I’ve been criticized for my openness on my blogs. I’ve debated hard with myself about writing this post. Future and past clients can find the post. I have used much more self disclosure with clients in the past than I will now. But if they read this, I’m ok with it. I believe that my genuineness and vulnerability are what helps build trust. It does with the Homestead girls. I am in more of a mentor, less of a therapist role with them so I can share. Share that I’ve been there, the struggle is real. And when I give them strategies to break free, we are learning together. So no, I won’t tell clients that I’ve had mental health issues. I get that we can’t share in session about our personal struggles. Sessions are about them and for them. But I will be able to attune with clients on a whole other level.
How can we preach about breaking the stigma of mental health if we hide behind masks? Therapists are human. I have a lot of therapist friends. Let me tell you, they have struggles, even with mental health. And because of the masks and the role we put therapists in, they often have no one to go to. Pretending is exhausting. That’s why I hope to reach these folks in my practice—therapists, teachers, first responders, Pastors, helpers, those who have to be strong for others.
I get it.
I had a hysterectomy in my 40’s. Though I kept my ovaries, I always thereafter had a feeling of being “keyed up.” It wasn’t until my late 40’s when I began taking replacement hormones that I understood what it was like to not feel that way. Then they changed my hormones to another kind that didn’t work as well.
The first time I remember clearly feeling anxiety was just before a very intense work out class. I was in the bathroom and I felt sort of dizzy, weak, jittery. I thought my blood sugar was dropping like will happen sometimes during a hard work out if you haven’t eaten enough. When it happened just before the next class, I figured out it was anxiety.
My first panic attack happened while my son was applying for college. I was driving down the street ruminating about the stressful situation when I got short of breath. My heart rate soared. Thank goodness I knew what it was and what to do to calm down, breathing, thought replacement, self talk….
Fast forward to two years ago when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was during a very stressful year of school social work. I handled the diagnosis but they advised me to stop taking my hormones immediately. This threw me into menopause and high anxiety. I had panic attacks about things I had easily handled before, like singing on the stage or doing anything new to me. I began having symptoms of IBS. I beefed up the self care, prayer time and began meditating daily.
I went through the cancer treatments and made the decision to retire from school social work. After treatment, the oncologist put me on tamoxifen which is a low grade chemotherapy designed to block the remaining estrogen in your body. Apparently I needed the remaining estrogen. I began experiencing intense anxiety with no rhyme or reason. I remember one day after work sitting in the livingroom eating chips, watching Ellen, waiting to go to the gym for my favorite class when waves of anxiety began pouring over me, over and over. I knew how to relax into them similar to how you do with ocean waves.
I went to my primary care doctor and he put me on an anti anxiety medication. It was horrible. I felt completely flat, not myself at all. People at work who hadn’t noticed the anxiety noticed how flat I was and asked if I was ok. I got the ok from my oncologist to stop taking the tamoxifen. The anxiety lessened but remained.
I remember another bad panic attack. Scott and I were in a car wreck with him driving in the rain several years ago. Since then, I get super tense riding with anyone in the rain. I can drive but it is hard. So this time, we were driving down the mountain in Colorado after a stressful family event. I was driving and Scott, Hannah and her friend were in the car. I was driving slowly and there was a long line of cars behind me, the one in the lead riding my bumper. I was gripping the steering wheel feeling the panic rise in me. Scott offered to drive so I pulled over and let him but this increased my anxiety rather than helping it. I completely blanked out on any strategies to help, including prayer. I grabbed my daughter’s hand, closed my eyes and somehow managed to get down the mountain. I remember this every time clients tell me they didn’t use the strategies we have discussed.
I continued to manage the anxiety and the IBS with self care, meditation, prayer, exercise, breathing, gratitude and everything I knew to do. Then we experienced a number of losses, one right after the other. Really hard situations like none I’d ever gone through. I experienced some intense relationship issues. This increased my anxiety and threw me into the deepest depression I had ever experienced. Years ago I went through a short depression and after two sessions of pastoral counseling and 4 months of medication, I popped out of it.
This depression became debilitating. I was struggling with guilt and shame. I know there was also a spiritual aspect to it. I continued my self care and started individual therapy. I went to the primary doctor and started on an anti depression medication that was supposed to help with the anxiety. I was not able to sleep at all, my mind spinning, nothing working. I lost the ability to meditate. The doctor changed me to another depression medication and a sleep medication (an antihistamine) that also helps with anxiety.
The depression kept me from being able to leave the house but also unable to be alone. I cried all of the time. I felt so much shame for being a therapist and not being able to help myself. I went to therapy twice a week. She helped me uncover events from my childhood, unresolved issues, and diagnosed me with PTSD. I had flashbacks and felt depersonalized, like everything was surreal. My confidence went completely out the window. I was a total wreck.
Through therapy, spiritual warfare prayer, medication, the support of my amazing husband, the support of so many friends, and all the self care I could possibly do, over the next few months I pulled out of the depression. Recently through the words of a friend and God, I was able to release the shame. I still have some anxious moments and some “down” days but overall I feel so so much better.
Therapy is a difficult process, I think harder when one IS a therapist. I worked my ass off between sessions. When she gave me insights I was upset that I hadn’t thought of that myself. Now Scott and I are in couples therapy. We are both still working on our childhood issues and how those issues affect each other. I am learning a lot. It is very real being on this side of it. But it is incredibly helpful. I believe we will experience a whole new level of freedom, peace and intimacy through this process.
As the date to open my own practice gets closer, I wrestle with again taking on that role that seeks to balance giving the clients the confidence that you are strong enough to help hold their emotions and the hope that they can feel better, while also letting them know you get it. I will be able to attune to clients more deeply now. Am I strong enough, healed enough, ready? I think so. And now when I tell someone I get it, they will see it in my eyes without me having to self disclose, yes, I truly get it.
I am feeling better. Peaceful. Free. Not all the way well but getting there. My story has become my testimony.
dianegclark 