Grief

Grief sucks.

I was going to write more but that pretty much sums it up.

I have grieved many times in my life. I was sad when pets died when i was little. My maternal Grandma died when I was in elementary school. I loved her but mostly I remember my Mom’s tears.

We lost our family pet soon after my parent’s got divorce. My brother kicked the fridge. The divorce was a terrible time. It was complicated grief because I was also so very very relieved.

I lost my paternal Grandmother a few weeks before I got married. She had moved to California years before that so with the wedding busyness and not having seen her in years, I remember being sad but not so much grieving. I carried her hankerchief in the wedding then lost it. I had her ring for years and it was very special to me. I lost it, too. I don’t feel sad when I remember my Grandma “Nonnie” or my Grandad. I carry their love in my heart. (Sounds trite but I can feel it).

We lost my step sister to cancer a year after my Mom and Lee got married. That was sad, but mostly I was sad for Lee. I had only known her for a year. She was special to me but I don’t remember intense grief.

Three miscarriages occurred, one before I was married and two after. I remember incredible sadness for what would have been, rather than for what was. And I grieved with Scott.

We were sad when Lee died. And when Julie’s husband Larry died. Sad for Mom, sad for Julie. I did love Lee and I did grieve. The celebration of life was hard. I still miss him.

We lost family pets. Allie dog. Rex died in March. He had been sick so long and so close to death so many times before, I was prepared. I handled it much better than I thought, being sure I would fall apart. I do miss him. I look for him. I feel super sad when I look at videos.

Losing Julie was hard. Unfair. Too soon.

Other losses have also been super hard in my life. Jobs, friendships, close friends who have died.

And now my brother. I still don’t feel like it has hit me. My brain can’t quite grasp it. I talked to him every couple of weeks and saw him only every few months. But if I needed him, I could call.

The hardest part was telling my Dad. And my Mom. Not knowing how to grieve. My Mom and I talk about how we feel daily. And my sister in law. We all feel so heavy. Overwhelmed. It is different than how I thought it would be. More physical. It feels like a heavy blanket.

It is incredibly lonely. No one really knows what to say. Or whether to mention it. Some check on me. I don’t know what to say to them.

I just want to sleep. To shut out the world. I need to go be with family. Covid has completely complicated the grieving process. I could just sit with people who are also grieving. I don’t need cheering up. I just need someone to sit with me. To help hold this up. I need to cry but I can’t. I have, some, but I can’t. Even this sounds so depressing to me.