dianegclark

I sought God this morning on the Konza. I found Him, but not there.

I packed up my new fanny pack (my MIL loved fanny packs and left me one) and headed out to the Konza. I love the Konza. I had big plans. Gonna do church on the Konza. Make a facebook/insta post about it.

The Konza was closed due to a washed out bridge. Blocked.

Ok, I got this, I’ll go to my favorite woods trail next to the river. I love the woods. So I set out, parked, found the secret trail, started down it. Not 50 steps in, I was covered with spider webs and spiders. Noooo!

I got this, too. Grabbed a big stick, waved it in front of me, forging on my own path. Didn’t work. I had to turn back.

So I ended up on the linear trail. Plain, mowed grass, not much to see, wide open, hand on my pepper spray due to all the random questionable characters going by on their bikes.

For sure I was in a philosophical mood, but I did set out to seek God this morning. I do that every morning. I’m on a healing journey. This morning’s trials were my personal message from the One Who knows me and loves me.

I often have big plans to do God’s work, to find Him. And hit blocks. Sometimes huge, unpassable blocks that leave me wondering, hurting, feeling alone. I used to think it was my sin that separated me from God. A friend reminded me that nothing can separate us from His Love. God has been showing me that in my shame, I hide from Him, like Adam and Eve in the garden.

This morning He reminded me that He just want to walk with me in the garden, hang out with me. That’s why He created me. To love Him and be with Him. I make my big plans to set out on my own ways to find Him and do great things for Him. Then in my efforts, I keep trying and life’s huge distractions get in my way, seek to discourage me and make me quit. Even as I write this on my lower patio under the trees, my dog took a big stinky shit that I had to get up and move. Then the mosquitos attacked me and I had to get bug spray.

This morning, I found God on the linear trail and He spoke to me. He is there in the mundane, the ordinary. All I have to do is come to Him wide open, vulnerable, broken, just as I am, without expectation. He just wants to hang out with me. Not to do anything. Not to be anything. Just love Him and soak up His healing love.

I first met Julie at her house on Pipher Lane during a chili feed for Scott’s shift on the FD. She was whispering to her friend that Scott was in love with me.

Scott moved in with Julie in her apartment at Heritage Ridge to save money when we were engaged. I got to know her better and we became close.

I remember driving Julie to KU Med Center August 6 to meet Ian who had been born premie. And then spending hours with Shari, Scott and Julie while we all pitched in to take care of Ian.

Julie and I quickly became more than mother and daughter in law. We became friends. We walked and talked for hours together. She prayed constantly for a husband to love. I remember she hung a pair of men’s pants on her bedpost and prayed for a man to fill them. She really did pray for parking spaces, too. She had a strong faith that inspired mine even though we disagreed on many faith issues.

I remember when Julie was selling Mary Kay, I had a party for her and no one came. She did a facial on Scott and I. I also remember once she walked in the house when Scott and I were in bed. Thank goodness she saw the line of clothes leading to the bedroom. She thought that was so funny.

Julie met and married Jon about 4 years into Scott and my marraige. We had a lot of fun, the four of us, looking at houses all over town as he sold real estate. He helped us find the house we live in now.

Julie went with Jon to Texas, leaving all of us, Hannah as a newborn, and her great job as the General’s secretary on post. She didn’t want to go and she hated Texas. While there, she survived a horrible car accident. A semi merged into her causing her to spin, hit the semi again, then was flung into oncoming traffic, hit head on, then landing upside down in the median. She said that while the car flew out of control, she said “Jesus save me” and the car was filled with white. She crawled out the back window of the car and sat on the steps of the semi to wait for the ambulance with zero injuries. She was pissed that when they got to the ER, they cut off her favorite bra.

Julie went through a horrible depression after that and we spent hours talking on the phone. When she and Jon broke up, we were so happy to have her home with us.

Julie then worked as a medical transcriptionist at Lafene for years. She could listen to the tapes, type, and read the Bible at the same time.

Julie was always fit and healthy. She nibbled veggies and nuts all day. When she ate with us, she’d always comment on how could we eat so much cheese! She walked and walked and walked right up til her final fall.

Julie lived with us for six months after she had a seizure at work and had her drivers license suspended. We loved having her there, her laughter and positive outlook. Lots of people would hate having their mother in law live with them, but they wouldn’t if it was Julie. I didn’t love her 4:30am alarm and often laid there and wondered what in the world she was doing up there. I’d hear her alarm and then a million super fast footsteps all over the room til she left for work.

Julie loved her family so much. She was such a good grandma to the kids. She came to as many events as she possibly could, all the birthdays, holidays, games, plays, recitals. She did that with all of Shari’s kids too, right up to the end. One day when she was in her confused state in the hospital, she told me she changed into her shoes and drove to a game. She was talking about Sam’s games.

Julie was so happy to meet Larry and loved him dearly. They dressed alike every single day. They ate their healthy food and walked together. They had puppies and for that short time period, she actually got to co-own a home rather than live in apartments. It was so sad when he died. But Julie always did ok on her own, a strong woman.

Julie did not like to spend money. She lived her entire life paycheck to paycheck. She’d scrimp and save or go into debt so she could write those little birthday and Christmas checks to the kids. Even after she got her settlement for falling, she wouldn’t spend it, not on herself and not on others. She wrote on her vision board that she wanted to give it all away. Guess she did just that.

I still can’t completely wrap my head around the fact that Julie is gone. Mom and I loved to meet up with her when we went to Topeka monthly to the eye doctor. This last time we went, we couldn’t bring ourselves to go to Cracker Barrell where we’d meet Julie.

The celebration of life was wonderful but I kept looking around for Julie. I will miss her terribly.

What an amazing weekend. There is way to much to relay, too many pictures to share, so I will just hit the highlights.

We loved staying at Hannah and Kent’s little house in Golden on our way there. They’ve fixed it up and made it theirs and it is really cute. We stopped in Laramie on the way there and the way back. Love Laramie.

We loved Lander, where we stayed, the downtown, the views, even the drive there.

We loved meeting the rest of Kent’s family and getting to know them. Having the wedding in the backyard was perfect. It turned out so well.

The cocktail party Friday night was so much fun. Hannah had all of us wear black cocktail clothes and they wore white! Everyone looked so elegant and sophisticated. We listened to a jazz musician friend of theirs and sipped cocktails (and shots 🙂 and talked.

Reconnecting with Hannah’s childhood friends, Hannah, Hannah, Rachel, Josh. There were hugs and tears and memories and lots of love. I danced with Josh and enjoyed catching up with him. He got to be a part of getting Hannah ready which was special.

Meeting all of Hannah’s physical therapy school friends. What amazing people! I’ve heard so much about al of them. And her Laramie friends, too. Again lots of hugs and love all around.

Family time. Always good. It was fun to spend time with Molly and hear about her movie adventures and get to know her better. The rehearsal was fun and hanging out with our immediate family joined by Kent’s was special. Everyone came over Sunday night to the retreat where we stayed for dinner (leftovers from the best wedding food I’ve ever eaten), outdoor games, and a bonfire.

Emmet was awesome as usual. In the car we taught him to say, “Pop it, Grandma” when he wanted to get somewhere fast. A couple of times, he came into a room or left a room and said, “good to see you all.” He referred to me several times as “bud”, Like “What’re you doing, bud?” Once when he returned a toy to a baby’s parents, he bent over and presented it to them and said, “Thank you, welcome”.

Henry was awesome as usual, too. He is saying words in his sweet, little voice. He says “flowerer” when he sees any flower as he loves them. If you asked him if he pooped, he points to his diaper and says, “Poo!” He put up his sweet adorable arms to reach for me lots of times. The last morning, he reached for me when he woke up and put his head on my shoulder and let me hold him a long time. He usually only lets his mom and dad do that. It was cute to watch he and Dave interact, too. Dave is really good with him.

Other random things. Hannah Baker told us she wants us to be her parents. With tears and sincerity. We agreed. Josh told me he loves me several times and gave me an open invite to his apartment. We will have he and his partner over. I connected with Heidi’s six year old son who was adorable with long blonde hair and dressed western. She confided in me that I was instrumental with her going through with having and keeping him. That was very cool to hear. A gal came up to me at the party and said I looked and sounded like the singer Pink.

Hannah told me thanks for being the life of the party. Ok, I did do tequila shots both nights. Lots of them. Very fun.

Loved singing “More of You” with Scott. Got tons of compliments. The words were perfect. Scott nailed it. I had a hard time looking out at the audience because about every other person was crying including Hannah and Kent.

First dances. Hannah and Scott danced to Billy Joel’s Lullaby. Hannah and Kent choreographed some serious moves for their first dance.

The wedding itself was so special and perfect. Everyone wore floral. It was the perfect size. The perfect location and the decorations were beautiful, simple, rustic and reflected Hannah. The ceremony was so touching. Hannah’s vows and “performance” of them were perfectly Hannah. Kent’s simple vows were so sweet. He said he isn’t a planner but Hannah is so he was officially pencilling her in for forever. Tears! Hannah’s dress was simple and elegant and so her. The dinner and party after were the best I’ve ever been to.

Kent is an amazing young man and fits into our family so well. It was Such a beautiful celebration of the start of their married life together.

We cancelled the birthday/anniversary party but had three more!

The kids all came home for Hannah and Kent’s Kansas wedding celebration party two weekends ago. It was so awesome to have them home. We spent Saturday at Lake Wabaunsee then the party was Saturday night.

Then last weekend was Scott’s 40th High School reunion. We had a great time at Kite’s Friday night then had everyone over Saturday and also went to another party Saturday night before coming back here.

Loved catching up with everyone and made some new friends!

The third party was for Dave’s 50th birthday. We had so many people over here! Kids everywhere with sticky root beer and ice cream and chocolate cake. Tons and tons of food. Lots of noise and laughter and joy.

We love parties over here! Wanna come?

I’m a writer. I write. I journal every morning. I blog. I’m almost done with my first novel. I am sorry for the long break in my blogs, my blog followers. I am sorting out many things and realized that blogging is one way I do that. I have been told I’m too open. I have thought a lot about that and prayed about it. I decided that’s who I am. If someone doesn’t like who I am, they are always welcome to discuss it with me because I am open to change and open to caring, constructive input. But I’m gonna be me. If someone has a problem with that ultimately, fuck em.

I am so excited about my novel, “She’s on Her Own”, which is in it’s end stages. I have three faithful readers/editors who are pouring over it slowly, giving input. I will take their suggestions and make changes and then begin finding a publisher.

The story is a fictionalized true story of two women I met through the Homestead program, one trafficked as a child and as a young adult. The second woman, groomed for trafficking, was brutally murdered. Both are stories that need told, stories of redemption and hope. Stories of victory and courage. I am so proud of the novel.

My favorite editor is 96 years young. He told me yesterday he has fallen in love with the two main characters and is completely caught up in their stories. He said that I have exceptional talent and he loves my writing style. He is struggling a little with the raw language but he is only halfway through. Their stories are not for the faint at heart. Even Deb, who has heard all of these girls’ stories, said she has trouble sleeping after reading it in the evening.

I currently have about four blog posts in me that will pour out today. I write them for me, but if you get something out of them, that is awesome. Enjoy.

Every blogger who lives in this area has written about the Konza. This morning I woke up and it was such a beautiful, sunny, coolish morning, I decided to hike the Konza alone for the second time ever. I have hiked the trail with Scott and the kids and others many times, but only twice now alone. I like it. When I walk it with Scott, I mostly listen. We often walk in silence. Sometimes I stay present and try to listen and feel, the birds, the trees rustling, the breeze, the gurgling creek, the tree frogs or locusts or whatever makes that racket up in the trees. Other times I go places in my mind, reflect, daydream, or let my busy mind work shit out. Not too long ago I hiked it with a friend and I babbled the whole time. Must have needed to.

Today I stayed present on the hike for the most part. There was a lovely breeze when I started and then my skin became clammy and sweat ran down my back. I enjoyed the quiet and the view. Then my mind drifted off and I wrote these blog posts in my head. I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

We have neglected Scott’s 80 year old mama, Julie, living over there in her apartment in Topeka. Now we are making up for it.

Julie had a bad fall at Dillons over two years ago. She shattered her kneecap and shoulder socket. The rehab was hard and left her with a limp and afib. But it didn’t keep her down. She continued to live on her own and drive to the mall every day to walk over two miles.

Two weeks ago, she fell again in her kitchen while doing the dishes. She was unable to get up and called her sister. The ambulance took her to St Francis where she was x rayed, determined nothing was broken and sent home.

Shari stayed with Julie for two days and nights. She seemed fine other than saying her hips/bottom hurt. The third night, Shari slept at home. When she went back in the morning, she found Julie unresponsive in a pool of vomit. (This was NOT your fault, Shari, in any way, I know you think so). Julie was again taken by ambulance to the hospital where it was determined she had a massive brain bleed and was then air lifted to KU med center.

We spent two days and nights in the neuro ICU in the nice part of KU med. The room was amazing, the services to visitors stellar, and the nurses were so caring and helpful. They even braided Julie’s hair!

Julie had a breathing tube in and a catheter, Iv’s and a feeding tube but could squeeze both hands and move all her limbs and answer questions with a yes or no nod. It was determined that her lower sacrum had two tiny breaks. Scott and I stayed the first night overnight in the room.

After two days, Julie was moved to the surgical ICU in the older part of the hospital. The accommodations were much different, one bathroom all the way down the hall for all of the staff and visitors, no way to get ice or coffee on the floor, only a recliner to sleep in, and little privacy for Julie or the other patients, some only had curtains for walls. But the nurses were still very, very nice and helpful.

Julie has made very slow progress. She got the breathing tube removed which allowed her to talk but not swallow at first but eventually, she has regained the ability to swallow. She can sit up and stand with lots of assistance and can weight bear to transfer, again with lots of assistance. Her blood pressure has been all over the place and she remains in afib.

After 10 days, Julie is still confused. She can tell us what she needs and what hurts if she’s in pain. She knows her full name and birthday and most days recognizes Scott and Shari and I. She doesn’t know the year or where she is or what happened. She has moments of incredible clarity where she remembers who people are on facebook and asks really good questions. She says the sweetest, funniest things. She talks about going to church, Christmas, going to games. One day, Shari told Julie that Scott was on his way to come see her. She asked, “Why’s he gonna do that?” Shari told her, “To see you.” She said, “Hallelujah, I like that.” For a couple days she was sure it was June 1980 but she gives a different month and year every time she’s asked (for the first 4 days they asked her every hour on the hour and told her the right answers). When Shari played EArth Wind and Fire, Julie said they needed to go to Stormont Vail because they had a singles dance there. She told us that she was getting married that weekend. Once, they asked her who the president was and she said, “tell me who.” Shari told her “Donald Trump”. She said, “No seriously, who is the President” and then laughed and laughed when Shari told her. Once she told us she was waiting to get picked up for dinner. She told me that she put her shoes on one morning and drove to a game. She told Shari that she had 4 kids and their names were, “Scott, Diane, Hannah, Leah and Joel.” (My family). Then she said their names were “Julie, Peggy, Deanne and Jackie.” (She and her sisters). Yesterday she thought Shari was her mom and they were at the post office. One day she pushed on a stuffed animal to try turn the tv on.

But every day, she’s been pleasant, happy and funny. She tells the nurses thank you. She doesn’t complain unless something hurts bad. I only hope that if something like this ever happens to me, sweet, kind things come out of my mouth, too.

I have driven to KU med three times now and spent three nights in the recliner in ICU. Scott has been up twice and plans a third turn this weekend. Shari has taken the brunt of this and has spent most of the 10 days there by herself with Julie. Max (Shari’s son) and Peggy (Julie’s sister) have helped where they could. Others have visited. Its hard to be up there.

Today Julie started eating puréed fruit and yogurt. She was transferred to a regular room on the 5th floor. The doctors plan to drill holes in her skull and drain the blood out on Thursday. We are hopeful that this will work. Either way, Julie will transfer next to a rehab hospital and we are working on that being in Topeka.

We don’t know the future but we know that God is good and he holds Julie in His hands.

‘The kids all came home for a super quick, fun weekend to celebrate Hannah and Kent’s upcoming wedding with the Kansas folks. The turn out wasn’t what we expected but we were very happy for everyone who came and the weekend was fun and special. We love our kids so much.

Leah and Dave arrived first on Friday afternoon, with the boys and Moose. We played inside and outside and ordered pizza. Joel arrived in his rental car from the airport around 6:30. We ate even more pizza! It is fun to watch Joel interact with the boys. I went to bed, then Joel and Scott drove to Salina to pick up Hannah and Kent.

Emmet slept in my room on his little mattress on the floor. He crawled up into my bed and arms and we petted Rex together and got up to make coffee and cinnamon rolls. The others all got up and we had breakfast together then packed up and headed out to Lake Wabaunsee for the day!

Emmet loved the lake and Henry did ok too. We all played in the water a long time and then ate lunch up on the patio. I headed back early to begin getting ready for the party.

When will I figure out how much food is too much? We always get at least three times as much food as we need. But it was fun. While Scott and I sang our songs, Hannah and Kent came down to the patio and danced.

Shari and Emily came! I haven’t seen Emily in a very long time. Some of our Bible study friends came and Pam and Allie came. Other than that it was the grandparents and Dave!

It was a very special visit and time together. We are so happy for Hannah and Kent.

June 2, Scott and I will celebrate 35 years of marriage. That feels so strange to me. We are growing old together.

Scott and I met in a philosophy class at K-State. I was 21, Scott was 22. I thought he was older. I only dated older guys. He was already a fire fighter. I thought he was gorgeous. I remember glancing at his strong, hairy forearms as he sat next to me in class taking notes. And passing me notes. He borrowed my class notes when he was on shift at the FD and then got better grades on his papers.

I was dating someone else and had been for a year. It was serious but our relationship was beginning to unravel. Scott and I became friends. He walked me home from class and called to ask about class things but we ended up talking for hours. One night when I was upset with my boyfriend, Scott said he had his fire department friends over to his mom’s house for chili and did I want to come? I said yes. While over there, I overheard his mom talking to her friend who had asked her who I was. Julie answered, “That’s the girl Scott is in love with but she’s dating someone else.”. Oh-oh. I hadn’t had a clue. I asked Scott about it on the way home and he confirmed it. So we stopped being friends for awhile.

I broke up with the guy shortly after and went to Mexico for 6 weeks with my Mom on student exchange. All I could think about was Scott. When I got back to town, I searched all over for him and found him bartending at a club in Aggieville. I made my interest known and he said he was dating someone else!

Scott broke up with that girl shortly after and found me again. I was back in party/fun mode so he had to pursue me again. This time I let him catch me.

Scott and I had so much in common right from the start. We had similar family histories. We had both had really bad experiences with prior relationships. And we had both accepted Christ and had no real idea what that meant for us. We were both heavy partiers in high school and continued to drink while dating and for awhile in our early marriage. But we started dating and fell in love hard. He was (and still is) such a great kisser! We were engaged by December and married by June, on my 22nd birthday.

Scott and I were basically babies when we married and we grew up together. We graduated college and he helped me get my Master’s degree. We started attending church and grew in our faith. We stopped drinking. We went through hard times, losing several pregnancies. We adjusted to his schedule, 24 hour shifts, three days on and off followed by 4 days off. We were both pretty independent and so it worked. I took him meals at the fire department and went on ice cream runs for the guys but when I was mad at him, I would take him a can of ravioli and he caught a lot of shit from the other guys. We moved 5 times the first 5 years, starting with a tiny two room apartment and then duplexes and other rentals.

Then we bought a beautiful house that we still live in and were blessed with the birth of our kids, filling up the house and making it a home.

We had such a great time raising the kids. We parented well together. We love our extended family, our in laws, our siblings, etc. We were both blessed with awesome careers that we loved. We divided up the chores and supported one another. We grew in our faith, went on missions trips, attended church faithfully.

Scott is an amazing man. He has taken such great care of us over the years, working hard, sacrificing, leading, managing our finances, putting up with me. Trust me, it takes a very strong, confident (and patient) man to handle me.

Yes, there were hard times, ups and downs. One particular time when the kids were older and we were so so so busy, we had grown apart and let a number of issues build up to a dangerous level in our marriage. God woke me up one night and I made a list. I took Scott the list and he categorically disagreed with every one of them. I explained that I wanted our marriage but these things needed to change. He took that list and one by one, made all the changes. I have so much respect and appreciation for him because of this.

Scott and I are best friends. We are completely transparent, accepting and trusting of one another. We both know without one doubt that the other has our backs and that the other is 100% committed and faithful. We have so much fun together, singing in the car, singing on the worship team, going for walks and hikes, playing catch in the back yard, grand-parenting, watching Netflix.

We balance one another in the areas where we differ (spender/saver, early/late, tasks oriented/procrastinator, risk taker/thinker, impulsive/responsible, emotional/rational…) We have come to appreciate our differences and use them to make each other and life better.

I won’t go into the personal things that also make our relationship super fun and special, because this is a public blog, so you’re just gonna have to wonder. But yeah, that’s pretty amazing too. The attraction has never ever waned.

I am so thankful for my husband and for every moment of our 35 years. Here’s to many many more!

Sometimes it becomes necessary to just get completely away from everyone and everything. I am doing that yesterday and today. A time to regroup, to heal, to pray, to figure out how to move forward.

The last few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. Not being able to talk about it, hard also, as everyone knows I am an open book, a public processor. Guess that is one thing I have learned through this. Trust must be earned, not given. Going through a difficulty in life shows me who loves me and values me as I am.

I am and have always been a person open to learning and making personal changes in who I am. I guess some lessons we learn the easy way, through the support of friends, and some lessons we learn the hard way.

It is so hard to find the balance, of trusting and being open versus who not to be vulnerable with and not trust. How to love without letting people hurt you. Then when they do, how to forgive. I think Jesus had it right when he said to be as shrewd as a snake and gentle as a dove. He also said, forgive them, they know not what they do. I’m working on it.

I am in a grieving process. Grief is never easy. I have a lot more grieving ahead in the next few years, with my Mom and Dad and precious puppy growing older by the day. I’ve had a lot of loss in my life. Babies, clients, family members, leaving schools, careers, friends and loved ones who leave. But this one, with no warning and no choice, has been particularly hard.

I never really took a semi retirement as I had planned. Guess I need to. Guess I’m going to. So I go back and look at the retirement goals I set when I first retired that I’ve lost track of. To prioritize rest and balance. To be there for people in a deeper, more meaningful way. To be fully present in each moment and follow Him in the next.

I’m following, Lord. Where ya going?