Author: dianegclark

We spent the weekend with Kent, Hannah, baby June joined by newly engaged Joel and Kayla in Denver. It was a relaxing weekend full of walks, meals, talks, playing with June and sitting in the backyard pool.

Monday night we gathered our rain ponchos and drive through Morrison to Red Rocks. I’ve seen it from a distance but have never attended a concert there. It was amazing.

After a two hour storm delay in which we sat together in two cars side by side playing a cooperative phone game, we donned our ponchos and hiked up the ramps and stairs into the venue. No bad seats in the place.

We saw Lucinda Williams, opener, and i didn’t know how i missed her before. She’s a rock/americana contry artist whose been around since the 70’s. Three years ago she had a stroke that made her seem older than her 70 years. But she rocked it out. I enjoyed her music.

The main artist was Big Thief. Hannah and Joel really like her. I like, don’t love her music. She is a fascinating looking person, non binary, attractive and talented. Overall it was entertaining and i enjoyed the experience.

As i begin my healing journey, I am just beginning to understand how truly sick I’ve been. For a very long time.

Yesterday i went to lunch with friends at a taco place. I can eat corn and salsa every 4 days so i indulged in chips and salsa. I ordered carnitas with corn tortillas but didn’t love it so boxed it and filled up with chips. As i finished, i felt the very familiar discomfort in my bowels. I am still inflamed. I excused myself and rushed off in a panic, clenching as usual. And then. I had a normal BM. And felt fine. As i drive home after, i teared up, realizing i haven’t needed to panic or rush. I’m getting better.

I’ve suffered from the symptoms of IBS for years. And anxiety, worsened during cancer treatment six years ago. I thought the IBS was the result of the anxiety or at least complicated by it. Now I’m learning that both symptoms, and more, were due to food sensitivities, leaky gut, a really unhealthy gut, and a parasite, most likely picked up in Cambodia.

I’m doing it! I started with coffee. This is hard for me, to say the least. I’ve savored a cup of coffee with creamer during my morning quiet time every morning for 40 years. And i happen to own a coffee shop. I ordered mud/wtr which is anti inflammatory mushrooms, chai tea and cacoa. I like it! I add silk oatmilk creamer.

Changing the rest of my diet was and continues to be a challenge. I am not a vegetable or fruit lover. I am not an adventurous eater. So to completely change almost every meal and snack is so so so hard. I’m grieving. I am saved by the fact that i can eat potatoes (no butter, cheese or sour cream), chips and popcorn. But only every four days. And I’ve lost 7 pounds in three weeks.

I feel better. The cramps are easing. No rushing to the bathroom or God forbid not making it. No longer feeling and looking 9 months pregnant after eating. maybe after the grief eases, my mood will also improve. I can relax. My stomach feels so much better. I think I’ve been really sick for a long time.

It was waaay too long since I’d seen my Grandbabies. I rushed around my Friday morning to get to Newton so Leah could go to a meeting. I got there at 2. The boys were downstairs watching tv for their quiet time. They didn’t know I was coming. They were very happy to see me. We snuggled and watched tv and played with legos . When Eleanor woke from her nap and came down the stairs all sweaty and sleepy eyed, her eyes got huge and she smiled and said, “Dammaw!”

Henry had on a collared polo shirt backwards with the collar popped so it wrapped around the front of his neck. So funny. Emmet has lost 8 teeth and has one new permanent one in front. Eleanor wears her sweet dresses every day.

We ate ice cream, a standard grandma snack, then played legos. Eleanor and I went outside and swung and played in the sandbox. She took my hand a bunch of time this weekend and said, “Dammaw, tome wit me.” While we were doing the dishes for Leah, I heard Emmet reading to Henry in the bedroom. He can read like a pro! I could understand so much more of Eleanor’s words.

While in the laundry room, I had my shirt off washing out a spot of chocolate syrup when I felt a little hand on my muffin top, sweetly just touching. Henry asked, “what’s this, Gwamma”? ‘Just back fat, baby.”

On the way to get food for dinner, Henry said he likes boogers now. He said, “wait! Boogers!” And he says burgers the same way he says boogers. We all laughed.

I almost got to go to t ball practice, but it was canceled due to thunder. We played with sidewalk chalk, flowers, rainbows and poop. If you draw with 5 and 7 year old boys, you’re gonna draw poop. in every color.

After dinner we went to Freddy’s for ice cream. What a mess! So fun. Baths after. Everyone stripped down naked while the water ran and while Emmet was using the bathroom, the little’s ran around the house neked. Of course, I encouraged this and sent them around the back yard too.

This morning we got up and had breakfast and went to the Wichita zoo. So fun. Eleanor ran around in her dress, yellow rain boots and colorful crown giggling and saying, “I love zebras!” Or every other animal we saw. Emmet wanted to read and learn about the animals, Henry did too. They were simply delighted. We loved the gorillas, zebras, meerkats, giraffes, goats, parrots, and more. We played in the water, stomped in puddles and walked and walked.

In the car after the zoo, Henry leaned over to me and whispered, “I wish you didn’t have to go home.”

My sister in law turned 60 and her daughter had a birthday party for her at her farm. It was so fun!

Emily’s farm is wonderful. It has a two story farmhouse with a wrap around porch. You drive down several tree lined gravel roads to get there. Emily had a country rock band set up on the side porch and a fire pit going. There is a quaint faded red barn and an old light blue semi truck. There were picnic tables and about 30 people.

I, of course, was all about the animals. There was a baby pig named chocolate. And a big black pot bellied pig named Greta. There were three goats, two of whom are fainting goats. I scared the hell out of one that wasn’t the fainting goat. Oops. We couldn’t get the other goats to faint.

I had some good conversations and reconnected with my nephews. Lots of hugs, a little dancing.

I was privileged to get to horseback ride again yesterday. It’s been a bit. I love it so much. It’s so beautiful and peaceful out there. The horses have sweet and fun personalities. Yesterday I rode with my friend Becca, Karen who owns the ranch, and Allison and young Lexi, safety riders.

It was perfect weather. I rode Max who has one speed and is very safe and predictable other than not liking cows. I require steps to get up there and the straps on the shortest they can go which still leaves my toes in the stirrups.

The land is amazing. We wind through open grassy areas, woods, across and in creeks. We are accompanied by Harley, Ginger and Blue, ranch dogs who run out ahead and back to check on us, swim in the creeks, and attempt to chase cows. We chat some and also ride in silence, listening to the birds.

Yesterday we had a little excitement as the cows got out and into our path. The dogs got them riled up and a mama cow got protective. karen and Lexi had to ride ahead to try to round them up, leaving us to ride back with Allison. We were well into our ride and feeling confident so all went well. My muscles get a bit sore and my bum stays a bit sore after but not bad at all.

We end with helping take the saddles off and brushing down the horses and giving them treats. Horses get sweaty! They loved being brushed and treated. I think they enjoy the ride also.

I have worn the same brand bra for years. I bought them at the running store so they were probably sports bras but had skinny straps. They had pads removable pads. Since I can no longer pass the pencil test, I need more lift and separate. So I researched and started ordering bras. Whew! There are so many out there! It used to be when you needed new bras, you went down to Penney’s in the mall and some stranger would measure you and bring you a bunch of bras to try on. Now I do most my ordering online.

I tried, Truekind, eby, nuudii, boody, and underoutfit . I liked the boody bra but it isn’t very supportive. The honeylove and my undies are ok but not great. I like the eby bras and matching panties but they are see through and one doesn’t fit as well as the other even though they are the same style and size so it makes me scared to order another. The nuudii looked so amazing online, a sling for your boobs that you can do fun things with. But it is only a strap in the back which does not do well with back fat. Back fat is a fact of life.

I did find a bra at target that I liked, sort of a flimsy sports bra. I couldn’t find it again so grabbed a larger size at the Target in Denver.

I went to a women’s retreat last weekend and my roomie had the most comfie looking bra. Where did she get it? Walmart! Are you freaking kidding me? So I made a trip and purschased a Warner bra in blue. It fits perfect and it’s so comfy! 15 bucks! Who knew?

We didn’t get to be there in person but Facetimed and plan to go Memorial weekend. It is the first 1st birthday of a grandbaby I’ve missed.

June is so sweet. She has the funkiest crawl. She loves to wave at me. She has found her voice and expresses herself often, loudly. Her smile is earned. She wants to walk soon. She loves her Mama most and her daddy.

I love her and can’t wait to see her again soon. Hopefully she‘ll be healthy this time. Her family has had almost back to back illness her entire life.

I did a thing. I got the flier for this retreat and saw the Facebook post about it and I was tempted but decided not to go due to my bruised tailbone so I couldn’t ride and a work dinner Friday night. Then a slot already paid opened up and I went.

I loved it. The outdoors, the tents, the fellowship with other women, the ranch, the animals and nature. I think most people went for the actual content of the retreat, the worship and message. Not me. That’s not where I am in the spiritual walk right now.

I enjoyed the discussions, the connections. None of us have it figured out and we are all in very different places, personally, spiritually, making peace with ourselves, with our past, with God. And that’s ok. We all did our best to love and accept each other, to encourage and love each other. To connect. That blessed me.

And I loved the glamping, sleeping in tents, sitting by the camp fires in the evening and in the shade during the day. Even the barn was openish. I pet the horses and the dogs and listened to the birds, looked at the trees.

I’m glad I went.

We went to Newton yesterday after not seeing the grands for about 5 weeks—too long! When we pulled in the driveway I saw the back of Eleanor announcing our arrival to her mom, so excited. Henry ran and threw his little arms around me.

The kids loved their st Patrick’s day gifts, TY lambs named Mary for the boys and an Elsa for Eleanor. She loved it! She said Thank you, dammaw repeatedly, hugged Elsa and said, I love her. The boys discovered their lamb has the same birthday as Henry.

I played with Eleanor most of the day because Scott came along. We did slide down the nugget slide on the stairs and played a whole family game of monopoly discover. We piled in the cars to go bowling and ended up at Brahms having ice cream as there were no lanes available. Leah and I went shopping downtown just the two of us.

Eleanor and I played with the dollhouse, she had the rabbits talk to each other, put the baby in the mamas arms in the rocking chair, and set up a picnic for them in the front of the house. We changed her dress several times and danced to Let it Go. We also went for a little walk, just the two of us. She fell at one point and cried hard and let me hold her. I actually got a lot of little snuggles and hugs from both Eleanor and Henry. Eleanor said I love you to me repeatedly.

Henry cried when we were getting ready to leave and said he was sad grandma was leaving. I was feeling sad too. it’s so crazy to love people so so much.

Here is the only picture I took: Henry pretending to drive taken through the windshield.