dianegclark

Leah and the boys spent 4 days here with us! It was filled with so many special moments. I don’t want a single one to slip away.

Like Emmet asking to have Gramma read his bedtime stories and throwing his little arms around my neck.

Like Henry watching me then giggling every time I looked at him.

Like Emmet playing nearby as I lay on the floor then suddenly he was lying right up next to me with his head in the crook of my arm and he laid there quite awhile.

Emmet singing “Rocket Man” into the mic at TRU rehearsal.

Leah and I getting some great clothes shopping in!

Emmet watching grandpa sing with wonder in his eyes.

Henry’s picnic in the park, me feeling him banana and applesauce while Leah and Emmet ran around.

Like Emmet getting a back ride from Gramma at the Pumpkin Patch.

Throwing coins in the fountains at the butterfly garden.

Emmet expertly dribbling the soccer ball all over the huge soccer field with Papa and scoring goals and we could hear his little voice saying, “GOOOOOOal!”

Emmet saying there’s Rex over and over in his sweet little voice.

Emmet randomly kissing me twice!

Beautiful weather all 4 days!

Henry not fussing really, just sitting and grinning and giggling and watching.

Emmet sitting down to eat saying, “Rocket man eats Mac and cheese” then changing it to “Rocket man eats yogurt” cause that’s what he wanted instead.

Scott watching Henry while we went to pumpkin patch and putting his diaper on backward. And his impression of Henry’s face eating broccoli for the first time.

Emmet at Bible study referring to everyone as “gramma’s friends”.

Emmet throwing coins in the fountain at the KState butterfly farm.

Good bye snuggles and hugs.

Scott and I got up early on Saturday and drove to Newton to watch the boys so Leah could set up a Lavender and Clover booth at Fall Fest. When we arrived, Emmet was so glad to see us. Dave and Scott sat and chatted soccer and apps while I got the boys changed and dressed. Emmet put on his big boy underpants and got out every one of his items of clothes and showed them to Papa before insisting on putting back on his jammies. Oh well! Henry at six months knows me now so he smiles at me. This was probably the first time I was as excited to see Henry as I was Emmet. Henry has his own sweet little personality now.

I got to give Henry a bottle and tried to get him to take a nap but snuggling him to sleep is more like a wrestling match so we gave up.

Dave wanted to go over and check in with his brother and see what Leah was up to so we got Emmet to put on his clothes and go potty then headed out the back door. On the way over, Emmet tried to get us both to hold his hands so he could play one two three swing but when Dave said no, instead, he ran ahead and yelled, “Emmet fast!” And “run, run, run!” He looked so cute in his little gap jeans that looked like they ought to be sagging. Leah and Emmet were glad to see each other so we got Scott some food then headed back. When we got back, Scott and Henry were fine. He’s a good grandpa.

Scott likes to spontaneously break into song (if you know Scott, you know this) and Saturday the song was Rocket Man by Elton John. Emmet loved it. So Papa had to teach him to sing “rocket man!” At top volume. It was absolutely adorable. The rest of the day, he would randomly sing out “rocket man!” With feeling spontaneously, just like Papa.

I gave Emmet his lunch then bundled up Henry and took him over for Leah to nurse. We wrapped him up in the baby wrap grandparent style. Leah laughed. I took a sleeping Henry back to the house and put him down then attempted to put Emmet down for a nap. Leah said he would most likely play quietly in his room. So we read books and got his room ready but I forgot that Leah picks up his toys first. He got upset that I wouldn’t keep reading books so I crawled into his bed and took my own nap. Emmet proceeded to clean his room and put all his toys away. While cleaning, he crawled into then out of bed with me a couple of times and put all his stuffed animals and baby dolls in bed with me. Then while cleaning, he quietly continued to sing rocket man. So so so cute.

When we got up, Scott was asleep in the living room. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and when I returned, I found this:

When Henry got up, I got to feed him some rice cereal. He loved it.

The rest of the time, Emmet played and Henry was super content to be held by one of us or play on the floor. At one point, I was holding Henry on the couch and Emmet had a toy next to me. Henry kept reaching for the toy and Emmet said, “Emmet give baby” and shared his toy without being asked! Another time, Henry kept dropping his pacifier on Emmet and Emmet put it back in his mouth over and over. They were playing together! Later Leah had put Henry in the rock a roo and his pacifier dropped out. Emmet got it and put in Henry’s mouth then gave Henry a big hug. Henry is always delighted to watch Emmet play. And Henry is working on sitting up and he reaches. At one point Henry grabbed both sides of my face and pulled me to him and opened his mouth like he was giving me a big kiss.

Leah said it would be hard to take them both out to eat and turns out she was right. We went to Applebee’s and we got to see Emmet being a handful. Leah just drank a hard cider and smiled knowingly while we all three tried to wrestle, entertain the boys and eat all at the same time.

When we got ready to leave for Manhattan, Emmet got fussy. He sat right next to us between us on the couch cuddling and fussing. Leah asked him, “Emmet, are you sad that Papa and Gramma are leaving? He snuggled in closer, stoped crying and reassured himself, “Its ok.” I told him I was sad too.

But in two weeks, Leah is bringing the boys to our house for a big, long weekend! I’m so excited!

What a joy and honor to get to participate in Praisefest again this year!

Last weekend, I got slammed with a respiratory infection. Scott had battled it and was feeling better Sunday morning just in time to lead worship for his first time ever! I woke up with very little voice. But God is so good and we were able to pull off the worship without Dave. It wasn’t vocally stellar but as God continues to teach us, that isn’t what matters! It was testimony Sunday and we felt an intimacy with the congregation as they were all pulling for us. They sang really loud! And Scott shared his testimony of what a miracle it is for him to be up there singing! For both of us!

Sunday after singing, like a nut, we went to Arkansas to see Dave’s Midwest Meets Manhattan concert. I was sooooo sick! I slept most of the way there in the way back of Fred’s van, rested in the hotel, went to the concert and for food, slept over in the hotel and then rested all the way back. It was a long week trying to get well and see clients but by Thursday, I cancelled everything and went to the doctor. He put me on antibiotics and prednisone so I could get well to sing!

Alll week as I was sick, I trusted God to make my voice better. I had very little voice and coughed pretty much every time I took a breath. God is so much bigger than any small issue like a voice. He is healer and He knows my heart.

I slept Thursday and Friday then we got up and dumbly decided to go to the Billy Joel concert at Royals Stadium that we had bought tickets for. I slept while Scott drove. We hit a huge traffic jam and then had to park and walk from the boonies. We were 45 minutes late into the concert. When we got to our seats, we couldn’t see anything! If I sat down, which I needed to do, I couldn’t even see the big screens! I think I saw Billy Joel’s tiny bald head once. We listened for about half an hour and I kept falling asleep. Everyone was drunkly loudly conversing around us so we couldn’t even hear the music. Scott said, let’s take you home. I rest all the way home and then all the way til getting ready on Saturday.

Every year I make Praisefest so much bigger in my mind that it is. The band works hard and I had missed vocal practice on Thursday. But I just had peace. Mom and Scott had a few little freak out moments on the way walking in. But I just knew.

The crowd size was better than last year but a tiny part of me was disappointed that most of the people I had invited didn’t come. Oh well.

What a beautiful day for Praising God in the park! I will try to describe what it is like to stand on the stage with your great friends and worship God openly in a public park. First of all, my sweet Homestead girls walked right up and put out their sheet to sit right in front of us. They love God so much and their worship is so inspiring to me. I just grabbed that mic and let it all go. Dave and I smiled at each other on and off throughout. I’d look over and see Scott, eyes closed, singing his heart out. The Holy Spirit just flowed. My voice was really straining and it didn’t matter at all! I was just singing to Him! When we sang the line “like a rushing wind, Jesus breathe again…” the wind picked up and blew straight into our faces. It was an amazing feeling.

After singing, Mom and I joined the Homestead girls on their sheet now in the shade. Veronica joined us and brought her jewelry which we bought tons of and left blinged out.

Scott and I took a nap then headed back to see the giant, impressive crowd and hear the big acts. We sat on the hill on a blanket and it was so fun.

I cannot wait for Praisefest next year. Thank you, Father, for this privilege!

Little face looking out the window so excited to see grandma

Have me a sweet hug

I’m now g’papa. Tried hard to say grandma

Looked out the window and said there’s g’papa’s car, there’s Mama’s car

Put his new beads on and said,”you look good”

Told me he’s “be b back” when he left the room

Said he was in Emmet’s tent, also called it moose’s tent

G’papa’s water, Mama’s water, Emmet’s water

And food. And it’s good

Hugs and kisses for baby Henry

Wants baby Henry in bed with him

sat in a box together with torn up paper. Giggling. Held Henry in the too

Ate wheat thins like a lizard and he giggles almost uncontrollably

Hug tracked me over and over

Let Henry play naked. Asked what his penis was then called it push to

Played outside, Henry giggled every time moose’s ran back with the ball.

Emmet covered in mosquitos

Leah put me to work

I can’t believe its been 5 years now. I’ve been involved with Homestead from the start and we’ve had over 45 women come through the program! Each of them are so special, so brave, so amazing. It really is an honor and a blessing to be involved and to be a tiny part of each of their journeys. Some don’t make it all the way through, but that’s ok. They learn that they are loved. They learn there is another way. They learn what is possible. Not all the graduates are able to sustain changes in substance use or in healthy relationships, but almost all of them stay out of the sex industry. We are learning so much. We are screening better and can better recognize those who are ready for next steps. Our referral sources have a better idea of what girls can be successful here. Now more and more of the girls are making it all the way through and are graduating. They leave with their debts paid, a support system built, coping skills, having worked through any trauma and issues, job skills or an education, and most importantly, a closer relationship with God.

When Andrea mentioned her upcoming graduation, I offered the use of our home. Several years ago, Heather had her party here. We love using our house for God. So Sunday afternoon, we hurried home from church and put some pop on ice and laid out the plates and other supplies Andrea and Deb had gotten. Scott got started grilling the meat even though it was raining! He stayed out there and grilled in miserable conditions for an hour and a half!

There were so many people!

and so much food! (I did zero food prep–Deb supplied most of it, Andrea a ton, and then people brought food).

After awhile, Dave came with his guitar and we set up in the corner of the living room and sang some worship songs. Everyone sang at the top of their lungs!

Andrea loves to sing so for the last song, we had her join us.

What an honor to know Andrea and to have her celebration here and to be a part of her journey.

I have not camped since I was a little girl. I have only kayaked once. A couple years ago, my outdoors person friend Hilary invited myself and my daughter Hannah out to Tuttle puddle for an afternoon of kayaking. I liked it! So when this intro to kayaking training came along, she invited me!

I had some idea of what and how to pack since I used to stay the night at the stadium during Relay for Life. I have a little 2 man pup tent. So I packed and got ready on Friday. We followed each other out to Council Grove lake and to a group shelter in the campground. The instructor, Larry was there. I told him about my inexperience and that I am related to master kayaker TJ, whom he knows. We set up our tents.

Hilary and I took off for Council Grove and ate dinner at the famous Hays House. I’ve always wanted to eat there and here we were in our grubby clothes. Apparently they have a nicer section upstairs so we were ok eating downstairs. We ate some yummy home cooking then looked around at the historical artifacts, then walked along the river walk awhile. I almost stepped on a tiny snake which confirmed for Hilary what I had told her, lake snakes do like me, I attract them.

When we got back to camp, it was dark and there were about 10 people there. It was different meeting people in the dark so we sat up with folks awhile then I turned in.

Hilary had brought me a nicer camp pad than I had and she brought a sheet! Difference maker! I actually slept ok! (Side note, a therapist friend sold me some Do-Terra essential oil for sleep called Serenity and it works!). I woke up when I heard other nearby campers stirring, about 640. We washed faces and teeth and I took down my tent and packed up then we attended the introductions and info meeting. The whole time I was getting ready, I was getting super nervous about the skill sessions. I am not super comfortable in the water. I mentioned this a couple of times and even though both Larry and Hilary said I only needed to do what I felt comfortable with, it was clear the the expectation was that I would do enough to learn how to handle myself if I ran into problems kayaking.

So everyone put their kayaks in the lake and I got in mine pretty easily and paddled out a ways. There were about 20 people in the group, one with less experience and many still considered beginners but much more experienced than I. I put the skirt on but I was not comfortable snapping it onto the kayak. The difference is that with the skirt on, if the kayak tipped, I would go under until I was able to unsnap the skirt off the kayak and then the PFD would cause me to pop out of the kayak and to the surface. No fricking way. Without the skirt, if the kayak tipped, I would just fall out of the kayak and float. Ok. I could do that. So I never attached the skirt and ditched it altogether in the afternoon. I also never allowed the kayak to tip.

I sort of did the few drills and was able to do all the paddling drills. When it was time to get out of the kayak to learn how to do a “self rescue”, I did carefully get out. I was unable but almost got myself back in the kayak. The group concurred that I was only unable to do it because I was in a big, stable, higher kayak. Later, when the group practiced partner rescues, I got out of the kayak two more times and was able to get back in when the partner stabilized my kayak. A little bruised, but now I know how.

We then kayaked about a mile on the water to a lunch spot. I wore out pretty quickly! I managed to get out of the kayak gracefully somehow. I enjoyed chatting with a few people, including a nurse from Manhattan. Most of the kayakers were from the Kansas City area. I had packed a pretty yummy lunch.

Getting back in the water, a snake appeared, not near me, but it confirmed what I said about attracting snakes. They had not seen one at this event before.

More practice on rescues. I wasn’t up to tipping my kayak far enough to help rescue someone else. So I had a lot of sitting around. I was too pooped to paddle much. I chatted with one helpful gentleman who offered to paddle back to camp with me a little early. I said my goodbyes and thank yous. On the way back, he decided the paddle I was using was the problem. He switched me for his and it was so much easier!

Overall, I’m pleased with the experience and I had a great time! My goal was to be a little safer if my friend Hilary invites me to kayak again and I achieved that! And made some memories in the process.

The instructor, Larry, me in the kayak, and in my hammock:

First, I have completed my six month check ups, been poked and prodded and scanned, and I am cancer free! I even got the official OK that I am not taking the tamoxifen drug, as it was only to help me prevent reoccurrence. I had such a negative reaction to it that the decision not to sacrifice my mental health for the slim possibility I will have this same type of cancer again is not worth it. The oncologist agreed that if I had had an aggressive or life threatening form of cancer, we would need to explore further options but he supported my decision. I never doubted that I was cancer free but it does feel good to know for sure. That chapter of my life is officially CLOSED praise Jesus! It still seems surreal to me that it even happened. Except when I lift weights and my right pectoral muscle balks which apparently is permanent. So what! Overall I am filled with gratitude. God is good.

Second, today is the day that all the teachers officially reported to school and I AM NOT THERE! I felt a little sad last week when I knew they had Camp Dewy and got several “I miss you texts” from my buds. I sent a text this morning saying I was thinking of them and missing them. I got lots of responses from my sweet friends and their responses made me cry. I miss them terribly. I feel not a part of something big that I used to be such a huge part of. However, I am so incredibly happy with my decision, my new schedule, and my “new” job. It has certainly been and continues to be an adjustment but it is a positive one.

Here is what God is showing me:

Balance. I have always needed a better balance between working on the inner me and the outer me. I continue to work out at the gym but I’m cool with missing some work outs if something more important comes up. This is kind of huge for me. I have always worked on the inner me but now I actually have more time. So I am giving myself lots more grace about the outer me.

Rest. This also relates to balance but God is showing me how to manage down time. We all tend to fill our down time with busyness, doing, serving others, “being Christian” but sometimes we just need to rest. I have always been a napper but I need to learn that I don’t have to always be “doing”.

Present. The therapist in me knows the importance of being fully present. I do practice mindfulness and meditation and science supports the benefits of this. God is showing me how to be fully present in each moment and let Him guide the next. I still have a tendency to lay awake at night and make massive amounts of lists and plans in my head so He isn’t done working with me on this. But I think I have it down during wakeful hours.

Alone. Being comfortable with being alone. I can be alone. But I usually fill it with busyness. So God is showing me how to be alone and restful and just be.

God is in control. Doing therapy feels like such a huge responsibility. But I am confident that every person that comes through those doors is not there by mistake. God has brought them and He is making them well. The first few weeks, I did a lot of planning. Now I do a lot of praying. It is so satisfying and inspiring to be used by God to bring peace and hope and joy to clients. He is in control.

A sample day in my new life: I woke up without an alarm at 8:30 (Whaat? I have hit the ground running alarm set at 530, clients in my office by 715 for so many years!) I did my quiet time with God in my favorite chair on the deck facing the yard. I love my daily coffee time and conversations with God. It is awesome when I can do that just after waking up and without feeling rushed. I texted my friends to tell them I missed them then got ready and sang some worship songs taking my time, soaking in the tub. Then I went into the office and saw a client. I let God completely lead the session without having made any pre plans. Then I got gas without checking to see if it was on some sort of to do list. Then I decided to stop by Smoothie King and get a yummy smoothie for lunch. I enjoyed that watching HGTV, and doing this blog which I’ve been looking forward to doing. Then I took a little nap. I did Homestead support group (again, God is in control) and had a late client cancel, then vocal practice and dinner with PD and Scott.

Who could possibly ask for a better day?

Day one:. Road trip!

Scott and I left Manhattan in the Rav at 830 am on Friday. We stopped at Starbucks and meet Leah and Dave who put Emmet’s Caraway in our car for the trip! I am amazed at how this little guy did. Of course, he had the constant attention of a grandparent at all times. We read books, sang, danced, colored, snacked, and scream laughed so the way to Golden. A quick stop at Kent and Hannah’s for the reunion and meeting Molly, Joel’s girlfriend. Oh the joy of seeing my babies again. I cried.

Then a caravan up to Breckenridge in the rain, yes, with this anxious chick driving.

The condo is perfect. There is plenty of sleeping places and bathrooms. We stayed with Dave’s family in the same complex years ago (the time the kids got lost).

After a few rounds of taboo with much laughter, Emmet slept in a palate on the floor in my room. In the night he cried and was cold so I got to snuggle in bed with him for hours!!He actually slept on me for awhile then in a ball in my arms. Such pure joy.

Day Two

Everyone got up and grabbed breakfast that Hannah and Kent had brought then Scott and Joel and I went on a short hike. It was beautiful and fun.

Back at the condo, we packed up the leftover sandwiches for a picnic lunch and loaded up to cars and drove down to Dillon lake to the day camping area. We spent the day there picnicking, playing on the beach, rafting in the air mattress and paddle boarding. Emmet stripped naked and played in the water giggling for hours. It was a very relaxing enjoyable afternoon.

On the way back to the condo we split up and some of us stopped at whole foods to do for the annual cooking contest. Each meal is prepared by a different couple and we rate the meal need in a rubric. So night one was Hannah and Kent. They made delicious pizza and salad. We then sat around the table singing mostly Beatles songs with Joel accompanying us on the ukelele. Followed by a round of Cards Against Humanity and much laughter. And an early bedtime for all.

Emmet slept most of the night in his bed but we did snuggle a bit before waking up all the way.

Day Three

Day Three started with an amazing breakfast prepared by Molly and Joel. They made grilled French toast kabobs, grilled fruit, bacon, and veggie quiche. And Nutella mocha coffee that was unbelievable!

After breakfast was a whole family hike on burro trail which was a trail along a babbling Brook. Emmet walked much of it but wanted to play one two three swing with Joel and Scott over and over.

The hike was followed by ice cream on main Street then a nap. The kids played spike ball and we napped. Then it was Leah and Dave’s night to cook. They made delicious Thai sandwiches with fancy sauce and veggies.

After dinner Hannah and Kent Scott and I say in the hot tub awhile then the family played A board game. Randomly, a fix came up to the door if the condo and profit would have come in if we’d opened the door.

. All weekend there were many moments of sweet interactions and conversations.

Emmet had such a great time being in all the attention he got. He counted everything in the condo (he counted to 13 skipping 7 and 8), named event in the room ( never could figure out Molly’s name and for some reason he stopped eating grandma this weekend and called me “other Papa”. He also showed it knowing all his letters. He went to bed early for naps and bedtime and was pretty much an angel.

We all got our Henry time in too. Henry’s tummy bother him write a bit and we decried it was the altitude (which also briefly got Joel and me).

It was lovely to get to know Molly and to see how much she and Joel like/love each other. They’ve been dating about 9 months so it was awesome to finally meet her. She’s a sweetheart and a keeper.

We got up the last day and packed up. Scott and I made it meal which turned out great but almost killed us with the sugar content. We made parfait Buddha bowls, caramel macchiatos, and cinnamon rolls.

So in case you are wondering, Joel and Molly won, followed by Leah and Dave, then Kent and Hannah then us. It was almost directly proportional to the amount of time rack couple put into it.

It is always so sad to say goodbye after our great family times together. I cried when we said goodbye at Kent’s. We loved every minute and having Emmet ride both ways with us. I loved snuggling Emmet every morning.

One of our Homestead graduates had a baby and I got to be there! She had scheduled induction for a day I could n’t make then my phone rang at 730 am Thursday and it was Amber! She was crying big years of relief and joy that she’d fine into labor and was being admitted.

I arrived about 8. Amber had already had her epidural so she was just chilling. The doctor checked her and she was at a 4 so I figured it would be awhile. She was at a 7 at about 930 and by 10 when they moved Amber around, they checked and she was at 8 or 9 so they called the doctor. The doctor came and they started bringing stuff into the room and the next thing you know they said “we’re having a baby!”.

The doctor asked if it’s hold one leg and Amber say up and pushed the times and bloop! Out came sweet baby Jakayla! God is so good and modern medicine is pretty amazing too! They let Amber cut the cord herself and then put naked baby on Ambers tummy and left her there and everyone left the room to let them bond. They didn’t do all the checking and measuring until after that.

The wiggle ready of the day I couldn’t quit crying. It just so beautiful and special to witness.

I have more time now so I get to go see my babies about every two to three weeks. I treasure my time with them! Mom went with me for my June visit which was awesome as she made the drive go faster and was a bit help with the babies. At that time Emmett was saying a lot of words and he said grandma twice! He lived giving Henry kisses, checking on him, and reading books to him. Art one point Emmet laid in his toddler bed and wanted Henry in the crook of his arm, all the stuffed animals and then and books to read to Henry. Henry lived it too! He kicked his little legs and cooed! Then Emmet wanted me in the bed too! For the first time, Emmet cried when we left.

This time, Emmet was saying short sentences and communicating his wishes clearly. He could say a bunch of letters and colors and sing the ABC song. He sang the eeieeiooo part of Old Macdonald. He pointed at the upper part of my breast and I swear he said, “Is that your Boob?”. Henry giggles and cooed and doesn’t like to fall asleep. Emmet finally had a good appetite. We went out to eat and other than accidentally doing his water, he did great! He ate all his food! When Henry fussed ai, Leah just plugged him right on in the mushroom of the restaurant. I was very proud of her. Leah is such a good mom.

I am so happy to have the availability to go see Emmet and Henry and Leah so often.

July: