dianegclark

Scott and I woke up at 4 and were on the road to Newton by 4:30. Yikes.

When we arrived, Scott stayed asleep in the car while I went in and greeted a very pregnant mom, my daughter, Leah. Emmet woke up just before they left.

Emmet and I played play dough first off. His idea. We made shapes and counted them. While we were working, Emmet said, “I made this square for you because I love you.” He said “I’m sad that Mom isn’t here but I’m glad you are here.”

Emmet and I went out to the car and woke up Papa and Emmet brought him in the house. Scott’s back is out and he is exhausted from a very stressful week at work and with the coffee shop. Not sure how much help he will be today but he’s in charge when I hit my wall. Emmet “checked on” Papa about every 10 minutes as he lay on the bed.

Henry woke up and did ok with me getting him up. He usually snuggles Mom for a bit, but not Grandma. We made breakfast and Henry asked about Mom at breakfast. He seemed fine with the answer. Henry speaks in full sentences of which I can understand about 80%.

After breakfast, the boys played with our suitcases. This was supposed to provide several hours of fun. However, Henry unzipped mine and found the bag of colorful ping pong balls. They next several hours were filled with, “Grandma, come play me.”

“Play that green one, Grandma. I want you come play me. Come get that blue ball. Emmet made a crash.”

Emmet said, “Grandma, come in here, I won.”

On to hour two…I’m not kidding!

Leah left a little note, it revealed a surprise hidden in the blanket basket: new toys from Cars! The boys were so excited! It lasted about 2 minutes then Henry decided he wanted the one Henry had. Fortunately, Emmet was ready to work the trade.

Leah is the perfect Mom. Her house was clean, fridge stocked, instructions written, and notes and surprises left.

Hour three. Found our rubber boots and went outside. We played with the new cars in the dirt and then had an argument over the cars. The countdown to trade didn’t work. I suggested a distraction, the liquidator water guns. Of course, both want to play with those. So we shot those off a few times then Emmet made mud. We played with the cars in the mud and washed them off back and forth.

Back inside, checked on Papa, now we want more surprises. Two hours in and we are out of surprises and Grandma is getting tired.

Grandma laid on the couch and the boys threw ping pong balls to (at?) Grandma and alternately shot them into Sister’s bouncy seat. This occupied about an hour then we got hangry. Applesauce snack and TV saved the day. Papa is getting his rest. Little does he know, lunch and naptime and he is ON! There is a small chance Emmet will take a nap. He does quiet time in any case.

Next came lunch. Too early. The boys barely ate. Then naps. Had a hard time getting Henry down, lots of negotiating attempts and tears but he finally slept and so did Grandma. Papa entertained Emmet quietly.

After nap we had a short snack then Emmet wanted to go out front and play kick the red ball over the house. It was a game that we played with Emmet when he was younger. It involves one grown up out front and one out back. The kids started out front with me then took turns in back with Scott. We basically kick the ball high until it goes over the house. Back and forth. Lots of cheering.

Eventually, someone had the idea to get out the baby pool. So we spent about 45 minutes playing in the pool and swinging on the tree swing.

Just before we went out, we got a text that baby Eleanor Faye was here. The boys were fairly oblivious. Apparently she was nursing quite a bit so it was a long time before we heard more.

Inside play. Cars and trains and towers with the rainbow block.

Leah FaceTimed and the boys got to meet Eleanor over video. They were both glued to the screen, fascinated. Emmet put his sweet hands on his face and said, “That’s my sister!” Henry said, “Cici!” And “that’s a baby”.

Allowed a little snack (carb) and the boys played happily with the ping pong balls, throwing them at me, etc. We went back outside and Emmet swung with Scott pushing him and Henry threw the ball up onto the car over and over so it would roll back down to him. While he did that, Leah texted the cutest picture of the baby and Henry looked at her and said, “OOO, Wow, so tiny!”

Leah texted and said that Teri and Greg were coming over to bring the boys dinner and we could go meet Eleanor through the window. So we took turns showering and then hopped in the car. We met our little sweet punk in’ through the window. Leah and Dave seemed so happy. She was so cute! I am excited to hold her hopefully tomorrow!

Scott got work texts and it is obvious he is going to have to go home and work tomorrow. Also, his back is out and he is way too stressed out to be here, so he went home after we got the kids in bed.

Periodically through the day, Emmet would announce, “Grandma, I’m so happy you’re here with me.”

We gave them a bath and got them dressed and read to them and tucked them in, Scott tucked Emmet in and I dealt with all Henry’s attempts to not go to sleep. Once he realized I want business and that Mom wasn’t going to magically appear (he said “I need Mom” several times), we were able to get him to go to sleep without much fuss. Way easier than naptime.

So day 2 is me solo.

I rode with the girls again today at Broken Wings Ranch. I hadn’t been in awhile. I have started taking anxiety meds after Dave passed and I was like a buspar commercial up on that horse today, super calm.

I rode Buck Eye again today. Karen said I have to master him before I can ride another. He never ever seems happy to see me. I swear he rolls his eyes and turns his head. Truly, I don’t think he likes taking riders at all. He had a hard time today. He had shoes on the front but not the back. He HATED the water. I had to MAKE him go in the creek. And he went as slow as he could get away with. Except when he took off trotting a couple of times. He likes to see what he can get away with. I would have let him trot longer but it truly hurt. My muscles are out of shape and it hurt today, my hips and legs. My feet even got numb. When they helped me down, I said, “Wow! It feels like I just rode a horse for two hours! Oh! I did!”

At one point while going through tall grass prairie, the girls one by one made their horses go in a tight circle. Buck Eye decided he needed to do that, too. He turned his head and kept it there til I pulled the reins then he went in a tight circle, too. Monkey see, Monkey too. Then he was ok to go on. I got a kick out of it.

Overall I felt peaceful and calm up there. There was no panic, no anxiety, only a couple of gasps when he trotted. He didn’t like the horse and pony following us today.

I took some video footage which I think will be perfect for the music video for Old Dirt Road.

It had been way too long since I’d seen them.

I arrived in Newton yesterday morning. Henry saw me first as I peeked in the screen door. His smile is so precious, his giggle. They both ran to me and greeted me. Henry usually hands something for me to see, like a car. Emmet asks me to play. Right away. “Let’s play, Grandma.” If I had a quarter for every time one of them said that these last two days, I’d be rich. I am rich. In love.

Shortly after I arrived, Leah brought out a long, hard cardboard tube. The boys set it up against the coffee table and started shooting cars through it. They did this tirelessly for hours on end. Later, they started peeking at each other through the tube and eventually talked through it. I even had them doing mountain calls through it like on the Riccola ad.

I also brought toys from Grandma’s house to play with, a light up guitar and a flat roll out keyboard. This prompted hours of “dance party” games, sometimes with the lights out and the third person on the play drums in the bedroom. There were lots of arguments about the guitar and lots of practice turn taking involving much adult intervention and lots of tears. They both did a great job, though.

We swung on the swing in the front yard and went for a walk in the stroller this morning, spotting butterflies, a grasshopper and a cardinal. We had a picnic with Happy Meals for dinner last night on the front lawn that Emmet didn’t make it through because of the bugs. Henry and I watched an ant carry off a sesame seed.

The boys are very different from one another. Henry is rough and tumble. Hugs and cuddles have to be his idea and earned. He uses lots of phrases and has a ready smile. Henry voraciously eats anything put in front of him with comments like “that’s so good!” Or “more.” Henry is 2 and three months old.

Emmet is a hugger and snuggles. He says the sweetest things unprompted, like, “I love you, Grandma”, or “I’m glad you came” or “I’m going to miss you.” Emmet narrates events in streams of commentary. Emmet eats very little and is super picky about textures and tastes. He is cautious and has strong likes and dislikes, like bugs, currently. Emmet is four and 4 months old.

The boys can be sweet to each other, helping each other up, checking on each other, even kissing boo boos. Or they can throw toys or knock each other over or grab toys and scream for their turn. Normal sibling stuff but intensified by being quarantined in the house together for so many months.

Bath time and after were a wild ride last night, as Leah and Dave grabbed some dinner alone away from the house. Water was everywhere in the bathroom and then they are supposed to quiet down after baths but they ran around the livingroom in circles naked and screaming and giggling. I literally had to catch them and wrestle to get their pull ups and pj’s on. But I could always count on TV to get them calm. They are into Daniel Tiger right now, a cartoon version spin off of Mister Rogers starring Daniel the tiger who teachers life lessons.

I love my babies and cherish our visits even though they exhaust me.

Joel’s company created a game that is exploding called Blaseball. It was supposed to just be a side thing, while they were waiting for their next big game idea and funding. Joel came up with the idea during the covid quarantine before the baseball season started up. It’s an absurd baseball game sort of like fantasy baseball but silly. There are silly and fun team names like the Kansas City Breath Mints (Joel said they are sweet, friendly and love spreadsheets), and The Chicago Fire Fighters. The silly slogan for that team is “We are from Chicago” cause people from Chicago say that a lot.

The game has gone nuts. Articles and great reviews keep coming out. One top gaming website, Polygon.com, called it “The best game of 2020”. Joel said they can’t even keep up! Every time an article or review comes out, people flood to the site and the servers crash. Joel is working extra hours as are the other guys in The Game Band, his company, and they can’t even find time to hire more engineers to help. Actually, I just tried to go on to try it out and get some pics and it said they are taking a short break to fix it and rest.

Joel said there have been interesting bugs in the game like the one where the game wouldn’t end. But that adds to the charm. Apparently Joel randomly sits in his apartment and changes the price for the peanuts in the game. One day he made them “zero peanuts for free” and the current price is super high. He and his Dad laughed about it because peanuts serve absolutely no function or benefit in the game but they are selling like wildfire! There is a thing called shame where the other team has to finish the game even if they’ve been mathematically eliminated. Fans in the stadium yell “shame” over and over. I imagine it is something like a 10 run rule in soccer only that ends the game.

Joel is amazed by the response. It is getting a cult like following. The Seattle team name is Seattle Garages and someone started a band with the same name. USgamer.net described the game “where umpires go rogue and incinerate players.”

Check out all the articles by googling Blaseball or look it up on Twitter. It’s quite the sensation!

Here we are down the road with covid 19 and reality is hitting. I’ve been listening to a lot of Brene Brown lately. She has this way of naming what we are going through. As a therapist, I am well aware that we need to name it in order to heal. And we have to allow ourselves to feel it to heal it. She does a podcast on what she calls FFTs. Fucking first times. How hard that is for everyone. That is part of what we are going through with covid. No one knows how to do this. No one knows how to talk about it. Then she does several podcasts on grief. How much loss there is in this. She said we need to name the loss of the old normal, all that we have lost and then try to create a new normal.

I have not done this for myself personally. I’ve tried but honestly, it’s starting to get me down. Maybe it’s another stage of grief. Maybe it’s that we are now down the road and we realize that this isn’t going away anytime soon. She used some analogies that resonated with me to explain that we were in crisis mode. We had a certain amount of energy from adrenaline to get through the crisis part. Now that we are down the road, our energy has dropped. This is hitting us. We may not return to normal soon. Maybe never.

My old normal. I’m naming it. Feeling it.

Here are my first attempts. What are yours?

Seeing the boys every other week or whenever I wanted to without restrictions. I miss them terribly. Their laughter, playfulness, hugs, cuddles, their little voices and little bodies climbing all over me, the things they say. Just being Grandma. When I’m with them, all else fades away. I enter their tiny worlds of play and food and joy. I need and miss this.

What I need: I need to establish some reasonable ground rules that balance mental health needs and safety. All of our mental health issues are suffering. Scott has the latest and best knowledge about safety with covid. I need to decide what is safe for me, based on facts and not fear, balancing safety and my own mental health and other’s needs to feel safe.

For covid safety I need: to go to the gym at less crowded times wearing a mask, to meet with friends outside or six feet apart and masked. Pools, restaurants, small gyms, large groups, these are out. My new mask will come and I will wear it. I am currently wearing my N95 mask under my Vera Bradley mask. N95 masks DO help the wearer be safer, along with others.

Working out. I miss going to the gym, Working out with other people, in classes, with friends, in community. This is super important for my mental health. I miss the routine of it. The predictability, I went a certain time, saw the same people, smiled and greeted them, was validated and known by them, known by the instructors. Then the work out itself. I felt strong, capable, bad ass. I miss step class at which I was very skilled. I miss lifting weights. I miss kickboxing, punching, kicking. I miss feeling strong and capable. The workout itself, sweating, getting my heart rate way up, pushing myself. Workouts are mindful, all else slips away and you become focussed on only your body and what it is doing. Then there is mirroring that occurs, as you do similar motions with those near you. My brain, body, emotions, all miss working out. I miss the community of it also, the belonging. I started to transition to 9 rounds but I can’t go there anymore. It’s just too small, too many people breathing hard in too close of quarters.

What I need: I need to go to the gym three mornings a week and lift weights wearing my mask. I need to do cardio, step class Thursday evening position myself near the door. I need to walk twice per week. Do Yoga two to three times per week. Make a schedule and stick to it.

Friends. I miss my friends. I had a regular group of people I got together with. We met for lunches, workouts. We talked and laughed and shared. We supported each other, listened to each other, saw and heard and knew each other. We connected, around their struggles or mine or shared struggles. Then we stopped. We tried video chatting. It was helpful but we missed the hugs, the brain healing eye to eye contact, the routine, the community of being together in public, seeing others, talking about who we saw, oh, I know her, how do you know her?…. Even putting on nicer clothes and makeup to meet. Video chat helped me continue with some relationships, but some were lost, then more started. I think that i started to develop a new normal a couple of times, first on video chat, then having people over here, then back to video chat, people were off work then back at work. I can’t get my feet under me socially. I miss getting together with people in person, going out to eat or for coffee, and having groups of people here, going to others’ homes, having family here. I grieve for this normal. It’s even hard to name.

What I need: Have two days per week that are my social days and set up with someone each of those times. A routine to socialize that I can count on. All else will be icing on the cake.

Routine. I miss it a lot. I went to work, I took a nap, I had a snack and watched Ellen, I went to the gym, I came home, I fixed dinner, we ate it together , I watched maybe one show, then I went to bed and read. Friday nights we ate Chipotle and went to bed early. Saturday we cleaned and grocery shopped and went to rehearsal. Sunday we went to church then we napped. I went to see the boys every two weeks. I can’t get a new routine going that works for me. My clients are all over the place. I don’t work out at all. We try to establish a new routine, eat together, ping pong, watch tv.

What I need: A new schedule and routine. Decide when I will see clients and start making that happen instead of all over the place. Put socializing in. Put working out in. Schedule quiet time and reading time and writing time. Stick to it.

Five short weeks ago, a friend mentioned that Sparrow coffee was permanently closing due to covid. Just a comment made in passing. I woke up early, at 5:30, the following morning and thought, “we need to buy that coffee shop.”

I texted Dave who is always awake at that hour. I got an immediate response. He was pumped up, on fire, ready. He said he had experience running a coffee shop in the past. He was on it, making plans, dreaming, scheming. This is right up his alley, fellowship, connections, music, food, coffee, pouring into people, high energy.

Dave texted after Scott got up and said Scott gave him the go ahead to find out more. Dave got in touch with the current owners, a church, and they gave him some figures. Scott and I started talking. Scott did not feel peace about it. Dave and I felt it would happen, it was supposed to happen. Typically, Dave is the dreamer, the risk taker, and Scott is the planner, the realist. I am somewhere in between but leaning hard to the dreamer risk taker, more like jump in and then face reality later.

The next several weeks were full of Dave and Scott talking business and Dave and I dreaming. Scott started mixing in dreams too. We finally settled on a business partnership model we could agree on. Dave would manage it. Scott will oversee the business end. I will do the social media and work there some.

Over the next few weeks, Dave met with bad news about his financial part again and again. Not because he doesn’t have good credit, but because investors and lenders are really cautious right now due to covid. Scott was still having trouble trouble finding peace but also talking about dreams. He and Dave met and came up with the name and the vibe.

Once Dave got his 5th no, he texted with Scott and me and we put the idea to bed.

Two hours later I got a text from Calvin, our shared landlord, asking for Dave’s number. Shortly after, we got a text from Dave. Scott and Dave talked. The landlord was making a crazy low offer. The current owners were also making a crazy offer. Dave looked at his finances and savings and he and Scott crunched some more numbers and suddenly we were a go.

Scott had already done some deep analysis. Dave gathered tons of information about how the coffee shop was being run, the books, costs, etc. With a few tweaks to hours, number of employees, the way the ordering is done and adding outdoor seating, and it looked like we can make a profit. Covid is certainly a factor. But if we can stay afloat and break even until covid passes, we can make this work.

Now we are excited. Dave made a video announcement on facebook. The previous owners gave us a public blessing. We immediately began getting really great feedback.

Dave hit the ground running. Scott hit the computer running. Huge to do lists. The business end of things, the actual shop, the plans, the changes, the dreams.

We are planning to stay open more hours, until 10 each night. The coffee shop closed at 4 every day before. We will open Sundays, it was closed before. We ordered outdoor tables and chairs to offer more social distancing and healthier options for staying safe. We are working on online ordering and pick up. We are planning live music, outdoors to start with. We can do our music there. We can sell my book. We can have Chad make some cool leather products. We are ordering t shirt and masks for the employees and then to sell. We are taste testing coffee and pastries. Dave has cleaned the whole place and is interviewing and hiring. So far, all the applicants have been previous employees and they are excited to work there again.

The place itself is amazing. It is big. Tons of parking. Great location near KSU and MCC. It has a conference room with rolling walls. It already has all the equipment including dishes. It is wired with a great sound system. The decor is amazing. When we have been down there, people are stopping by to see what is going on.

We are very excited. I’m excited about having my therapy office so nearby. Covid go to you know where, we are doing this!

Grief sucks.

I was going to write more but that pretty much sums it up.

I have grieved many times in my life. I was sad when pets died when i was little. My maternal Grandma died when I was in elementary school. I loved her but mostly I remember my Mom’s tears.

We lost our family pet soon after my parent’s got divorce. My brother kicked the fridge. The divorce was a terrible time. It was complicated grief because I was also so very very relieved.

I lost my paternal Grandmother a few weeks before I got married. She had moved to California years before that so with the wedding busyness and not having seen her in years, I remember being sad but not so much grieving. I carried her hankerchief in the wedding then lost it. I had her ring for years and it was very special to me. I lost it, too. I don’t feel sad when I remember my Grandma “Nonnie” or my Grandad. I carry their love in my heart. (Sounds trite but I can feel it).

We lost my step sister to cancer a year after my Mom and Lee got married. That was sad, but mostly I was sad for Lee. I had only known her for a year. She was special to me but I don’t remember intense grief.

Three miscarriages occurred, one before I was married and two after. I remember incredible sadness for what would have been, rather than for what was. And I grieved with Scott.

We were sad when Lee died. And when Julie’s husband Larry died. Sad for Mom, sad for Julie. I did love Lee and I did grieve. The celebration of life was hard. I still miss him.

We lost family pets. Allie dog. Rex died in March. He had been sick so long and so close to death so many times before, I was prepared. I handled it much better than I thought, being sure I would fall apart. I do miss him. I look for him. I feel super sad when I look at videos.

Losing Julie was hard. Unfair. Too soon.

Other losses have also been super hard in my life. Jobs, friendships, close friends who have died.

And now my brother. I still don’t feel like it has hit me. My brain can’t quite grasp it. I talked to him every couple of weeks and saw him only every few months. But if I needed him, I could call.

The hardest part was telling my Dad. And my Mom. Not knowing how to grieve. My Mom and I talk about how we feel daily. And my sister in law. We all feel so heavy. Overwhelmed. It is different than how I thought it would be. More physical. It feels like a heavy blanket.

It is incredibly lonely. No one really knows what to say. Or whether to mention it. Some check on me. I don’t know what to say to them.

I just want to sleep. To shut out the world. I need to go be with family. Covid has completely complicated the grieving process. I could just sit with people who are also grieving. I don’t need cheering up. I just need someone to sit with me. To help hold this up. I need to cry but I can’t. I have, some, but I can’t. Even this sounds so depressing to me.

I haven’t written in awhile. Time for an update.

We are all reeling from the sudden death of my brother. It hasn’t completely sunken in. Covid has truly complicated the grief process. I am feeling closer to many family members and helplessly far away from others. I feel the weight of responsibility for my parents and my sweet sister in law. Much to do in the upcoming weeks. Much sadness.

My practice has opened in a temporary location. I am seeing about half my clients in person with many precautions and the others by telehealth. So I only go to the office here and there. It is serene in there and is a great temporary solution even though there is no internet and we have to use the restroom at suds ur duds. I am not filling up quickly but that’s perfectly fine. Summer is slower and I also haven’t done any marketing or promotion. I don’t really like being in practice alone. This isn’t how this was supposed to be. I am trusting that Life Coaching and Massage Therapy will pick up eventually and that we will go into the larger office at the right time. I would like to find another therapist to join me then. So many unknowns.

The book sales have slowed down. I have an event to talk about the book with “Sophie” in September (Kansas Association of School Social Workers) and I assume I will promote the book at the Homestead Salina chapter fundraiser in October. I am hoping to co promote the book with the song “She’s On Her Own” through a music video but that’s sort of on hold.

I am on hold indefinitely on the book sequel as the gal writing it with me was not as ready as we thought. That’s ok. The other gal wasn’t either. I completely understand as I’ve attempted to write a little of my own memoir. Its a difficult process! I am writing a book about covid but it’s mostly just for me.

The music is getting tons of views and good feedback on all outlets but the sales aren’t happening. The vinyl is being pressed. Obviously concerts are unknown. And Chad is super caught up in his business right now. We will press forward in making more videos and get them out there slowly.

The fam is good. I miss them. Hannah and Kent are staying in Lander while job and house hunting in Denver by long distance. Joel’s game won a design award. We will get to see Leah’s family next weekend. She is getting quite pregnant. I would go and help her more but she is still being very covid cautious and also managing her stress level. The boys have been pretty cute on FaceTime lately. Henry is talking so much. Emmet has actual conversations.

We have three gals at Homestead. I haven’t gone horseback riding or to the beach with them lately and missed group last week. We will have a bbq this weekend. They are calm, lovely people.

A final decision about purchasing the coffee shop will be made this week. It would be a slam dunk decision without the complication of covid. It could go either way and I am ok with that.

Scott is well. We are doing well. Growth, healing, learning continues. He recently went on a fishing trip with his buds. We have been playing ping pong and walking and trying to find new adventures.

I’m doing well personally. Lots of learning and healing and personal growth. I need more social connection than is possible right now but I try to go for walks and have people over for “distance coffee”. I think I’m finally getting a handle on this annoying skin rash. Erg. I’m learning to give myself lots of grace during this time of grieving. I will do a professional blog about all the resources I’m discovering lately.

We’ve had Hannah and Kent live here with us for six weeks, then Joel joined us for the last two weeks. Friday we were reunited with Leah and her family (our precious grand babies!) after about 10 weeks, I think.

We loved having Hannah and Kent here. Kent worked from home and Hannah studied and recouped from PT school during the day. I worked, relaxed, did my own thing all day. Scott worked from home then returned to work. Once Joel joined, he too worked from home here.

In the evenings we planned and made meals together, taking turns, and ate together, most nights out on the deck. The kids expanded our repertoire of meals since they all turned out to be adventurous eaters after being fed white mom meals all of their lives. They still appreciated the home cooked mom meals on my night. I did make a sun basket recipe, sweet and sour meatballs and blueberry basil salad that they really liked. Otherwise, I stuck to burgers, spaghetti, and chicken and rice. Hannah and Kent made curry chicken, sobe noodles with spicy peanut sauce, and they and Joel made tacos including homemade guacamole and homemade salsa. Yum. Of course, there were many Pizza Shuttle and Chipotle nights mixed in and also a couple of take out Tap House nights. Unfortunately, the kids are all heavy evening snackers, so we continued to gain weight throughout their time here after blizzard runs, ice cream, popcorn and chip eating during TV time.

We watched a ton of movies and Netflix together in the evenings, the fifth season of Queer Eye, the movie 13th, and more. We did do some work outs together, running stairs (Hannah and Joel and I )some hiking (Kent on his bike and me), and walks. That after our ping pong championship games. Scott, Kent, Joel, Hannah, mom was the order most nights although Hannah won every game one night.

The kids are project oriented people so while they were here, Hannah and Kent completely reorganized and cleaned out all of the kitchen cabinets and the basement, motivating us, motivating Scott, especially to throw and give away years and years of junk. So freeing! Then Joel helped them tackle the attic since a lot of it was their things. I rescued some baby clothes (mine and the kids) that Leah was thrilled with and read some high school and early marriage journals. I have kept journals for most of my life so it is fun to read through some.

After face timing exclusively (other than the distance birthday party) with Leah and the boys, we finally got to see them in person on Friday. I can’t quite express how incredible it was to see them. They were so excited when Hannah and I pulled up. Huge smiles and squeals of joy. They immediately wanted us to play and invited us to their room to build race tracks and play cars. When Hannah, Leah and Henry walked to Mojo’s to get our lunch, Emmet and I played soccer. He had on Joel’s soccer jersey that was way too big for him. While playing, he said, “This is fun, Grandma, you are fun, I like you!” Then he said, “Do you think you could play a little faster?”

Nap time I got to snuggle in Leah’s bed with Emmet. He didn’t sleep but snuggled and then played with my watch. He’s such a sweet, snuggly kid. There’s nothing like it.

After nap time, Dave joined us and we caravaned to Cottonwood Falls to Dave’s parents new second home. My goodness. It is amazing. I loved everything about it. It is huge, grand, remodeled except for the bathrooms which were still awesome, six bedrooms, a full partially finished basement, and huge attic space yet to be finished, a beautiful new eat in kitchen, dining room, living room, sun room, sitting room, butler’s pantry, giant fenced in yard, and large tree covered back patio. So impressive and beautifully and comfortably decorated.

The kids made another delicious taco meal and we ate around the dining room table. /Emmet assigned us all seats and Henry pointed and named us all. I love to hear him say “Grandma” with his adorable little smile.

While we were eating, Henry ran through and tripped on a rug, then picked himself up and showed us his owie knee. I scooped him up and kissed his knee and he was fine. Then he ran through and tripped in exactly the same way. This time, he picked himself up, kissed his own knee and ran off.

Hannah and i got to give the boys their bath and get them ready for bed. Their little precious bodies, bunnsies sticking out of the water when they lay on their tummies made us giggle. I love Emmet’s little muscley arms and Henry’s chunky monkey thighs.

When we got ready to leave, Henry didnt’ want to hug me until I asked Emmet to come give me a hug. Suddenly, Henry opened his arms and leaned into me saying, “Ahhh”. It made my heart sing.

Yesterday was a hard day. So much conflict, so much emotion.

I want to step up and be supportive of black people. I want to educate myself. I am listening. I listened to posts the last few days, black friends, black therapists speaking out, listened to the speakers at the protest. The messages I’m getting are so confusing. Care, have empathy, but you aren’t allowed to care and say you are trying to understand because that isn’t enough, you can’t understand and it hurts. Speak up for us, help our voices be heard, but don’t speak for us. Shut up and listen.

It upset me to hear the Director of RCPD say he cares and he doesn’t allow his officers to treat black people unfairly. He encourages people who are treated wrongly to speak up, his officers to speak up against each other. But that flies in the face of what my black friends are saying. They are pulled over much more frequently than white people. They are made to lie down or sit on the curb and are detained for no reason frequently. In my community. They don’t feel safe to speak up about their concerns.

The bottom line is we ALL have feelings about this. We ALL care. I’m ok with the riots because I understand the emotion behind it. A trauma response to feeling so helpless and angry for so long. A desperate attempt to be heard when they have felt so unheard for so long. It makes me upset that it had to resort to this for sure.

My heart also goes out to the police, most of whom are doing their jobs. They are afraid every day too. They are being hurt and killed in higher proportion right now too. Are many in the wrong? Yes! Are many behaving in racist, unfair ways? Hell yes.

We ALL have a responsibility to look deep inside and examine our own beliefs, values, motivations, behaviors. We must treat ALL with respect and kindness. We MUST speak up constructively when rights are being violated. We MUST all work together to figure out how to change what is broken, to right the wrongs. It will take trust and communication to do that. No more sides. Working together.

We can do that here. Please, hear our voices, too. We DO care. We DO want to understand. We DO want to stand with you and help you. Please let us.