First, I have completed my six month check ups, been poked and prodded and scanned, and I am cancer free! I even got the official OK that I am not taking the tamoxifen drug, as it was only to help me prevent reoccurrence. I had such a negative reaction to it that the decision not to sacrifice my mental health for the slim possibility I will have this same type of cancer again is not worth it. The oncologist agreed that if I had had an aggressive or life threatening form of cancer, we would need to explore further options but he supported my decision. I never doubted that I was cancer free but it does feel good to know for sure. That chapter of my life is officially CLOSED praise Jesus! It still seems surreal to me that it even happened. Except when I lift weights and my right pectoral muscle balks which apparently is permanent. So what! Overall I am filled with gratitude. God is good.
Second, today is the day that all the teachers officially reported to school and I AM NOT THERE! I felt a little sad last week when I knew they had Camp Dewy and got several “I miss you texts” from my buds. I sent a text this morning saying I was thinking of them and missing them. I got lots of responses from my sweet friends and their responses made me cry. I miss them terribly. I feel not a part of something big that I used to be such a huge part of. However, I am so incredibly happy with my decision, my new schedule, and my “new” job. It has certainly been and continues to be an adjustment but it is a positive one.
Here is what God is showing me:
Balance. I have always needed a better balance between working on the inner me and the outer me. I continue to work out at the gym but I’m cool with missing some work outs if something more important comes up. This is kind of huge for me. I have always worked on the inner me but now I actually have more time. So I am giving myself lots more grace about the outer me.
Rest. This also relates to balance but God is showing me how to manage down time. We all tend to fill our down time with busyness, doing, serving others, “being Christian” but sometimes we just need to rest. I have always been a napper but I need to learn that I don’t have to always be “doing”.
Present. The therapist in me knows the importance of being fully present. I do practice mindfulness and meditation and science supports the benefits of this. God is showing me how to be fully present in each moment and let Him guide the next. I still have a tendency to lay awake at night and make massive amounts of lists and plans in my head so He isn’t done working with me on this. But I think I have it down during wakeful hours.
Alone. Being comfortable with being alone. I can be alone. But I usually fill it with busyness. So God is showing me how to be alone and restful and just be.
God is in control. Doing therapy feels like such a huge responsibility. But I am confident that every person that comes through those doors is not there by mistake. God has brought them and He is making them well. The first few weeks, I did a lot of planning. Now I do a lot of praying. It is so satisfying and inspiring to be used by God to bring peace and hope and joy to clients. He is in control.
A sample day in my new life: I woke up without an alarm at 8:30 (Whaat? I have hit the ground running alarm set at 530, clients in my office by 715 for so many years!) I did my quiet time with God in my favorite chair on the deck facing the yard. I love my daily coffee time and conversations with God. It is awesome when I can do that just after waking up and without feeling rushed. I texted my friends to tell them I missed them then got ready and sang some worship songs taking my time, soaking in the tub. Then I went into the office and saw a client. I let God completely lead the session without having made any pre plans. Then I got gas without checking to see if it was on some sort of to do list. Then I decided to stop by Smoothie King and get a yummy smoothie for lunch. I enjoyed that watching HGTV, and doing this blog which I’ve been looking forward to doing. Then I took a little nap. I did Homestead support group (again, God is in control) and had a late client cancel, then vocal practice and dinner with PD and Scott.
Who could possibly ask for a better day?
dianegclark 