dianegclark

We have been spoiled all these years as we have a little getaway place, Lake Wabaunsee. We haven’t been all summer due to covid!

Not only is there sunshine and fresh air, there is a relaxing atmosphere, shoes off, sit outside on the porch, snack when you’re hungry. And chat. Larry and Jo are so easy to talk to and interested. It was super great to catch up.

We spent time catching up, the four of us, on the patio in the strong breeze/wind. It wasn’t too warm due to the wind but we did need a break. I went down and laid out in the sun on the dock. I would have loved to get on the float but I would have blown clear to the dam.

After awhile Jo and I chatted again outside. Larry and Scott grilled up some burgers and brats and we ate. Food always tastes better at the lake and Larry and Jo spoil us.

I laid out again awhile and we chatted more, lounging around on the new furniture.

I need more lake time.

Our sweet granddaughter, Eleanor Faye Gaeddert was born on August 27, 2020. She came into the world when Leah laughed. She is perfect.

I got to meet Eleanor in person first.

I held her quite a while. I’d forgotten the sweet little faces they make and the noises.

The next day, the boys met her in person and were thrilled. And they took turns holding her.

Oh how my heart sang.

Later Leah made a video of Emmet singing to Eleanor.

Scott came in the afternoon and met her.

The next day after we left, Leah sent the most precious video of Henry sharing his car with Eleanor.

Eleanor has joined the family and brought nothing but joy to all.

I recently read a book recommended by Brene Brown after listening to a podcast. The book is called Untamed by Glennon Doyle. Glennon was able to put into words her own faith and much of what I feel about my own.

Glennon tells the story of her own journey toward living a life of authenticity. She tells of growing up learning to fulfill roles and expectations put on her by her family, her culture and her church. Glennon lived the life of the perfect wife, mother, and author, traveling around speaking and inspiring others. She always felt something was missing, that she wasn’t living freely as truly herself. She spent 10 minutes every night in deep breathing meditation, going into what she refers to as her “deep knowing” until she felt a “knowing like warm liquid gold filling my veins and solidifying just enough to make me feel steady, certain.” This, she knew, was God deep inside of her.

Glennon described so much of what I believe. She went to church and challenged a sermon the preacher was preaching. He told her, “God’s ways are not our ways, faith is about trusting, lean not on your own understanding.” Glennon writes, “He wanted me to believe that trusting him was trusting God. My heart and mind were connections to God. If I shut those down, I’d be trusting the men who ran this church, not trusting in God. I’d be replying on their understanding….Everybody owes it to herself, to her people, to the world, to examine what she’s been taught to believe, expeciallly if she’s going to choose to beliefs that condemn others….That is how white evangelicals became the most powerful and influential voting bloc in the United STates…That’s how evangelical leaders get a way with the stunning hypocrisy of keeping their money, racism, misogyny classism, nationalism, weaker on and corruption while purporting to lead in the name of a man who dedicated his life to ending war, serving orphans women and children, and giving power and money away to the poor….They just keep pushing the memo: Don’t think, don’t feel, don’t know. Just be against abortion and gays and keep on voting. That’s how to live like Jesus.”

I have difficulty trusting my own believing, the God voice inside me and think we have to be careful. I myself have made decisions out of pain or core wounds. I do find comfort in being guided by the word. But the word is being so twisted and has misrepresented Jesus so badly that I don’t really want to go to church, associate with religious people or even call myself a Christian since people will believe that I, too, had drank the poison.

Glennon goes to give the best explanation that resonated with me. “I don’t know if I call myself a Christian anymore. That label suggests certainty, and I have none. It suggests the desire to convert others, and that’s the last thing I want to do. It suggests exclusive belonging…Part of me wants to peel that label off, set it down, and try to meet each person soul to soul, without any layers between us.” Glennon is still compelled by Jesus himself and hos story, “a revolutionary idea powerful enough to heal and free humanity now.”

I do feel like I have certainty. In my soul. Certainty that God Himself never changes, His goodness can be trusted. My salvation is secure (not because I did the right things or believed the right things).

Glennon writes, “Returning to ourselves is confusing at first. It’s not as simple as listening for the voices inside of us. Because sometimes the voices inside of us, which we’ve assumed speak Truth, are just the voices of human beings who told us what to believe. Often the internal voice telling us who God is and What God approves of is not God; It’s our indoctrination. … There is no outsourcing your faith. There is just you and God. ….Having the courage to dismiss what insults your souls is a matter of life or death. If those who claim to speak for Truth can convince you to believe instead of Know, to live from their rules instead of…the still, small voice inside you….”

My brother was on a journey to reexamine his beliefs, his indoctrination. He took a lot of answers with him to his grave, answers I’d like to be able to access. Yesterday as I was praying, I thought, “I wish I could ask Dave…” but God reminded me, I can ask Him.

I feel like along with my journey to refind myself over the last two years, I have experienced a “crisis of faith”. I no longer believe in heaven and hell, or that a person has to say or do or pronounce or believe a certain thing before they die or they will burn in hell. The God I know wants everyone to come to Him, to live eternally with Him. In fact, He says so. He also says that “Every knee will bow.” I myself have been so confused about the Word and about God. So many people I know are confused or deceived to uncertain. Would the God I know personally throw them in hell because they were unsure or confused or deceived? He’s never treated me that way. I believe that when people die, God reveals Himself to them. His true, loving, pure, loving self. Who would possibly reject Him at that point?

I no longer believe that people have to be converted or believe as I do. God says and I believe that if we search for Him, we will find Him. If we get close to Him, we will become more like Him, that is, loving and accepting and giving and peaceful……. Not hating gays and excluding people and shaming people. If I share my beliefs about God with others, it isn’t to convert them, it is to share the beauty that I have found. That I am still finding. I no longer believe that I have all this figured out. I have much to learn and am open to what others can teach me along the way.

I do very much miss corporate prayer and corporate worship. I miss the community of belonging and being seen and known and loved. I wish there was a church uninfiltrated by the religious. A church that lets go of the pressure of conversion and salvation. A church that seeks not to indoctrinate but to accept and love and worship,

Evening of day two watching the boys, Leah and Dave came home with baby Eleanor. So so so precious. My heart is full. I held her and held her. I forgot all the adorable faces and sounds babies make.

Helped Leah and Dave get settled then checked into the little airbnb casita that I booked. I fell into bed and read and slept hard.

Morning. Quiet time then curbside at Mojo’s Coffee for cinnamon rolls and latte’s then back to Rosewood ave to get more baby and grandson time.

What a crazy morning. Lots of fussy boys and attention seeking and regression. Lots of visitors at the door then Terri and Greg came. Too many people for a tiny space. We sensed Leah and Dave getting pretty tired (Eleanor apparently nursed from 10-3) so Leah put Henry down for his nap and I took Emmet to the casita.

Scott joined us at the casita and after naps, we went back to Rosewood. Everyone was in much better spirits. Lovely play and baby time. I made chicken and rice and Scott gave the boys their baths. Bedtime for bonzos and Grandma and Papa left for the casita.

Eleanor is precious and perfect. She seems so tiny. She weighed 7.11 but Leah had nursed her prior so she may have weighed less at birth. She has the tiniest most perfect features, little nose and lips. Her little eyes roll around and search for mine. She loves to stretch out her limbs.

We rocked bedtime last night. Very little fuss, one extra snuggle and success!

Day two watching the boys while waiting for baby Eleanor and Mom and Dad to come home. I am flying solo this morning as Scott had to work and take care of his stress level which is super high due to work (covid and school starting) and the coffee shop.

7am on the nose I hear Henry crying. Usually when he wakes up we hear a sweet little voice asking, “are youuuuu?” But tears this morning. When I went to get him, I discovered the door open and Emmet gone from the room. He was hiding in the livingroom not having found mama. He’d only been awake a couple of minutes. No one wanted to snuggle, bummer. But we were pretty happy. We played happily and ate breakfast then the arguments started. Over the white car. Turn taking didn’t work. Sharing didn’t work. I used firmness, empathy, hiding the toy, trading. Nothing. Then Leah FaceTimed and the boys were fussing. Erg. I know this has nothing to do with the white car. They miss Mom and Dad.

We finally got a moment peace and FaceTimed. The boys were delighted to see Sister Eleanor again. She blinked and they loved her. Henry talked about her eyes. Emmet told Henry that she is his baby sister. It was joy.

More arguing. Distraction with the vacuum worked (remote) and then we turned on Daniel Tiger. Whew!

Lunch worked. Ok, I gave in a little on the goldfish crackers, but Emmet ate an entire half a banana! This is huge. He cut up some grapes for Henry with the grape shooter. Henry ate pizza and grapes. Then he hid his banana behind his back and we played where’s the banana?

Henry went down for his nap without a fuss. I slept while Emmet played. More than an hour. Emmet joined me in the bed and we drew flowers. I taught him to draw a flower and he drew several in a row by himself in my journal. I got him a clean sheet of paper and he drew one for Sister. We videoed him telling her about it.

After nap, Nana Terri came. While waiting and looking out the window, Henry said, “Nana Terri not here yet,” perfectly over and over. It was precious.

Nana Terri watched the boys while I made a quick trip to Dillons to get flowers for Leah and ingredients for the traditional meal of chicken and rice that I make after Leah has babies. My Mom made it for me, also. I bought her a necklace with an E on it . Then I got Scott some Kombucha on tap from Prairie Market.

Back at the house, I talked Terri’s leg off and then she ran and got us McDonald’s for dinner.

Evening went smoothly with baths and books and bedtime. Whew! Day 2 on the books!

Scott and I woke up at 4 and were on the road to Newton by 4:30. Yikes.

When we arrived, Scott stayed asleep in the car while I went in and greeted a very pregnant mom, my daughter, Leah. Emmet woke up just before they left.

Emmet and I played play dough first off. His idea. We made shapes and counted them. While we were working, Emmet said, “I made this square for you because I love you.” He said “I’m sad that Mom isn’t here but I’m glad you are here.”

Emmet and I went out to the car and woke up Papa and Emmet brought him in the house. Scott’s back is out and he is exhausted from a very stressful week at work and with the coffee shop. Not sure how much help he will be today but he’s in charge when I hit my wall. Emmet “checked on” Papa about every 10 minutes as he lay on the bed.

Henry woke up and did ok with me getting him up. He usually snuggles Mom for a bit, but not Grandma. We made breakfast and Henry asked about Mom at breakfast. He seemed fine with the answer. Henry speaks in full sentences of which I can understand about 80%.

After breakfast, the boys played with our suitcases. This was supposed to provide several hours of fun. However, Henry unzipped mine and found the bag of colorful ping pong balls. They next several hours were filled with, “Grandma, come play me.”

“Play that green one, Grandma. I want you come play me. Come get that blue ball. Emmet made a crash.”

Emmet said, “Grandma, come in here, I won.”

On to hour two…I’m not kidding!

Leah left a little note, it revealed a surprise hidden in the blanket basket: new toys from Cars! The boys were so excited! It lasted about 2 minutes then Henry decided he wanted the one Henry had. Fortunately, Emmet was ready to work the trade.

Leah is the perfect Mom. Her house was clean, fridge stocked, instructions written, and notes and surprises left.

Hour three. Found our rubber boots and went outside. We played with the new cars in the dirt and then had an argument over the cars. The countdown to trade didn’t work. I suggested a distraction, the liquidator water guns. Of course, both want to play with those. So we shot those off a few times then Emmet made mud. We played with the cars in the mud and washed them off back and forth.

Back inside, checked on Papa, now we want more surprises. Two hours in and we are out of surprises and Grandma is getting tired.

Grandma laid on the couch and the boys threw ping pong balls to (at?) Grandma and alternately shot them into Sister’s bouncy seat. This occupied about an hour then we got hangry. Applesauce snack and TV saved the day. Papa is getting his rest. Little does he know, lunch and naptime and he is ON! There is a small chance Emmet will take a nap. He does quiet time in any case.

Next came lunch. Too early. The boys barely ate. Then naps. Had a hard time getting Henry down, lots of negotiating attempts and tears but he finally slept and so did Grandma. Papa entertained Emmet quietly.

After nap we had a short snack then Emmet wanted to go out front and play kick the red ball over the house. It was a game that we played with Emmet when he was younger. It involves one grown up out front and one out back. The kids started out front with me then took turns in back with Scott. We basically kick the ball high until it goes over the house. Back and forth. Lots of cheering.

Eventually, someone had the idea to get out the baby pool. So we spent about 45 minutes playing in the pool and swinging on the tree swing.

Just before we went out, we got a text that baby Eleanor Faye was here. The boys were fairly oblivious. Apparently she was nursing quite a bit so it was a long time before we heard more.

Inside play. Cars and trains and towers with the rainbow block.

Leah FaceTimed and the boys got to meet Eleanor over video. They were both glued to the screen, fascinated. Emmet put his sweet hands on his face and said, “That’s my sister!” Henry said, “Cici!” And “that’s a baby”.

Allowed a little snack (carb) and the boys played happily with the ping pong balls, throwing them at me, etc. We went back outside and Emmet swung with Scott pushing him and Henry threw the ball up onto the car over and over so it would roll back down to him. While he did that, Leah texted the cutest picture of the baby and Henry looked at her and said, “OOO, Wow, so tiny!”

Leah texted and said that Teri and Greg were coming over to bring the boys dinner and we could go meet Eleanor through the window. So we took turns showering and then hopped in the car. We met our little sweet punk in’ through the window. Leah and Dave seemed so happy. She was so cute! I am excited to hold her hopefully tomorrow!

Scott got work texts and it is obvious he is going to have to go home and work tomorrow. Also, his back is out and he is way too stressed out to be here, so he went home after we got the kids in bed.

Periodically through the day, Emmet would announce, “Grandma, I’m so happy you’re here with me.”

We gave them a bath and got them dressed and read to them and tucked them in, Scott tucked Emmet in and I dealt with all Henry’s attempts to not go to sleep. Once he realized I want business and that Mom wasn’t going to magically appear (he said “I need Mom” several times), we were able to get him to go to sleep without much fuss. Way easier than naptime.

So day 2 is me solo.

I rode with the girls again today at Broken Wings Ranch. I hadn’t been in awhile. I have started taking anxiety meds after Dave passed and I was like a buspar commercial up on that horse today, super calm.

I rode Buck Eye again today. Karen said I have to master him before I can ride another. He never ever seems happy to see me. I swear he rolls his eyes and turns his head. Truly, I don’t think he likes taking riders at all. He had a hard time today. He had shoes on the front but not the back. He HATED the water. I had to MAKE him go in the creek. And he went as slow as he could get away with. Except when he took off trotting a couple of times. He likes to see what he can get away with. I would have let him trot longer but it truly hurt. My muscles are out of shape and it hurt today, my hips and legs. My feet even got numb. When they helped me down, I said, “Wow! It feels like I just rode a horse for two hours! Oh! I did!”

At one point while going through tall grass prairie, the girls one by one made their horses go in a tight circle. Buck Eye decided he needed to do that, too. He turned his head and kept it there til I pulled the reins then he went in a tight circle, too. Monkey see, Monkey too. Then he was ok to go on. I got a kick out of it.

Overall I felt peaceful and calm up there. There was no panic, no anxiety, only a couple of gasps when he trotted. He didn’t like the horse and pony following us today.

I took some video footage which I think will be perfect for the music video for Old Dirt Road.

It had been way too long since I’d seen them.

I arrived in Newton yesterday morning. Henry saw me first as I peeked in the screen door. His smile is so precious, his giggle. They both ran to me and greeted me. Henry usually hands something for me to see, like a car. Emmet asks me to play. Right away. “Let’s play, Grandma.” If I had a quarter for every time one of them said that these last two days, I’d be rich. I am rich. In love.

Shortly after I arrived, Leah brought out a long, hard cardboard tube. The boys set it up against the coffee table and started shooting cars through it. They did this tirelessly for hours on end. Later, they started peeking at each other through the tube and eventually talked through it. I even had them doing mountain calls through it like on the Riccola ad.

I also brought toys from Grandma’s house to play with, a light up guitar and a flat roll out keyboard. This prompted hours of “dance party” games, sometimes with the lights out and the third person on the play drums in the bedroom. There were lots of arguments about the guitar and lots of practice turn taking involving much adult intervention and lots of tears. They both did a great job, though.

We swung on the swing in the front yard and went for a walk in the stroller this morning, spotting butterflies, a grasshopper and a cardinal. We had a picnic with Happy Meals for dinner last night on the front lawn that Emmet didn’t make it through because of the bugs. Henry and I watched an ant carry off a sesame seed.

The boys are very different from one another. Henry is rough and tumble. Hugs and cuddles have to be his idea and earned. He uses lots of phrases and has a ready smile. Henry voraciously eats anything put in front of him with comments like “that’s so good!” Or “more.” Henry is 2 and three months old.

Emmet is a hugger and snuggles. He says the sweetest things unprompted, like, “I love you, Grandma”, or “I’m glad you came” or “I’m going to miss you.” Emmet narrates events in streams of commentary. Emmet eats very little and is super picky about textures and tastes. He is cautious and has strong likes and dislikes, like bugs, currently. Emmet is four and 4 months old.

The boys can be sweet to each other, helping each other up, checking on each other, even kissing boo boos. Or they can throw toys or knock each other over or grab toys and scream for their turn. Normal sibling stuff but intensified by being quarantined in the house together for so many months.

Bath time and after were a wild ride last night, as Leah and Dave grabbed some dinner alone away from the house. Water was everywhere in the bathroom and then they are supposed to quiet down after baths but they ran around the livingroom in circles naked and screaming and giggling. I literally had to catch them and wrestle to get their pull ups and pj’s on. But I could always count on TV to get them calm. They are into Daniel Tiger right now, a cartoon version spin off of Mister Rogers starring Daniel the tiger who teachers life lessons.

I love my babies and cherish our visits even though they exhaust me.

Joel’s company created a game that is exploding called Blaseball. It was supposed to just be a side thing, while they were waiting for their next big game idea and funding. Joel came up with the idea during the covid quarantine before the baseball season started up. It’s an absurd baseball game sort of like fantasy baseball but silly. There are silly and fun team names like the Kansas City Breath Mints (Joel said they are sweet, friendly and love spreadsheets), and The Chicago Fire Fighters. The silly slogan for that team is “We are from Chicago” cause people from Chicago say that a lot.

The game has gone nuts. Articles and great reviews keep coming out. One top gaming website, Polygon.com, called it “The best game of 2020”. Joel said they can’t even keep up! Every time an article or review comes out, people flood to the site and the servers crash. Joel is working extra hours as are the other guys in The Game Band, his company, and they can’t even find time to hire more engineers to help. Actually, I just tried to go on to try it out and get some pics and it said they are taking a short break to fix it and rest.

Joel said there have been interesting bugs in the game like the one where the game wouldn’t end. But that adds to the charm. Apparently Joel randomly sits in his apartment and changes the price for the peanuts in the game. One day he made them “zero peanuts for free” and the current price is super high. He and his Dad laughed about it because peanuts serve absolutely no function or benefit in the game but they are selling like wildfire! There is a thing called shame where the other team has to finish the game even if they’ve been mathematically eliminated. Fans in the stadium yell “shame” over and over. I imagine it is something like a 10 run rule in soccer only that ends the game.

Joel is amazed by the response. It is getting a cult like following. The Seattle team name is Seattle Garages and someone started a band with the same name. USgamer.net described the game “where umpires go rogue and incinerate players.”

Check out all the articles by googling Blaseball or look it up on Twitter. It’s quite the sensation!

Here we are down the road with covid 19 and reality is hitting. I’ve been listening to a lot of Brene Brown lately. She has this way of naming what we are going through. As a therapist, I am well aware that we need to name it in order to heal. And we have to allow ourselves to feel it to heal it. She does a podcast on what she calls FFTs. Fucking first times. How hard that is for everyone. That is part of what we are going through with covid. No one knows how to do this. No one knows how to talk about it. Then she does several podcasts on grief. How much loss there is in this. She said we need to name the loss of the old normal, all that we have lost and then try to create a new normal.

I have not done this for myself personally. I’ve tried but honestly, it’s starting to get me down. Maybe it’s another stage of grief. Maybe it’s that we are now down the road and we realize that this isn’t going away anytime soon. She used some analogies that resonated with me to explain that we were in crisis mode. We had a certain amount of energy from adrenaline to get through the crisis part. Now that we are down the road, our energy has dropped. This is hitting us. We may not return to normal soon. Maybe never.

My old normal. I’m naming it. Feeling it.

Here are my first attempts. What are yours?

Seeing the boys every other week or whenever I wanted to without restrictions. I miss them terribly. Their laughter, playfulness, hugs, cuddles, their little voices and little bodies climbing all over me, the things they say. Just being Grandma. When I’m with them, all else fades away. I enter their tiny worlds of play and food and joy. I need and miss this.

What I need: I need to establish some reasonable ground rules that balance mental health needs and safety. All of our mental health issues are suffering. Scott has the latest and best knowledge about safety with covid. I need to decide what is safe for me, based on facts and not fear, balancing safety and my own mental health and other’s needs to feel safe.

For covid safety I need: to go to the gym at less crowded times wearing a mask, to meet with friends outside or six feet apart and masked. Pools, restaurants, small gyms, large groups, these are out. My new mask will come and I will wear it. I am currently wearing my N95 mask under my Vera Bradley mask. N95 masks DO help the wearer be safer, along with others.

Working out. I miss going to the gym, Working out with other people, in classes, with friends, in community. This is super important for my mental health. I miss the routine of it. The predictability, I went a certain time, saw the same people, smiled and greeted them, was validated and known by them, known by the instructors. Then the work out itself. I felt strong, capable, bad ass. I miss step class at which I was very skilled. I miss lifting weights. I miss kickboxing, punching, kicking. I miss feeling strong and capable. The workout itself, sweating, getting my heart rate way up, pushing myself. Workouts are mindful, all else slips away and you become focussed on only your body and what it is doing. Then there is mirroring that occurs, as you do similar motions with those near you. My brain, body, emotions, all miss working out. I miss the community of it also, the belonging. I started to transition to 9 rounds but I can’t go there anymore. It’s just too small, too many people breathing hard in too close of quarters.

What I need: I need to go to the gym three mornings a week and lift weights wearing my mask. I need to do cardio, step class Thursday evening position myself near the door. I need to walk twice per week. Do Yoga two to three times per week. Make a schedule and stick to it.

Friends. I miss my friends. I had a regular group of people I got together with. We met for lunches, workouts. We talked and laughed and shared. We supported each other, listened to each other, saw and heard and knew each other. We connected, around their struggles or mine or shared struggles. Then we stopped. We tried video chatting. It was helpful but we missed the hugs, the brain healing eye to eye contact, the routine, the community of being together in public, seeing others, talking about who we saw, oh, I know her, how do you know her?…. Even putting on nicer clothes and makeup to meet. Video chat helped me continue with some relationships, but some were lost, then more started. I think that i started to develop a new normal a couple of times, first on video chat, then having people over here, then back to video chat, people were off work then back at work. I can’t get my feet under me socially. I miss getting together with people in person, going out to eat or for coffee, and having groups of people here, going to others’ homes, having family here. I grieve for this normal. It’s even hard to name.

What I need: Have two days per week that are my social days and set up with someone each of those times. A routine to socialize that I can count on. All else will be icing on the cake.

Routine. I miss it a lot. I went to work, I took a nap, I had a snack and watched Ellen, I went to the gym, I came home, I fixed dinner, we ate it together , I watched maybe one show, then I went to bed and read. Friday nights we ate Chipotle and went to bed early. Saturday we cleaned and grocery shopped and went to rehearsal. Sunday we went to church then we napped. I went to see the boys every two weeks. I can’t get a new routine going that works for me. My clients are all over the place. I don’t work out at all. We try to establish a new routine, eat together, ping pong, watch tv.

What I need: A new schedule and routine. Decide when I will see clients and start making that happen instead of all over the place. Put socializing in. Put working out in. Schedule quiet time and reading time and writing time. Stick to it.