Author: dianegclark

As i woke this morning and sat down to have coffee with Jesus, i felt calm. Yesterday as this thing, this virus, the realities of it sinking in, hit home, i numbed out on Facebook. I isolated and then ripped into friends for expressing their frustrations on Facebook. I went to bed frustrated and upset.

I woke today with a renewed perspective.

Down deep i feel calm. I joke about the fact that i have anxiety and that has prepared me for this, but the truth is, so much more has prepared me for this. The last time i felt completely helpless was when i was diagnosed with cancer. I felt a deep peace through it all that i couldn’t really explain. The last year and a half since then as i experienced many more losses that were so very hard, i didn’t feel as hopeful or strong or peaceful, but now, on the other side of it, i know without a doubt that God has been with me. He is good and though i go through difficult things, He has never left my side. He’s pulled me back from the cliff of my own weaknesses again and again. He is my hope and my peace.

These are not just words to me, reassurances, crutches. It has been and continues to be my reality. A deep, unexplainable, lasting stability and peace in the storm. I think of the Bible story of the disciples in the tiny boat with the storm raging around them. Jesus doesn’t always calm the storm. But He reminds us He is here. The storm is gonna calm eventually and the sun is gonna come up after. We don’t know when and we don’t know how hard the storm is gonna be, but He is with us. If i keep my eyes on Him and not the waves, I’ll be ok.

You can too. If you need this peace and aren’t feeling it, reach out to me and I’ll do my best to share with you how to find it, how to find Him.

Seems like a great time to share this post. My husband has the best talent in finding movies and series to watch.

We watch a fair amount of TV and Netflix, some movies. There is no rhyme or reason as to what we choose to watch or what we like or don’t like. We are open to suggestions. Here is what we have watched lately., in no particular order.

Favorite movies lately: Peanut Butter Falcon. If you have not rented this movie yet, do it now.

Last night we watched Troop Zero. Another feel great movie like Peanut Butter Falcon.

Series: Broad church. Read the book but like the series except they have added a lot. It is a crime in a small town. Scott lost interest as it seemed to move slowly in parts.

Series: Jane the Virgin. I enjoyed the heck out of this satirical funny show. Light, silly, but still warm and believable enough. Scott didn’t like it much but got caught up in it some.

Tv shows: Chicago Med, Fire and PD I love my Chicago shows, don’t care that they are predictable and unrealistic.

Series: Longmire. I loved this. Now reading the series. Hubby said tongue in cheek: Who would want to live there, there is a murder every week, but he liked it.

Series: New Amsterdam Started watching and am in season 2 somewhere. Like don’t love it.

Series: Orange is the New Black. Read the book then watched seasons 1-3. Season two was too porn and then too violent. Season 3 lost me.

Series: Stranger Things. Loved Season one but didn’t get too far into season 2.

TV: The Resident. Like it. Watching it to date so I can catch Joel’s girlfriend who guests on an episode.

Series: Glow. Joel recommended and I watched season one then never picked it back up.

Series: Queer Eye. All time favorite. Have watched every episode of every season. Its light and warm and you even learn. Scott likes this one too.

Series: Ozark. Watched season one, moved a little slow. Scott liked it too.

TV: The Good Place. Enjoyed Season one but didn’t go far into season 2. Scott watched all of it.

Series: Living with Yourself. Watched some of season one then didn’t pick it back up. I think Scott watched it.

Series: Schittz Creek. I enjoyed a lot even though it is ridiculously ridiculous. Liked the relationships. Scott watched some of it and seemed to like it ok.

Series: Unbelievable. Fantastic. Fantastic. Scott liked it too.

Series: Russian Doll. Watched and enjoyed season one.

Series: Bloodline. Watched most of season one but it moved so very slowly it lost me.

Series: Outlander. I liked it but it moves very slowly. Read the book, very similar, long.

Series: Modern Love. We liked this.

Series: Dead To Me. It was pretty good. Ok..

Scott and I are on a much needed second honeymoon. We are here in Hawaii to get away alone, talk through some difficult things, get on track, rekindle, reconnect. We are in a season of questioning, regrouping, deciding what’s important, what we each want and need, and how to move forward stronger. It’s terrifying and necessary.

In the morning, went for a hike up the road and checked out some nearby beaches. Then we got ready and headed out for our beach adventure which included a rough off road experience over the lava fields.

Drove across the island to our air bnb stay. It is super impressive, paradise. It is an octagon shaped cedar building that used to be an art studio. The hosts have thought of everything from decorations, tons of lamps, a foot washing station, lotions, essential oils, incense and candles. There are extra swim towels and snorkeling gear, yoga mats, even a massage table. It is cozy, open air, screened in and the bathroom is outside but private. There is a lanai surrounding the outside with comfy chairs and candles and party lights. There are little geckos out there to keep the mosquitos away. The hostess said we may encounter wild pigs but we haven’t.

We got up and had breakfast at the airbnb then packed up for the beach. When we were getting out of the car for our hike to the beach, we met up with Kat, a Chinese American student from Berkeley who was traveling alone taking advantage of suspended classes. She is an adventurous soul but also happy to have found us to be with for safety. She walked along on her slippery shoes jibber jabbering about her DJ experiences and plans to be a lawyer. She didn’t have her swimsuit so borrowed the bra I brought and went in the water in that and her undies. We were happy to watch the sea turtles from afar but she climbed the precarious rocks in her slippery shoes to touch the turtles. She said they didn’t even wake up. Then she found a vine to swing on.

The hike through the rain forest was exhausting and sweaty but worth it. There were rocks and mud holes to navigate so it was hard to look around at the plush green and the tall trees. The birds and frogs were loud.

We are about a ten minute drive into the town of Hilo. It is not quaint or beautiful but it is cool. It is near the ocean and amidst the lush greenery of the rain forest and water falls and inlets. There were homeless people on the sidewalks. The houses are small and run down and the yards are cluttered.

After hiking and swimming, we drove in the rain to the Akaka falls. We stopped at Shark’s coffee shop for coffee and ice cream (owned by the airbnb hosts who grow coffee, vanilla and chocolate right here on their farm.) We walked on the cement walkway and stairs amidst the plush greenery, loud birds and frogs, and tall trees. There were gulches and drops on both sides in places. There were only two other people there. The falls were amazing, like nothing I’ve seen before.

It is very weird to be here with all the virus stuff going on. We feel removed from it and very blessed to be able to fly here. We are using wipes and washing our hands and not touching our faces but the grocery stores seem perfectly stocked. We are keeping up with the news but it seems far away.

We returned to our paradise and took naps and glorious showers then went back into town to the Hilo Bay Cafe. This was a nicer restaurant but we couldn’t see the bay outside. We ate yummy ahi and a chocolate lava cake and coffee ice cream for dessert.

The next morning we got up earlier than usual. Keep in mind we are five hours ahead of Kansas. We got ready and headed to the other side of the island, this time through the mountains. We grabbed some subway then went whale watching. And watching. We watched the impressive swells of the ocean for three hours. No whales appeared. The crew saw them earlier today and for the last three days. We were in the 10 percent that the whales don’t appear for. Oh well. (We met a couple on the plane home who went for a speed boat ride and saw dozens of whales).

We then grabbed some coffee, myself a vanilla frappe and Scott a chai tea, and drove through a beautiful neighborhood and golf resort to a black sand beach. There we met an orthodontist from Arizona and his family and talked to him quite a while.

After, we took the top off the Jeep and drove back to our side of the island and had a burger at the Hilo Burger Joint.

The last morning we spent relaxing at the airbnb. During my quiet time out in the lanaii, Scott brought me a sweet note asking me to remarry him. I tearfully and happily said yes.

I went to the house and met up with our host Sharkey who was so happy to show me the last steps in the vanilla process and the chocolate process. He gave me juice from the cacao pods to drink (yum) and a spoon to dip into the chocolate which i did repeatedly. I bought coffee and Sharkey threw in chocolate and vanilla and two coffee mugs.

Hostess Ana then took me on a mini tour of the orchard showing me the coffee trees, cacao trees and vanilla vines. Did you know that vanilla is hand pollinated all over the world except in one place in Mexico where the bees do it? Ana showed me the process for each, vanilla, chocolate and coffee from plant to drying to food. The coffee gets roasted, the cacao made into nibs then put into stirrers for days, and the vanilla put into jars for weeks then soaked in bourbon.

This trip has been amazing, restoring and healing for each of us and for our marriage even during a world health crisis. Even though we’ve kept up with the news, we probably have no idea what we will face in the mainland at home. We will need to social distance for several weeks after being in such large crowds in small areas. But we go back rested and stronger, together.

We just got back from Hawaii. We have kept up on the news and on facebook. Scott got updates and info from his school district. We know schools are closed and those with chronic health conditions and the elderly need to stay home. We figure based on the fact that we just spent the last 24 hours in small confined areas with hundreds of people from all over, that we will need to stay away from Mom and Leah and the boys and social distance for a couple of weeks to be responsible and keep others healthy.

But goodness. The media and facebook made it seem like there were going to be zero groceries and toilet paper. I didn’t waste time getting to the store. The shelves were a little less stocked than normal and there were more people than normal, but there is plenty of food and toilet paper.

I guess I contributed by buying enough groceries to last a month.

We’ve been through crises like this before. War, 9-11, Y2K, SARS, Tsumani’s, natural disasters. People panic, spread hysteria and rumors.

We’re going to be ok.

What happens is, after the initial wave of panic and everyone looking out for themselves, the good will come out. I’ve already seen people saying hey, if your kids not being in school creates a hardship for you, let us help. We will all take care of each other.

God says He will turn all things for good for those who love Him. I’ve seen this time and time again.

Let’s pull ourselves together, people, then help each other out and ride this one out too.

I would like to add after educating myself that though we are going to be ok, it is imperative that we all do our part in keeping everyone else safe, stay away from crowds, don’t go within 6 feet of people, wash hands, etc. Scott and I are social distancing severely for 5 days because of our trip and responsibly thereafter. We all need to lower the curve of severity of this disease.

Long long long before I became a writer, I have been a reader. I have probably read a novel a week my entire adult life. I used to keep track of them on my own including ratings until I found Goodreads and rated them there. I have gotten recommendations of what to read front he library, Oprah’s list, friends, Goodreads, and Pinterest.

I just scrolled through my Goodreads list and here are the highlights: For more info, check out my Goodreads list.

What’s makes me like a book? I like books if they move along quickly and if I like the characters. I like hardship stories, crime mysteries, books about small towns. I almost always finish a book unless I truly hate it.

Where the Heart Is, Billie Letts, an all time favorite

Gillian Flynn, Author, don’t care for the characters but the stories hook me.

Nicholas Evans is ok but I generally don’t read romance. Rated these well.

I liked the Jennifer Chiaverini quilt books.

Ted Dekker is ok.

My all time favorite author and series is the Death In series by JD Robb. Crime mysteries set in the 2060’s and I love the characters.

Used to like Maeve Binchy.

Jan Karon Mitford series. Loved these.

Generally like John Grisham.

Teri Blackstock is ok.

Venita Hampton Wright. Like her.

Like Jane Smiley.

Barbara Kingsolver. Like her.

Like Jane Hamilton.

A Tree Grows In Brooklyn is an all time long time favorite.

Liked the young adult series by Ann Brashires.

Like Sandra Dallas a lot.

An all time favorite is Wally Lamb, She’s Come Undone and I Know This Much Is True

Like Elizabeth Berg

Nancy Picard

Read and enjoyed Larry McMurtry

YA Sharon Creech Walk Two Moons

K L Goins, Fat Kid Rules the World, a great great book.

Adriana Trigiani

Watership Down, a favorite classic.

Liked Harry Potter series.

The Fred series by Brad Wittingham

Jodi Piccoult is generally pretty good.

Like Billie Letts

Nancy Rue had a fun series

John Green YA books.

Fannie Flagg

Chris Crutcher.

House of Sand and Fog, classic, liked it

Alice Siebold

Brad Whittington, Fred series

The Time Traveler’s Wife, great

The Shack

The Hunger Games

Frank McCourt, Angela’s Ashes

The Art of Racing in the Rain, really good

Khalid Hosseini

Classic: To Kill A Mockingbird

Stephanie Meyer

Water for Elephants. Really liked this one.

Anne of Green Gables series

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night

Carolyn Wall

YAF Matthew Quick

The Rock Chick Series

The Rent Collector, read this!

Jeannette Walls

So enjoy this list. I gave you enough to read forever.

What are your favorites?

I’ve been criticized for my openness on my blogs. I’ve debated hard with myself about writing this post. Future and past clients can find the post. I have used much more self disclosure with clients in the past than I will now. But if they read this, I’m ok with it. I believe that my genuineness and vulnerability are what helps build trust. It does with the Homestead girls. I am in more of a mentor, less of a therapist role with them so I can share. Share that I’ve been there, the struggle is real. And when I give them strategies to break free, we are learning together. So no, I won’t tell clients that I’ve had mental health issues. I get that we can’t share in session about our personal struggles. Sessions are about them and for them. But I will be able to attune with clients on a whole other level.

How can we preach about breaking the stigma of mental health if we hide behind masks? Therapists are human. I have a lot of therapist friends. Let me tell you, they have struggles, even with mental health. And because of the masks and the role we put therapists in, they often have no one to go to. Pretending is exhausting. That’s why I hope to reach these folks in my practice—therapists, teachers, first responders, Pastors, helpers, those who have to be strong for others.

I get it.

I had a hysterectomy in my 40’s. Though I kept my ovaries, I always thereafter had a feeling of being “keyed up.” It wasn’t until my late 40’s when I began taking replacement hormones that I understood what it was like to not feel that way. Then they changed my hormones to another kind that didn’t work as well.

The first time I remember clearly feeling anxiety was just before a very intense work out class. I was in the bathroom and I felt sort of dizzy, weak, jittery. I thought my blood sugar was dropping like will happen sometimes during a hard work out if you haven’t eaten enough. When it happened just before the next class, I figured out it was anxiety.

My first panic attack happened while my son was applying for college. I was driving down the street ruminating about the stressful situation when I got short of breath. My heart rate soared. Thank goodness I knew what it was and what to do to calm down, breathing, thought replacement, self talk….

Fast forward to two years ago when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was during a very stressful year of school social work. I handled the diagnosis but they advised me to stop taking my hormones immediately. This threw me into menopause and high anxiety. I had panic attacks about things I had easily handled before, like singing on the stage or doing anything new to me. I began having symptoms of IBS. I beefed up the self care, prayer time and began meditating daily.

I went through the cancer treatments and made the decision to retire from school social work. After treatment, the oncologist put me on tamoxifen which is a low grade chemotherapy designed to block the remaining estrogen in your body. Apparently I needed the remaining estrogen. I began experiencing intense anxiety with no rhyme or reason. I remember one day after work sitting in the livingroom eating chips, watching Ellen, waiting to go to the gym for my favorite class when waves of anxiety began pouring over me, over and over. I knew how to relax into them similar to how you do with ocean waves.

I went to my primary care doctor and he put me on an anti anxiety medication. It was horrible. I felt completely flat, not myself at all. People at work who hadn’t noticed the anxiety noticed how flat I was and asked if I was ok. I got the ok from my oncologist to stop taking the tamoxifen. The anxiety lessened but remained.

I remember another bad panic attack. Scott and I were in a car wreck with him driving in the rain several years ago. Since then, I get super tense riding with anyone in the rain. I can drive but it is hard. So this time, we were driving down the mountain in Colorado after a stressful family event. I was driving and Scott, Hannah and her friend were in the car. I was driving slowly and there was a long line of cars behind me, the one in the lead riding my bumper. I was gripping the steering wheel feeling the panic rise in me. Scott offered to drive so I pulled over and let him but this increased my anxiety rather than helping it. I completely blanked out on any strategies to help, including prayer. I grabbed my daughter’s hand, closed my eyes and somehow managed to get down the mountain. I remember this every time clients tell me they didn’t use the strategies we have discussed.

I continued to manage the anxiety and the IBS with self care, meditation, prayer, exercise, breathing, gratitude and everything I knew to do. Then we experienced a number of losses, one right after the other. Really hard situations like none I’d ever gone through. I experienced some intense relationship issues. This increased my anxiety and threw me into the deepest depression I had ever experienced. Years ago I went through a short depression and after two sessions of pastoral counseling and 4 months of medication, I popped out of it.

This depression became debilitating. I was struggling with guilt and shame. I know there was also a spiritual aspect to it. I continued my self care and started individual therapy. I went to the primary doctor and started on an anti depression medication that was supposed to help with the anxiety. I was not able to sleep at all, my mind spinning, nothing working. I lost the ability to meditate. The doctor changed me to another depression medication and a sleep medication (an antihistamine) that also helps with anxiety.

The depression kept me from being able to leave the house but also unable to be alone. I cried all of the time. I felt so much shame for being a therapist and not being able to help myself. I went to therapy twice a week. She helped me uncover events from my childhood, unresolved issues, and diagnosed me with PTSD. I had flashbacks and felt depersonalized, like everything was surreal. My confidence went completely out the window. I was a total wreck.

Through therapy, spiritual warfare prayer, medication, the support of my amazing husband, the support of so many friends, and all the self care I could possibly do, over the next few months I pulled out of the depression. Recently through the words of a friend and God, I was able to release the shame. I still have some anxious moments and some “down” days but overall I feel so so much better.

Therapy is a difficult process, I think harder when one IS a therapist. I worked my ass off between sessions. When she gave me insights I was upset that I hadn’t thought of that myself. Now Scott and I are in couples therapy. We are both still working on our childhood issues and how those issues affect each other. I am learning a lot. It is very real being on this side of it. But it is incredibly helpful. I believe we will experience a whole new level of freedom, peace and intimacy through this process.

As the date to open my own practice gets closer, I wrestle with again taking on that role that seeks to balance giving the clients the confidence that you are strong enough to help hold their emotions and the hope that they can feel better, while also letting them know you get it. I will be able to attune to clients more deeply now. Am I strong enough, healed enough, ready? I think so. And now when I tell someone I get it, they will see it in my eyes without me having to self disclose, yes, I truly get it.

I am feeling better. Peaceful. Free. Not all the way well but getting there. My story has become my testimony.

Got to see my buddy Heather today and her precious daughter Taylor. I babysat Taylor once a week for about six weeks. She is now five and a half months old. She wasn’t so sure about me. I only got one smile out of her but I did get some sweet snuggles.

It was such a nice day today, Heather and I loaded miss Taylor up in the stroller and walked to aggieville for lunch at Taco Lucia. Me, the adventurous eater that I am, had chips and white queso. Heather ate three different fancy tacos. Taylor actually napped in her stroller.

A lovely walk home and no upset peeps out of our girl. Taylor is beautiful like her mama. Heather is very special to me. I enjoyed our lunch date tremendously.

Our son Joel lives in Hollywood and dates Molly whom we love. Molly is an actor. She’s been in many movies including Widows. with Viola Davis, Colin Farrell, and Robert Duvall. She was amazing!

Molly is currently filming a movie in Canada. I love hearing about it.

Recently, Molly had a guest appearance on one of the shows I watch, The Resident. She played an anxious high school student with mysterious symptoms. It was so much fun to watch her.

I can’t wait to see more of Molly’s work!

I drove to Newton today to see the g babies. I love them so much. The feel of Henry’s little body when he climbs up in my lap. The sound of Emmet’s sweet voice and the stories he tells. He climbed a tree today in the back yard with a little help from grandma. Henry and i played what was basically fetch with a rubber ball for over an hour. Was able to give Leah a little break and a nap. And helped around the house a little. She is starting to show now at about 16 weeks.

Bonus, face timed with Hannah and talked to Joel! And checked in on Kent after his scary fall.