dianegclark

Joel and I traversed to KC to look at loft apartments yesterday. It was so much fun.

We parked in City Market Square and looked at a ground floor unit first. The courtyard and the view from the fitness center over the river were awesome but the apartment was basic. Homey, carpeted, not at all the vibe Joel is hoping for.

Next we went to KC Lofts apartments management office. They own four (?) buildings in the library and garment districts, all several blocks off City Market Square. We looked at so many they all started blurring together. I could have lived in any of them, myself.

Between buildings, we rode with the property manager in a ranger and parked on the sidewalks. It made for a little extra fun.

My favorite was too small for Joel but it was in the oldest building called the New England. Walking in and out of the building and in the hallways alone would make me happy every day. hey were marble and had super cool molding and lighting and doors and floors. The unit itself had a fireplace and a bank vault for the closet but the living space was tiny, tiny tiny. If you had friends over, they’d basically have to sit on your bed with you.

So the until we found that Joel liked best had giant windows, a brick wall and a separate kitchen and bedroom. The view is of a garden and Obote that, cool buildings. It even had a tree that came up past the window. There were features that weren’t perfect, carpet and laminate and the kitchen was awkward, so when the gal mentioned that the unit upstairs on the 7th floor had the same layout except the kitchen was flipped so it could be more open and the floors were all hardwood, he jumped at it. It even has a skylight! So without seeing it, he applied for that one. It comes with super cool amenities and parking.

It would be so cool to live in a loft or to have one to go visit. Wait! WE do! Like it or not, we will be visiting Joel often. It will be so fun to go stay overnight and hang out at City Market Square.

I have mixed feelings about church.

I became a believer as a young adult. Scott and I began attending Westview Community Church soon after being married. We went to church almost every Sunday, went on missions trips and disaster response missions, I taught Sunday school for kids for years. I attended some women’s Bible studies several times over the years and even taught some in my home. We developed many friendships, mostly acquaintances. We raised our kids in the church, from the time they were babies until they stopped attending as teens. In all, we attended Westview for 30 years.

Six years ago, we left Westview to start TRU church with a core group of believers. We were disillusioned? Burned out? Lethargic? About our faith at Westview.

Our experience at TRU was mostly positive. There, we developed close relationships with the worship team, core group, and others. We served on the worship team, the welcome team (me) and the kids ministry (Scott). Scott served on the board. We got involved in almost every special event and meeting. We stepped down when Dave did, in response to some changes an hurtful attitudes. This was a huge loss for me.

In the last year since leaving TRU, I have attended several other churches, looking for an inclusive, progressive vibe and not finding it. I have been through a tremendous amount of pain and personal growth and change over the last few years. My faith has also undergone changes. Disillusionment, healing from shame, rebellion, undoing of hurts.

But I find myself missing community worship, fellowship, group prayer, the teaching of church.

Several Sundays ago I attended Westview again to witness the baptisms of several of our Homestead girls. Of course, I sat in the front row with them. Today I attended again. And you know, I liked it. I felt belonging again, connection, the Spirit.

I enjoyed seeing Devon rocking the worship team (and that outfit). I made a date with an old friend to catch up over coffee. And I got a kick out of the new invention covid safe communion cup. It has the wafer in the top and the juice in the bottom.

I think I’ll go back. I’m not ready to commit to attending weekly or to getting involved quite yet. But I can say that I will be back. I never would have imagined this.

I love my family.

Joel is staying here again as he transitions from living in LA to living in KC. We enjoy having him here. We play ping pong, share meals, and walk to close the coffee shop together at night.

This last weekend, we went to Newton to see the boys. We had a blast. We played and made pancakes. We cuddled Eleanor and rough housed with the boys. Emmet is so loving and smart. Henry is his own person and adorable. Eleanor is so alert and cuddly and strong.

Its not very often lately that I have an entire day with absolutely nothing to do AND am experiencing no FOMO. My social cup is full having spent the entire day at the coffee shop for the Grand Opening and seeing people I hadn’t seen in a while there AND having DAve and Mel and the previous owners of Brothers over for dinner last night. My house is clean, I am rested (slept in til 11!), I’ve seen Mama recently and have two upcoming dates this weeks with her. My to do list for the practice is caught up and other than social media posts (three per day per Ethos and Brothers), i have nothing to do!

I got up late and it was cool in the house and on the patio so I threw on my favorite sweats from Boibs PJ’s All Day line. I spent more than an hour in my “quiet time” and catching up on emails and making the media posts in my current and favorite quiet time chair.

I always start with gratitude which I write with different color markers in my journal, then I do my habit tracker, a list of self improvement goals. Then i check in with myself physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. It is SO important to check in and to know how you really are in each of these areas and then ask what do I need in each area. I try to let that be my guide throughout the week but it doesn’t always work out that way.

My next plan for today is to luxuriate in my second favorite spot in the house, my bed. My windows are wide open with a breeze blowing through.

Here I will read and write and rest and play with Diego. I’ve had a great hug from Scott and he will hang out in the livingroom on his computer and listening to his you tubes music and his audio books. We will hang out at some point today, for sure for dinner, maybe a walk, some yoga.

My current reads are: Come As you Are by Emily Nagowski, Becoming by Michelle Obama, and Twelve Patients, Life at Belle view Hospital, the book the New Amsterdam series is written about. I usually read fictions for pleasure, one book at a time, but my personal self help and professional read list is stacking up so I read three books at a time now.

I may write letters to friends today, I hope to talk to the kids by FaceTime, get some sort of exercise (its been hard to motivate but I really need to get this covid 10 weight off). I will text a couple friends I haven’t seen in awhile.

The week ahead is a busy one. I just accepted my 13th client (intake this week) and have two more who may potentially schedule. I only plan to carry 10-12 clients but since two are bi weekly and one is monthly, I think I’m ok. I get tired easily and I want to find balance. I generally work only 11-4 with time in between clients four days a week and do Homestead group. I am super excited that I have negotiated the lease and the improvements and plan to move into the new space by October 9. My mind is excitedly decorating and planning all day and night.

I have an appointment with mom, couples therapy, a trip to the eye doctor in Topeka with mom this week and then Thursday and Friday I am attending a conference on zoom to learn EMDR and brain spotting with one of my favorite presenters. Heather is going to come over and take the course with me. I’m excited for this!

Then in the middle of the conference, at 2:30 on Friday, Sophie and I are presenting about the book to the Kansas School Social Work Association, also by zoom.

The coffee shop is fun. I do the social media and marketing. Occasionally I make a run for a grocery item or change. I stop down before and after clients to use the restroom and see what’s up. I need to stop eating and drinking there. I love having the shop near my practice. I love to do my notes at the shop and sit outside. Its a great place and I’m super glad we bought it. Once or twice a week, Scott and I walk down there to help with close, carry the tables inside, take the trash out, dispose of the grounds, close out the register, grab a couple muffins for morning.

Life is good. Today is perfect.

Well. We own a coffee shop. It’s a lot. A lot to do, a lot to think about, a lot. But I love it.

Dave is managing it. Scott oversees all the finances and business details. I run the marketing and social media. Did I mention Dave is managing it? What an undertaking. He is rocking it. He manages the staff, the ordering, the supplies, the cleaning, payroll, oversees all that is done in there. He works endless hours. I spend about 2 hours a day all told, less some days, more others. Not all of that is directly in the store. Scott spends about 1 to 2 hours a day on it in addition to his full time job. Dave works there 12 hours a day. Every day.

I love to go to the coffee shop before, between, and after I see clients. Sometimes I sit outside and work. Sometimes I hang behind the counter. I’m being trained on the register, making drinks and baking. The register is confusing disguised as simple. Until today I didn’t really know the difference between a cappuccino and a latte. And today someone ordered a wet cappuccino. What? Apparently it is somewhere between a latte and a cappuccino. There are buttons on the register for brewed drinks, latte’s and specialty drinks. Confusing. Not all the drinks come in the same sizes. So I have to ask, what size, hot or iced, what flavors, what milk. Once they tell me all this and I have to put it in the register in a different order than what they told me, my brain has leaked out what they just told me. Yikes.

Maybe I ought to stick to making the coffee. Ok, grab the cup, the right size, the right type for hot or iced, measure in the syrup, 21, 28 ounces on the scale. Then comes the espresso. Grind the beans, tap it, smash it, (that probably isn’t the coffee shop term for that) and then put it in the thing and push the button. Pour the espresso into the cup and stir it with the little spoon. Then add the milk. Or froth the mild just right (“do you hear the ripping?”) and pour that in the cup. Get the lid, straw for cold, then remember which customer ordered it and go take it to them. Oh wait, knock out the coffee, rinse it in super hot water and wipe it out, clean off the espresso thingy with super hot water and rinse out the cup for the steamed milk. Then take a wet rag in your hand and clean off the steamer thingy by steaming it! Without burning your hand through the rag! Ouch!

Here’s the important part. Try not to eat and drink all the profit. The chocolate chip cookies are absolutely amazing. I love them dipped into a latte. I haven’t even tried all the coffee flavors yet. We hand make them. The muffins, oh my, I ate a chocolate chip raspberry muffin this morning. Unbelievable. I eat a sandwich or a breakfast sandwich about 3 times a week. I can even make them myself.

Scott and I go close about three times a week. We walk down to the shop at 10:00, take out the trash, wipe down things, carry in all the tables and chairs, dump the grounds and rinse the bucket, plug in the iPad, Scott closes out the register and gives the girls their tips. (I made a bunch of tips today even though I was messing up people’s orders).

We have amazing employees. Today I helped Joy bake chocolate chip cookies for a catering deal we have tomorrow. We can only bake 8 cookies at a time in the two tiny ovens. Every cookie weighs exactly 81 grams. The whole coffee shop smelled amazing. It smells amazing every day anyway, like coffee, but today it also smelled like baking cookies. We sell a lot more cookies while they are baking. I tease people that it is a subliminal message, they don’t really have a choice.

I love doing the social media. I post three or four times per day. So far I haven’t run out of ideas to post. Today I took pics of all of the people there. We had quite a diverse group today, age and race. Everyone was happy to have their photo taken. I said, “Brothers Coffee. A great place to…. work, study, date, meet, spend a Saturday afternoon.”

People say they love the vibe at the shop. I do too. It’s laid back but bright and cheery at the same time. It’s quiet but not like a library. People are spaced apart so you can have a private conversation. And on gorgeous days, the outside seating is perfect. It’s off the beaten path but you can still people watch.

I’m excited to start singing with Dave at the shop more as soon as things calm down a bit.

We feel like we are at least breaking even every day. That’s pretty amazing for being open one month and it still being during covid. We have had unexpected expenses like having to get a new ice machine and replace some other key things. It’s hard to know how much to spend on promotional items. We are purchasing our second order of t shirts and also ordered some stickers. We are getting our loyalty program up and running. We will have a pay it forward plan which I’m pretty excited about. We are purchasing refillable tumblers for every staff and student at MCC (with help from a friend) and hopefully will be sponsored to put a coupon for free coffee inside. We’ve had a lot of free advertising with Dave being interviewed by the Collegian, several radio stations and WIBW. We kept the crowd from Sparrow and are building on it. We almost always have people in the shop and many times it’s full. Our conference room is being reserved and we are getting catering orders. We haven’t even started selling beans (coming soon) and plan to do a whole online ordering and online merchandise store. We also hope to have live entertainment.

We have our grand opening this next Friday. Lots of things to plan and get ready for. So exciting!

So far I love owning a coffee shop.

We have been spoiled all these years as we have a little getaway place, Lake Wabaunsee. We haven’t been all summer due to covid!

Not only is there sunshine and fresh air, there is a relaxing atmosphere, shoes off, sit outside on the porch, snack when you’re hungry. And chat. Larry and Jo are so easy to talk to and interested. It was super great to catch up.

We spent time catching up, the four of us, on the patio in the strong breeze/wind. It wasn’t too warm due to the wind but we did need a break. I went down and laid out in the sun on the dock. I would have loved to get on the float but I would have blown clear to the dam.

After awhile Jo and I chatted again outside. Larry and Scott grilled up some burgers and brats and we ate. Food always tastes better at the lake and Larry and Jo spoil us.

I laid out again awhile and we chatted more, lounging around on the new furniture.

I need more lake time.

Our sweet granddaughter, Eleanor Faye Gaeddert was born on August 27, 2020. She came into the world when Leah laughed. She is perfect.

I got to meet Eleanor in person first.

I held her quite a while. I’d forgotten the sweet little faces they make and the noises.

The next day, the boys met her in person and were thrilled. And they took turns holding her.

Oh how my heart sang.

Later Leah made a video of Emmet singing to Eleanor.

Scott came in the afternoon and met her.

The next day after we left, Leah sent the most precious video of Henry sharing his car with Eleanor.

Eleanor has joined the family and brought nothing but joy to all.

I recently read a book recommended by Brene Brown after listening to a podcast. The book is called Untamed by Glennon Doyle. Glennon was able to put into words her own faith and much of what I feel about my own.

Glennon tells the story of her own journey toward living a life of authenticity. She tells of growing up learning to fulfill roles and expectations put on her by her family, her culture and her church. Glennon lived the life of the perfect wife, mother, and author, traveling around speaking and inspiring others. She always felt something was missing, that she wasn’t living freely as truly herself. She spent 10 minutes every night in deep breathing meditation, going into what she refers to as her “deep knowing” until she felt a “knowing like warm liquid gold filling my veins and solidifying just enough to make me feel steady, certain.” This, she knew, was God deep inside of her.

Glennon described so much of what I believe. She went to church and challenged a sermon the preacher was preaching. He told her, “God’s ways are not our ways, faith is about trusting, lean not on your own understanding.” Glennon writes, “He wanted me to believe that trusting him was trusting God. My heart and mind were connections to God. If I shut those down, I’d be trusting the men who ran this church, not trusting in God. I’d be replying on their understanding….Everybody owes it to herself, to her people, to the world, to examine what she’s been taught to believe, expeciallly if she’s going to choose to beliefs that condemn others….That is how white evangelicals became the most powerful and influential voting bloc in the United STates…That’s how evangelical leaders get a way with the stunning hypocrisy of keeping their money, racism, misogyny classism, nationalism, weaker on and corruption while purporting to lead in the name of a man who dedicated his life to ending war, serving orphans women and children, and giving power and money away to the poor….They just keep pushing the memo: Don’t think, don’t feel, don’t know. Just be against abortion and gays and keep on voting. That’s how to live like Jesus.”

I have difficulty trusting my own believing, the God voice inside me and think we have to be careful. I myself have made decisions out of pain or core wounds. I do find comfort in being guided by the word. But the word is being so twisted and has misrepresented Jesus so badly that I don’t really want to go to church, associate with religious people or even call myself a Christian since people will believe that I, too, had drank the poison.

Glennon goes to give the best explanation that resonated with me. “I don’t know if I call myself a Christian anymore. That label suggests certainty, and I have none. It suggests the desire to convert others, and that’s the last thing I want to do. It suggests exclusive belonging…Part of me wants to peel that label off, set it down, and try to meet each person soul to soul, without any layers between us.” Glennon is still compelled by Jesus himself and hos story, “a revolutionary idea powerful enough to heal and free humanity now.”

I do feel like I have certainty. In my soul. Certainty that God Himself never changes, His goodness can be trusted. My salvation is secure (not because I did the right things or believed the right things).

Glennon writes, “Returning to ourselves is confusing at first. It’s not as simple as listening for the voices inside of us. Because sometimes the voices inside of us, which we’ve assumed speak Truth, are just the voices of human beings who told us what to believe. Often the internal voice telling us who God is and What God approves of is not God; It’s our indoctrination. … There is no outsourcing your faith. There is just you and God. ….Having the courage to dismiss what insults your souls is a matter of life or death. If those who claim to speak for Truth can convince you to believe instead of Know, to live from their rules instead of…the still, small voice inside you….”

My brother was on a journey to reexamine his beliefs, his indoctrination. He took a lot of answers with him to his grave, answers I’d like to be able to access. Yesterday as I was praying, I thought, “I wish I could ask Dave…” but God reminded me, I can ask Him.

I feel like along with my journey to refind myself over the last two years, I have experienced a “crisis of faith”. I no longer believe in heaven and hell, or that a person has to say or do or pronounce or believe a certain thing before they die or they will burn in hell. The God I know wants everyone to come to Him, to live eternally with Him. In fact, He says so. He also says that “Every knee will bow.” I myself have been so confused about the Word and about God. So many people I know are confused or deceived to uncertain. Would the God I know personally throw them in hell because they were unsure or confused or deceived? He’s never treated me that way. I believe that when people die, God reveals Himself to them. His true, loving, pure, loving self. Who would possibly reject Him at that point?

I no longer believe that people have to be converted or believe as I do. God says and I believe that if we search for Him, we will find Him. If we get close to Him, we will become more like Him, that is, loving and accepting and giving and peaceful……. Not hating gays and excluding people and shaming people. If I share my beliefs about God with others, it isn’t to convert them, it is to share the beauty that I have found. That I am still finding. I no longer believe that I have all this figured out. I have much to learn and am open to what others can teach me along the way.

I do very much miss corporate prayer and corporate worship. I miss the community of belonging and being seen and known and loved. I wish there was a church uninfiltrated by the religious. A church that lets go of the pressure of conversion and salvation. A church that seeks not to indoctrinate but to accept and love and worship,

Evening of day two watching the boys, Leah and Dave came home with baby Eleanor. So so so precious. My heart is full. I held her and held her. I forgot all the adorable faces and sounds babies make.

Helped Leah and Dave get settled then checked into the little airbnb casita that I booked. I fell into bed and read and slept hard.

Morning. Quiet time then curbside at Mojo’s Coffee for cinnamon rolls and latte’s then back to Rosewood ave to get more baby and grandson time.

What a crazy morning. Lots of fussy boys and attention seeking and regression. Lots of visitors at the door then Terri and Greg came. Too many people for a tiny space. We sensed Leah and Dave getting pretty tired (Eleanor apparently nursed from 10-3) so Leah put Henry down for his nap and I took Emmet to the casita.

Scott joined us at the casita and after naps, we went back to Rosewood. Everyone was in much better spirits. Lovely play and baby time. I made chicken and rice and Scott gave the boys their baths. Bedtime for bonzos and Grandma and Papa left for the casita.

Eleanor is precious and perfect. She seems so tiny. She weighed 7.11 but Leah had nursed her prior so she may have weighed less at birth. She has the tiniest most perfect features, little nose and lips. Her little eyes roll around and search for mine. She loves to stretch out her limbs.

We rocked bedtime last night. Very little fuss, one extra snuggle and success!

Day two watching the boys while waiting for baby Eleanor and Mom and Dad to come home. I am flying solo this morning as Scott had to work and take care of his stress level which is super high due to work (covid and school starting) and the coffee shop.

7am on the nose I hear Henry crying. Usually when he wakes up we hear a sweet little voice asking, “are youuuuu?” But tears this morning. When I went to get him, I discovered the door open and Emmet gone from the room. He was hiding in the livingroom not having found mama. He’d only been awake a couple of minutes. No one wanted to snuggle, bummer. But we were pretty happy. We played happily and ate breakfast then the arguments started. Over the white car. Turn taking didn’t work. Sharing didn’t work. I used firmness, empathy, hiding the toy, trading. Nothing. Then Leah FaceTimed and the boys were fussing. Erg. I know this has nothing to do with the white car. They miss Mom and Dad.

We finally got a moment peace and FaceTimed. The boys were delighted to see Sister Eleanor again. She blinked and they loved her. Henry talked about her eyes. Emmet told Henry that she is his baby sister. It was joy.

More arguing. Distraction with the vacuum worked (remote) and then we turned on Daniel Tiger. Whew!

Lunch worked. Ok, I gave in a little on the goldfish crackers, but Emmet ate an entire half a banana! This is huge. He cut up some grapes for Henry with the grape shooter. Henry ate pizza and grapes. Then he hid his banana behind his back and we played where’s the banana?

Henry went down for his nap without a fuss. I slept while Emmet played. More than an hour. Emmet joined me in the bed and we drew flowers. I taught him to draw a flower and he drew several in a row by himself in my journal. I got him a clean sheet of paper and he drew one for Sister. We videoed him telling her about it.

After nap, Nana Terri came. While waiting and looking out the window, Henry said, “Nana Terri not here yet,” perfectly over and over. It was precious.

Nana Terri watched the boys while I made a quick trip to Dillons to get flowers for Leah and ingredients for the traditional meal of chicken and rice that I make after Leah has babies. My Mom made it for me, also. I bought her a necklace with an E on it . Then I got Scott some Kombucha on tap from Prairie Market.

Back at the house, I talked Terri’s leg off and then she ran and got us McDonald’s for dinner.

Evening went smoothly with baths and books and bedtime. Whew! Day 2 on the books!