dianegclark

Long long long before I became a writer, I have been a reader. I have probably read a novel a week my entire adult life. I used to keep track of them on my own including ratings until I found Goodreads and rated them there. I have gotten recommendations of what to read front he library, Oprah’s list, friends, Goodreads, and Pinterest.

I just scrolled through my Goodreads list and here are the highlights: For more info, check out my Goodreads list.

What’s makes me like a book? I like books if they move along quickly and if I like the characters. I like hardship stories, crime mysteries, books about small towns. I almost always finish a book unless I truly hate it.

Where the Heart Is, Billie Letts, an all time favorite

Gillian Flynn, Author, don’t care for the characters but the stories hook me.

Nicholas Evans is ok but I generally don’t read romance. Rated these well.

I liked the Jennifer Chiaverini quilt books.

Ted Dekker is ok.

My all time favorite author and series is the Death In series by JD Robb. Crime mysteries set in the 2060’s and I love the characters.

Used to like Maeve Binchy.

Jan Karon Mitford series. Loved these.

Generally like John Grisham.

Teri Blackstock is ok.

Venita Hampton Wright. Like her.

Like Jane Smiley.

Barbara Kingsolver. Like her.

Like Jane Hamilton.

A Tree Grows In Brooklyn is an all time long time favorite.

Liked the young adult series by Ann Brashires.

Like Sandra Dallas a lot.

An all time favorite is Wally Lamb, She’s Come Undone and I Know This Much Is True

Like Elizabeth Berg

Nancy Picard

Read and enjoyed Larry McMurtry

YA Sharon Creech Walk Two Moons

K L Goins, Fat Kid Rules the World, a great great book.

Adriana Trigiani

Watership Down, a favorite classic.

Liked Harry Potter series.

The Fred series by Brad Wittingham

Jodi Piccoult is generally pretty good.

Like Billie Letts

Nancy Rue had a fun series

John Green YA books.

Fannie Flagg

Chris Crutcher.

House of Sand and Fog, classic, liked it

Alice Siebold

Brad Whittington, Fred series

The Time Traveler’s Wife, great

The Shack

The Hunger Games

Frank McCourt, Angela’s Ashes

The Art of Racing in the Rain, really good

Khalid Hosseini

Classic: To Kill A Mockingbird

Stephanie Meyer

Water for Elephants. Really liked this one.

Anne of Green Gables series

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night

Carolyn Wall

YAF Matthew Quick

The Rock Chick Series

The Rent Collector, read this!

Jeannette Walls

So enjoy this list. I gave you enough to read forever.

What are your favorites?

I’ve been criticized for my openness on my blogs. I’ve debated hard with myself about writing this post. Future and past clients can find the post. I have used much more self disclosure with clients in the past than I will now. But if they read this, I’m ok with it. I believe that my genuineness and vulnerability are what helps build trust. It does with the Homestead girls. I am in more of a mentor, less of a therapist role with them so I can share. Share that I’ve been there, the struggle is real. And when I give them strategies to break free, we are learning together. So no, I won’t tell clients that I’ve had mental health issues. I get that we can’t share in session about our personal struggles. Sessions are about them and for them. But I will be able to attune with clients on a whole other level.

How can we preach about breaking the stigma of mental health if we hide behind masks? Therapists are human. I have a lot of therapist friends. Let me tell you, they have struggles, even with mental health. And because of the masks and the role we put therapists in, they often have no one to go to. Pretending is exhausting. That’s why I hope to reach these folks in my practice—therapists, teachers, first responders, Pastors, helpers, those who have to be strong for others.

I get it.

I had a hysterectomy in my 40’s. Though I kept my ovaries, I always thereafter had a feeling of being “keyed up.” It wasn’t until my late 40’s when I began taking replacement hormones that I understood what it was like to not feel that way. Then they changed my hormones to another kind that didn’t work as well.

The first time I remember clearly feeling anxiety was just before a very intense work out class. I was in the bathroom and I felt sort of dizzy, weak, jittery. I thought my blood sugar was dropping like will happen sometimes during a hard work out if you haven’t eaten enough. When it happened just before the next class, I figured out it was anxiety.

My first panic attack happened while my son was applying for college. I was driving down the street ruminating about the stressful situation when I got short of breath. My heart rate soared. Thank goodness I knew what it was and what to do to calm down, breathing, thought replacement, self talk….

Fast forward to two years ago when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was during a very stressful year of school social work. I handled the diagnosis but they advised me to stop taking my hormones immediately. This threw me into menopause and high anxiety. I had panic attacks about things I had easily handled before, like singing on the stage or doing anything new to me. I began having symptoms of IBS. I beefed up the self care, prayer time and began meditating daily.

I went through the cancer treatments and made the decision to retire from school social work. After treatment, the oncologist put me on tamoxifen which is a low grade chemotherapy designed to block the remaining estrogen in your body. Apparently I needed the remaining estrogen. I began experiencing intense anxiety with no rhyme or reason. I remember one day after work sitting in the livingroom eating chips, watching Ellen, waiting to go to the gym for my favorite class when waves of anxiety began pouring over me, over and over. I knew how to relax into them similar to how you do with ocean waves.

I went to my primary care doctor and he put me on an anti anxiety medication. It was horrible. I felt completely flat, not myself at all. People at work who hadn’t noticed the anxiety noticed how flat I was and asked if I was ok. I got the ok from my oncologist to stop taking the tamoxifen. The anxiety lessened but remained.

I remember another bad panic attack. Scott and I were in a car wreck with him driving in the rain several years ago. Since then, I get super tense riding with anyone in the rain. I can drive but it is hard. So this time, we were driving down the mountain in Colorado after a stressful family event. I was driving and Scott, Hannah and her friend were in the car. I was driving slowly and there was a long line of cars behind me, the one in the lead riding my bumper. I was gripping the steering wheel feeling the panic rise in me. Scott offered to drive so I pulled over and let him but this increased my anxiety rather than helping it. I completely blanked out on any strategies to help, including prayer. I grabbed my daughter’s hand, closed my eyes and somehow managed to get down the mountain. I remember this every time clients tell me they didn’t use the strategies we have discussed.

I continued to manage the anxiety and the IBS with self care, meditation, prayer, exercise, breathing, gratitude and everything I knew to do. Then we experienced a number of losses, one right after the other. Really hard situations like none I’d ever gone through. I experienced some intense relationship issues. This increased my anxiety and threw me into the deepest depression I had ever experienced. Years ago I went through a short depression and after two sessions of pastoral counseling and 4 months of medication, I popped out of it.

This depression became debilitating. I was struggling with guilt and shame. I know there was also a spiritual aspect to it. I continued my self care and started individual therapy. I went to the primary doctor and started on an anti depression medication that was supposed to help with the anxiety. I was not able to sleep at all, my mind spinning, nothing working. I lost the ability to meditate. The doctor changed me to another depression medication and a sleep medication (an antihistamine) that also helps with anxiety.

The depression kept me from being able to leave the house but also unable to be alone. I cried all of the time. I felt so much shame for being a therapist and not being able to help myself. I went to therapy twice a week. She helped me uncover events from my childhood, unresolved issues, and diagnosed me with PTSD. I had flashbacks and felt depersonalized, like everything was surreal. My confidence went completely out the window. I was a total wreck.

Through therapy, spiritual warfare prayer, medication, the support of my amazing husband, the support of so many friends, and all the self care I could possibly do, over the next few months I pulled out of the depression. Recently through the words of a friend and God, I was able to release the shame. I still have some anxious moments and some “down” days but overall I feel so so much better.

Therapy is a difficult process, I think harder when one IS a therapist. I worked my ass off between sessions. When she gave me insights I was upset that I hadn’t thought of that myself. Now Scott and I are in couples therapy. We are both still working on our childhood issues and how those issues affect each other. I am learning a lot. It is very real being on this side of it. But it is incredibly helpful. I believe we will experience a whole new level of freedom, peace and intimacy through this process.

As the date to open my own practice gets closer, I wrestle with again taking on that role that seeks to balance giving the clients the confidence that you are strong enough to help hold their emotions and the hope that they can feel better, while also letting them know you get it. I will be able to attune to clients more deeply now. Am I strong enough, healed enough, ready? I think so. And now when I tell someone I get it, they will see it in my eyes without me having to self disclose, yes, I truly get it.

I am feeling better. Peaceful. Free. Not all the way well but getting there. My story has become my testimony.

Got to see my buddy Heather today and her precious daughter Taylor. I babysat Taylor once a week for about six weeks. She is now five and a half months old. She wasn’t so sure about me. I only got one smile out of her but I did get some sweet snuggles.

It was such a nice day today, Heather and I loaded miss Taylor up in the stroller and walked to aggieville for lunch at Taco Lucia. Me, the adventurous eater that I am, had chips and white queso. Heather ate three different fancy tacos. Taylor actually napped in her stroller.

A lovely walk home and no upset peeps out of our girl. Taylor is beautiful like her mama. Heather is very special to me. I enjoyed our lunch date tremendously.

Our son Joel lives in Hollywood and dates Molly whom we love. Molly is an actor. She’s been in many movies including Widows. with Viola Davis, Colin Farrell, and Robert Duvall. She was amazing!

Molly is currently filming a movie in Canada. I love hearing about it.

Recently, Molly had a guest appearance on one of the shows I watch, The Resident. She played an anxious high school student with mysterious symptoms. It was so much fun to watch her.

I can’t wait to see more of Molly’s work!

I drove to Newton today to see the g babies. I love them so much. The feel of Henry’s little body when he climbs up in my lap. The sound of Emmet’s sweet voice and the stories he tells. He climbed a tree today in the back yard with a little help from grandma. Henry and i played what was basically fetch with a rubber ball for over an hour. Was able to give Leah a little break and a nap. And helped around the house a little. She is starting to show now at about 16 weeks.

Bonus, face timed with Hannah and talked to Joel! And checked in on Kent after his scary fall.

I started kickboxing at my gym quite awhile ago and loved it. Recently, I joined 9 Rounds. What a great work out! I love kicking and punching and the personal attention and positive atmosphere. It is high intensity and high energy. Just the way I like it.

Today I went with Kelly. Adam was the trainer. Melissa, one of the owners came to work out. I got a great workout!

Every work out is different but always challenging and always fun. I wish it was less expensive so everyone could join. But it’s worth it.

That peaked your interest.

Dave and Mel Airbnb their home often. They have an apartment to stay in for free but when it isn’t available, they stay with us. Who knew that adults could enjoy sleepovers as much as kids?

They came over on Friday afternoon. We made and ate tacos and sat around and talked.

Saturday morning, Dave and Mel were already up when I wandered out early to let Rex out. Then we when both got up, we had coffee together and visited with Kayla and Lonnin too, me still in my pj’s and robe. Then Jon joined in and we sat on the deck in the sun before he and Scott went to the game.

While everyone ran around town at the game, library book sales and home show, I had a quiet lunch out on the deck. Then I napped out on the deck in the sun and read.

More sitting around visiting on the deck in the beautiful weather, a walk, then Mel and I went to the grocery store. While Scott and Dave ran to get more propane, Mel and I sat around and read.

Then we made and ate a delicious meal. Food tastes better when eaten with friends.

After dinner we ate dessert, blueberry slump, then laid around the couches and watched Peanut Butter Falcon, one of my all time favorite movies. If you haven’t watched it, you need to. Its about an adult young man with Down Syndrome who meets up with a down and out guy and they make friends.

Got up this morning and made blueberry muffins. We got ready and went to church at Rock Hills together.

Adult sleepovers are fun!

I’ve been a friend and advocate for sweet Adelle for about ten years now. Adelle is 24 and has autism. Adelle works at Burger King, participates in Special Olympics and parks and rec special pops activities. She attends church and Bible study weekly and goes to Genesis gym twice a week. She rides the Ata bus all over town.

Adelle has tons of friends. She’s active on social media and texts and calls friends to socialize. Everyone who meets Adelle loves her smile and positive attitude.

Yesterday i went with Adelle and her Mom for her yearly check in meeting at Big Lakes. Adelle has been on the wait list for an HCBS waiver for seven years. When we put her on the list, we were told the wait would be seven years. Now the wait in Kansas is eleven years. So she receives next to no services while she waits. I was the one who taught her to ride the bus, open a Facebook account, buy and use a cell phone. I encouraged her to get involved with special olympics and special pops. I was the one who helped her get on the wait list for services. I first took her to church.

Years ago i taught Adelle to cook eggs. Besides warming up hot dogs, it’s still the only thing she knows how to cook. Adelle is capable of so much more. I know it would be a challenge to live with Adelle. Hard to be there when she has a tantrum because her schedule changes.

When the eleven year wait is over, Adelle will be evaluated for independent living. They will determine how much support she needs and then she can move out and into some sort of supported living. They will work with her and teach her new skills.

Till then she’s on hold. Five more years. C’mon, Kansas. We can do better than this.

It hit me slowly. Like the time I was at the Orthopedic doctor for an issue with my knee and we were discussing options. The Dr. said, “If it were my mom…” then he left the room for something. I was appalled until I did the math and realized, “Oh my G, I’m old enough to be the mom of an Orthopedic doctor.”

The next time it hit me, I was watching Scott coach his college soccer team. All these young couples kept going by. They were obviously older than college kids and I wondered what they were doing there. Until it hit me, “Those are the parents!”

Right after I retired from school social work, I was heading out highway 24 on my way to St. George. It was about 5:30 or 6:00 and the sun was shining. I was singing and toodling along and all these cars were whizzing by me and it hit me, “OMG, I’m one of those retired people that irritate me so badly!”

The AARP cards have been coming in the mail for years.

I faxed myself by accident once at my last job.

I can’t keep up with the twenty year olds at the gym anymore. Though I still try. It irritates me when the trainers at 9 rounds treat me gently. I’ll kick their A**.

I will continue to fight it. When I get there (soonish), I plan to stay at 59 for a long time. Maybe til 70.

I don’t mind at all being called Grandma. But I am not ready to get old.

Today is the day we celebrate the birth of my brother, Dave. I have lots of Dave’s in my life, but my brother was the first. I have always looked up to him, he being three years older.

Dave and I grew up in a family that loved the best they could but had issues, issues that we are realizing as adults affected us. But I can remember so many good times, too. Laughter amidst the struggles. Dave and I turning on the wipers, blinkers and radio on blast while waiting in the car for mom to run in the grocery store so that when she came out and started the car, she’d be shocked. Mom asking while driving, “Is anything coming?” And Dave saying no, then adding the sound of a Mack truck coming, “Nothing but that Mack truck!” Dave trying to teach me to ride a bike down the gravel driveway (didn’t turn out so well) or talking me into taking a turn on a tire swing in the woods behind our house. Dave and his friends setting up a “seyonce” and with some trap to try to scare me. Watching Gilligan’s Island after school and The Partridge Family and Laugh In on Friday nights. Geez! I remember Dave accidentally lighting the couch on fire with a lighter and lighter fluid! Playing with our gerbils, American Woman and Tiny Tim together. Or just throwing a super ball up against the fireplace over and over.

Dave has always had an influence on me. These influences haven’t always been positive but they made me who I am and I don’t regret any of them. Like teaching me to smoke pot in high school. In college writing me tons and tons of letters urging me to accept Christ as my Savior so I wouldn’t go to hell. But then seeing the peace in him, I did. We went on a journey to find out who Christ is, from legalism and hypocrisy to freedom. He wasn’t always in the lead, but we walked parallel walks.

My brother isn’t perfect. But he is genuine and loving and trustworthy. He thinks he knows everything but guess what, he’s pretty dang wise.

I watched Dave go through tremendous difficulty with courage and vulnerability and openness. He taught me to face myself, my fears, my past, to challenge my faith and my thinking. He is teaching me how to forgive, how to love my family unconditionally. He taught me to become my true self and to love and accept myself.

Dave picked on me when we were little, as any older brother should. I could easily get him in trouble, though, and did often, whether or not he did anything to me. My favorite birthday card from Dave, he gave me on a trip to Arizona for one of Dad’s heart surgeries. It said on the front, “Remember all those times I picked on you when we were younger? I want you to know…”. Then on the inside, “….I plan to continue.”

Dave is very busy working full time, taking care of his father in law, building a barn home, keeping up with his four kids and tons of grandkids, so we don’t get to spend tons of time together. But he sends me texts full of love and encouragement. And when I need him, he’s right there.

I love you, bro, Happy Birthday.