Untamed

I recently read a book recommended by Brene Brown after listening to a podcast. The book is called Untamed by Glennon Doyle. Glennon was able to put into words her own faith and much of what I feel about my own.

Glennon tells the story of her own journey toward living a life of authenticity. She tells of growing up learning to fulfill roles and expectations put on her by her family, her culture and her church. Glennon lived the life of the perfect wife, mother, and author, traveling around speaking and inspiring others. She always felt something was missing, that she wasn’t living freely as truly herself. She spent 10 minutes every night in deep breathing meditation, going into what she refers to as her “deep knowing” until she felt a “knowing like warm liquid gold filling my veins and solidifying just enough to make me feel steady, certain.” This, she knew, was God deep inside of her.

Glennon described so much of what I believe. She went to church and challenged a sermon the preacher was preaching. He told her, “God’s ways are not our ways, faith is about trusting, lean not on your own understanding.” Glennon writes, “He wanted me to believe that trusting him was trusting God. My heart and mind were connections to God. If I shut those down, I’d be trusting the men who ran this church, not trusting in God. I’d be replying on their understanding….Everybody owes it to herself, to her people, to the world, to examine what she’s been taught to believe, expeciallly if she’s going to choose to beliefs that condemn others….That is how white evangelicals became the most powerful and influential voting bloc in the United STates…That’s how evangelical leaders get a way with the stunning hypocrisy of keeping their money, racism, misogyny classism, nationalism, weaker on and corruption while purporting to lead in the name of a man who dedicated his life to ending war, serving orphans women and children, and giving power and money away to the poor….They just keep pushing the memo: Don’t think, don’t feel, don’t know. Just be against abortion and gays and keep on voting. That’s how to live like Jesus.”

I have difficulty trusting my own believing, the God voice inside me and think we have to be careful. I myself have made decisions out of pain or core wounds. I do find comfort in being guided by the word. But the word is being so twisted and has misrepresented Jesus so badly that I don’t really want to go to church, associate with religious people or even call myself a Christian since people will believe that I, too, had drank the poison.

Glennon goes to give the best explanation that resonated with me. “I don’t know if I call myself a Christian anymore. That label suggests certainty, and I have none. It suggests the desire to convert others, and that’s the last thing I want to do. It suggests exclusive belonging…Part of me wants to peel that label off, set it down, and try to meet each person soul to soul, without any layers between us.” Glennon is still compelled by Jesus himself and hos story, “a revolutionary idea powerful enough to heal and free humanity now.”

I do feel like I have certainty. In my soul. Certainty that God Himself never changes, His goodness can be trusted. My salvation is secure (not because I did the right things or believed the right things).

Glennon writes, “Returning to ourselves is confusing at first. It’s not as simple as listening for the voices inside of us. Because sometimes the voices inside of us, which we’ve assumed speak Truth, are just the voices of human beings who told us what to believe. Often the internal voice telling us who God is and What God approves of is not God; It’s our indoctrination. … There is no outsourcing your faith. There is just you and God. ….Having the courage to dismiss what insults your souls is a matter of life or death. If those who claim to speak for Truth can convince you to believe instead of Know, to live from their rules instead of…the still, small voice inside you….”

My brother was on a journey to reexamine his beliefs, his indoctrination. He took a lot of answers with him to his grave, answers I’d like to be able to access. Yesterday as I was praying, I thought, “I wish I could ask Dave…” but God reminded me, I can ask Him.

I feel like along with my journey to refind myself over the last two years, I have experienced a “crisis of faith”. I no longer believe in heaven and hell, or that a person has to say or do or pronounce or believe a certain thing before they die or they will burn in hell. The God I know wants everyone to come to Him, to live eternally with Him. In fact, He says so. He also says that “Every knee will bow.” I myself have been so confused about the Word and about God. So many people I know are confused or deceived to uncertain. Would the God I know personally throw them in hell because they were unsure or confused or deceived? He’s never treated me that way. I believe that when people die, God reveals Himself to them. His true, loving, pure, loving self. Who would possibly reject Him at that point?

I no longer believe that people have to be converted or believe as I do. God says and I believe that if we search for Him, we will find Him. If we get close to Him, we will become more like Him, that is, loving and accepting and giving and peaceful……. Not hating gays and excluding people and shaming people. If I share my beliefs about God with others, it isn’t to convert them, it is to share the beauty that I have found. That I am still finding. I no longer believe that I have all this figured out. I have much to learn and am open to what others can teach me along the way.

I do very much miss corporate prayer and corporate worship. I miss the community of belonging and being seen and known and loved. I wish there was a church uninfiltrated by the religious. A church that lets go of the pressure of conversion and salvation. A church that seeks not to indoctrinate but to accept and love and worship,