But! I am trusting God for strength and grace every day. I’m taking excellent care of myself! And I’m not allowing myself to think or talk constantly about how tired I am. I’m focusing how grateful I am that I am healed of cancer. I’m grateful for all the love and support that continues to roll in. It really makes a difference!

Here’s a God thing that happened today: after my nap and snack, I was gearing up to go to Homestead to do support group with the girls. I was feeling weepy (one of the ways exhaustion affects me) when I heard a little knock at the door. Standing there was my sweet neighbor, Terry, with a rose and a hug. She said, “I thought you might need this.” Wow. Yes, Terry, yes, I did. And I know how you knew.

Radiation treatments are easy peasy. So far. I started this week. 5 down, 26 to go.

Day one was a little longer appointment and it was harder, I’m not gonna lie. Two phrases this chicky doesn’t like to hear are “be patient” and “hold still”. So when I had to hold perfectly still in a position my shoulder doesn’t like for a full half hour, I struggled mentally. But mind over matter and God’s grace, I got through it. They drew on me again so I could see the field where the radiation will be. And the rest of the day I joked that I’m gonna start charging admission cause there were four people standing there looking at my bare boob at one point. Another day I told Scott, you’re the 4th person to touch that boob today.

The people there make it easier. They are very positive and upbeat, kind, and professional. Occasionally they spring things on me like you gotta get blood drawn every two weeks. Or by the way, don’t shave that armpit for the duration, six weeks. Whaaaat????. . The process is simple and efficient. I go into a dressing room and strip from the waist up and don a comfy gown. Then I head into the room where I lie down, put my arm in the mold, they line me up and then they leave. A big door closes (apparently they can see and hear me so it doesn’t feel scary). The machine makes some beeps and then moves to the other side and makes some more beeps and I’m done. Takes about 5 minutes tops.

My work folks have been so supportive and accommodating too. And because of the early appointment time, right on the way to work, I actually get to sleep in an extra 20 minutes. Today they changed my appointment to 10 so I could sleep in on my day off.

I continue to praise God for healing me of this cancer and for loving me all the way through it. My heart overflows with gratitude for all the little and big ways He shows me that He loves me.

We Came Together To Lay to Rest a Beautiful Soul Today

Kansas City Star Article:

Pregnant woman killed in Olathe home on the day she was to learn her first baby’s sex

BY MAX LONDBERG

jlondberg@kcstar.com

January 31, 2018 11:18 PM

Updated February 01, 2018 06:18 PM

The day she was killed, Ashley Harlan of Olathe had plans to learn the sex of her first baby.

Instead, the 23-year-old was found dead Tuesday afternoon inside a house at the Westerfield Townhouses off East Westerfield Place. Olathe police said one day later that Harlan’s death is being investigated as a homicide.

Sgt. Logan Bonney, a spokesman with Olathe police, said the department had no new details to release on Thursday. He added that officers have received multiple tips, but he encouraged others with information to come forward as well.

Harlan had moved into the Olathe house earlier this month from Manhattan, Kan., to be nearer to her baby’s father, friends said. She was living with her grandfather.

Harlan was about 20 weeks along in her pregnancy.

She had not had an easy life, according to Kaitlin Beeton, 22, and Tabitha Brown, 23 — both of whom described themselves as close friends of Harlan’s since grade school. Harlan attended Spring Hill Middle School with Beeton, and the two quickly became close in the town south of Olathe.

Harlan’s mother died when she was “very young,” Brown said, which resulted in her entering the foster care system. Harlan and Brown once lived together for a few months in the same foster home.

“She had a hard time finding her way,” Brown said.

But eventually, she did, Brown added.

Tabitha Brown (left) lived with Harlan for a short time when the two were children in the same foster home. Brown said Harlan was turning her life around before she was killed. “I was so proud of my sister.”

Tabitha Brown

Though Harlan struggled with drug addiction after running away from her foster home, Brown said that with the help of friends she had gotten clean and begun working on behalf of victims of sex trafficking at Homestead Ministeries, a Christian-based organization in Manhattan.Though Harlan struggled with drug addiction after running away from her foster home, Brown said that with the help of friends she had gotten clean and begun working on behalf of victims of sex trafficking at Homestead Ministeries, a Christian-based organization in Manhattan.

Harlan had attended classes at Kansas State University and her goal was to become a social worker to “help kids who’d gone through things like her,” Beeton said.

“She’d been doing so well, working hard on her future.”

Harlan planned to start a job in the coming weeks as a mentor to foster children.

She was living with her grandfather until she and her boyfriend could “get back on their feet,” Beeton added. They were hoping to one day rent an apartment together in Olathe.

Harlan’s grandfather was out of town in Las Vegas when his granddaughter was killed, Beeton said.

Brown, who was to be the godmother to Harlan’s child and planned to accompany her to the ultrasound appointment, said her friend never did learn the sex of her baby.

“I don’t know who would want to hurt her,” Brown said. “She was the sweetest person I think I’ve ever known.”

Those with information are encouraged to contact Olathe police at 913-971-6950 or the TIPS Hotline at 816-474-8477.

Wednesday

I got a text at work Wednesday morning from Deb that said something horrible had happened. I called her and she said Ashley had been found shot and was gone. I was in shock. I told her we needed to gather the girls together. I felt like a zombie while finishing a meeting and a few things to get ready to go. In the parking lot I texted Scott and called PD to pray with me.

At the house, the girls were crying. I was in shock. We sat together and tried to process it. I just couldn’t get it to sink in. We looked through her Facebook page and tried to piece it together. We started contacting past girls to let them know. A few local ones came. It was comforting to sit together. We laugh d about Ashley’s loud squeal, her favorite outfits of leopard pants and a lime green sweater.

I returned to work and felt like I was in a dream state all day. After work Erin called as I was leaving and I dumped on her. Then I processed it with Heather during clinical supervision. I went to my work out class and felt like I wasn’t there. At home I texted with Pepper and Heather, former Homestead girls and talked with Sandy, our first Homestead mom which helped. Sarah (clinical supervisee/friend) called and that also helped. Scott came home and took care of me and I cried.

Thursday during group, I felt better but the girls were really struggling. Another previous girl came. We talked and prayed and remembered and laughed.

Today was the funeral. We all met at Homestead and carpooled. 30 of us. Current and previous girls, mentors, volunteers. It was so good to just be together and to know we were all hurting so much. Sandy and her daughters came. Pepper flew in from Detroit. We met Ashley’s boyfriend and he had nothing to say. No one knows why this happened or who could have done it.

The girls who came today:

The service was nice, done by her youth Pastor at Life Mission Church. And Deb spoke. The family sat like zombies.

The graveside service was awful. Crying and freezing and staring at the casket. At the end, each of the girls took a flower from the large arrangement to keep.

The lunch was prepared by Ashley’s uncle’s men’s group and was delicious. Each of our girls spoke eloquently about Ashley and their memories of her.

After the funeral, as life goes on, we drove to Missouri to pick up a new Homestead girl. She seems very sweet and grateful to be at Homestead. We drove back to Manhattan and sat around laughing and remembering and just comforting one another again.

I met Ashley as a Homestead girl but she became a friend. We went for walks together and had amazing talks. I met her aunt and uncle. She came every day last semester and let our dogs out. She stayed here a few times. She called me many times to talk and problem solve while she was filling in as house manager. She told me she considered me one of her moms. I can still hear her voice, her laugh, and see her face. It still hasn’t completely sunk in that she’s gone. I keep going back and forth from deep, exhausting sadness to disbelief. Below is what I wrote and sent to the aunt.

I have watched Ashley grow from a scared, rebellious, impulsive teenager when she first came to Homestead to the beautiful, loving, caring woman she was just yesterday. When she first came, she was sure she had all the answers, for herself and for everyone else. All of a sudden she was surrounded by all these mom’s who loved her and she wouldn’t listen to anything we said. And then she did. And she grew. She softened and let us love her. And she matured and made sense of her story. And she fell in love with God.

Ashley had such a giant heart. She loved God so much. And she loved every single person she met. Fully loved. Her life has touched so many people. She lived to help others and sacrificed so much to be able to pass on the love she received from God and us to others. She was so real, so genuine, so fun-loving, so giving.

Words cannot express how special she was to all of us who knew and loved her.