Protesting

I i I attended the peaceful protest today against racism and injustice after the killing of George Floyd by excessive police force. I was invited to the facebook event last night. This morning, I got up late and when I heard my daughter stirring around upstairs getting ready to go, I knew I couldn’t sit in my middle class white privilege on my beautiful deck and just keep scrolling. I knew I needed to go stand with others. If I couldn’t give two hours of my life to stand up for injustice, who am I?

It breaks my heart to hear about racism and discrimination. Not just by police but by landlords, business owners, teachers, administrators, politicians, all those who use their power unfairly. It exists daily for our black brothers and sisters. As I have read again and again, the fear they have to feel just for the color of their skin, it breaks my heart.

I couldn’t stay silent and scroll by anymore. Liking, even sharing, even commenting on a post is not enough. Sometimes I get caught up in feeling helpless, not knowing what to do. I need to get educated. Today, I needed to go and stand. And march. And chant.

This was not a protest against police. I know enough from my training that the police are forced to make very quick decisions moment to moment day in and day out that most of us couldn’t even fathom. They also live in fear for their lives every moment of every day. They put their lives on the line for each of us every day. After awhile, because of what they see and experience, their brains start to narrow. They start seeing things as all or nothing, people as good or bad. They start seeing danger in every interaction. They develop hyper vigilance and adrenaline that causes them to react in ways that cause mistakes. They stop seeing people as people in order to survive emotionally. They shut down. They suffer. They are looked down on if they reach out for help. I read a beautiful post written by a retired officer that I wanted to repost because it explained perfectly what officers go through. But the article said that this incidence wasn’t racism.

Let me be clear. What happened to George Floyd was not due to PTSD. It was racism. This man made a decision and went against his training to do the unthinkable. All it would have taken was for one of the other officers to say, I got him, let up. This is the injustice we marched for. Against the officers who stood by. Against the witnesses who taped it and stood by. Against the legal system that hesitated to act immediately to bring justice.

The system is broken. Departments need funding for training, funding for treatment for PTSD, for the stigma of getting help to stop, for officers to step up to and for each other. For all of us to step us and say, you can’t do this any more. For the training and help and support they need to happen.

I went through training as an educator. To examine my own opinions and behaviors. I was observed and given feedback specifically in treatment of race. That’s the kind of training needed. Statistics taken and evaluated and changes made. And bad people fired.

Racism does not just exist in the police. We see it in life and death situations because the police have the ability to use violence in order to keep us safe. But racism exists everywhere. It exists in our hearts. We have to start by reaching into our own hearts. We all hold prejudices. We have to start with examining our own fears, our own beliefs, our own attitudes. We have to speak up when we hear racism and injustice. We have to act.

My heart breaks when I hear stories of black people living in fear, fear for themselves, fear for their children. My heart broke today when i turned around and my black friend said she was surprised to see me there. My heart broke when the leader of the protest talked about being stopped in the middle of the night after attending a funeral and was made to lie down just because of the color of his skin, here in my community. My heart broke to see the the young black kid carrying a sign today that said, “Stop killing us.”

But I was proud. Proud of everyone who showed up today on short notice. Proud of my officer friends standing by this morning, to protect the protestors from the traffic. I saw you clapping along with the chants. I saw you giving a the bullhorn to the leaders to use. I heard you, Director, your statement saying you will not stand for this kind of behavior here.

Today was a start. A start of a long conversation. I want those who are treated unfairly to feel safe to speak up. I will help them be heard. I want to educate myself. I want to make a difference. My brothers and sisters, black and white, my police friends, I stand with you all. No more injustice. No more blame. No more silence. Black lives matter.